Laurajean83
I am the WS, with Dday about 7 months ago.  I know a root cause was me wanting attention I suppose, or maybe wanting that feeling of falling in love.  For as long as I can remember have craved men's attention but never in the party, put myself out their kinda way.  I had a very solid marriage, enviable even.  Yet I didn't feel adored or wanted as a women, partially cuz of my own poor self esteem and partially due to a maybe mediocre/married 10 years kinda sexual familiarity.  So when other things seemed to struggle in my life (ie. Decreasing faith meets unhappy with current situations meets boring hum-drum of the mom life) I sought out attention.  Looking for not just attention but adventure and excitement but mostly someone to notice me.  At first I contacted someone far away to be safe from doing anything stupid...  which spiraled to a full sexual affair with someone else 6 months later.  Now I struggle with what is a normal amount of desire for affection and what is not...  it's hard to fix what I am not sure is fully broken...  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Keepabuzz
Did your husband leave you, or is he at least open to reconciliation? It seems from your post you sought this affair out with a clear mind. I would first wonder how/why you were able to make such a deviation from your morals, this is assuming you believe what you did was wrong.  Most WS’s seem to say that they didn’t mean for it to happen, it was an accident, etc. (which is all bullsh1t). You seem as though this was what you desired, and then you went and did it.  If I were you I would want to figure out how/why you were able to make that justification in your head. You had to have made thousands of justifications.  Maybe in your mind you deserved it because your husband didn’t pay you enough attention? You thought you deserved it because you deserved to be happy?  These are common in my experience in the mess, and they are all terribly selfish and utterly destructive to your BS. How did you justify it to yourself? How did you make it “ok”? I would figure out the answer to that question, then move on to why are you so easily caught by a man’s attention.  It would likely be figured out most efficiently in individual therapy.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Sorry
Give it time.  Focus on living in line with the values you resonate with. Spend lots of time doing soul searching and analyze your feelings get a councillor.

I remember initially feeling that I just had too many needs to ever expect one person to fulfil them. 

Later I learned that I could fulfil my own emotional needs and after learning that I no longer need my husband to emotionally complete me, I choose to be with him because he is awesome. Not because I need him. 


If you need other people for attention you will always be at the mercy of doing something stupid again. 

The growth into what you want to be takes time. Don't settle for a place where other people still define your happiness.

On my way but not there yet 
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UrbanExplorer
Underlying my vulnerability to an affair was codependency because it incorporated emptiness, resentment, and lack of intimacy. Spend all of your time meeting other people's needs at the expense of your own and you will eventually look for something external to fill you up. It could be an affair, workaholism, addiction, etc. It was a bit of several things for me. 

If you are are still looking for something outside yourself to make you feel better, explore the reason for that in therapy. It might be the key to your growth and happiness. 
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UrbanExplorer
Laurajean83, this might apply?

https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-we-choose-infidelity-lack-self-acceptance
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Laurajean83
Thanks for that Urban.  The video was good.  I know lack of self-acceptance is a big part.  Why is a big question mark.  That does make me want to do more counselling.  I have little to now real background or childhood trauma.   Which makes it kinda feel worse...  like no reason for the way I am.  [frown] 
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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GingerHoneyBunny
Keepabuzz wrote:
Did your husband leave you, or is he at least open to reconciliation? It seems from your post you sought this affair out with a clear mind. I would first wonder how/why you were able to make such a deviation from your morals, this is assuming you believe what you did was wrong.  Most WS’s seem to say that they didn’t mean for it to happen, it was an accident, etc. (which is all bullsh1t). You seem as though this was what you desired, and then you went and did it.  If I were you I would want to figure out how/why you were able to make that justification in your head. You had to have made thousands of justifications.  Maybe in your mind you deserved it because your husband didn’t pay you enough attention? You thought you deserved it because you deserved to be happy?  These are common in my experience in the mess, and they are all terribly selfish and utterly destructive to your BS. How did you justify it to yourself? How did you make it “ok”? I would figure out the answer to that question, then move on to why are you so easily caught by a man’s attention.  It would likely be figured out most efficiently in individual therapy.  


I second this all the way man... My WW came from divorced home with an ugly ugly divorce. Her parents are still not speaking and we can't even bring our kids to visit her dad without creating a drama if her mom finds out. WW was also molested when she was a kid. She grew up with her grandma. Without her mom and dad for long periods. She says she longs for a father's protection and security. Thus, no matter how much I try, it's never enough to fill the void to seek attention from other men.

Keepabuzz, I feel you man
Male BS, D-Day 26th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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Keepabuzz
My wife was also sexually abused as a child. She told her parents, they did nothing other than tell her it was her fault.  It’s beyond awful, BUT STILL not an excuse to betray and destroy me, the only person in the world who didn’t treat her like sh!t. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Laurajean83
Keepabuzz wrote:
My wife was also sexually abused as a child. She told her parents, they did nothing other than tell her it was her fault.  It’s beyond awful, BUT STILL not an excuse to betray and destroy me, the only person in the world who didn’t treat her like sh!t. 


Trauma makes us (everyone) cope in various ways.  It makes us unable to see reality as it truly is.  Your wife's trauma is not an excuse but changed the way she sees and views the world and how she responds to it.  That needs to not be taken lightly at all.   

Also the "excuse to betray and destroy me".  You are right.  But I can attest this was not her intent.  The result yes, but she was blinded by many things (not excusing the behavior but it is a reality of the situation).  On this side of everything it is easy to see everything she did as malicious towards you, yet it was more of a selfishness than an intent to hurt.  

I know the result is what we are dealing with and rightly so, but if grace and understanding isn't given to the intent then healing can't happen.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Keepabuzz
Laurajean83 wrote:


Trauma makes us (everyone) cope in various ways.  It makes us unable to see reality as it truly is.  Your wife's trauma is not an excuse but changed the way she sees and views the world and how she responds to it.  That needs to not be taken lightly at all.   

Also the "excuse to betray and destroy me".  You are right.  But I can attest this was not her intent.  The result yes, but she was blinded by many things (not excusing the behavior but it is a reality of the situation).  On this side of everything it is easy to see everything she did as malicious towards you, yet it was more of a selfishness than an intent to hurt.  

I know the result is what we are dealing with and rightly so, but if grace and understanding isn't given to the intent then healing can't happen.  


I can agree that her behavior was selfish. I would go as far as to say it was the epitome of selfishness. 

I can not agree that her “intent” was not to betray me, and destroy me. While I do believe that due to her abuse as a child, she had no idea how much it would hurt me. Honestly, I don’t think she is capable of truly understanding the damage and pain she has caused me.  

Her “intent” was certainly and most definitely to betray me. She didn’t just wake up to find she was having sex with the guy from work. This was no accident. This required preplanning. There was flirting, texting, stolen moments at work, all leading up to going to his apartment to have sex the first time, and every time after that. Every step of the way was a decision, and everytime she CHOSE to betray me.  This was literally THOUSANDS of conscious, deliberate decisions to betray me. Over and over and over again. 

I agree that childhood trauma, or really any trauma should not be taken lightly. I supported her for literally years, all the while she sunk deeper and deeper into depression. She always refused help. Now I have trauma. I have every single symptom of PTSD. Now this is my trauma to deal with. 

Lets compare a non-adultery scenario. Let’s say there was a little boy that is sexually molested as a child. He then grows up and he molests children.  He is caught, and goes to court to face the judge and jury. Does his childhood sexual abuse absolve him of his crime? Does he get a pass? Does he get a second chance? Does it get him a lighter sentence in prison? Does he get special treatment? 

No, he is throw in prison to serve his sentence and pay his debt to society. 

I read a quote early after D-day. I will never forget it. 

“Hurt People hurt people” -Unknown 
 
I won’t, I will be alone before I inflict this misery on another human. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Ginger
I really loathe when people say they didn't 'intend' to hurt you.  Did they think by living a false, double life committing the ultimate betrayals against their spouse,  they'd be happy for you somehow?
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UrbanExplorer
The WS believes the BS and children will not be affected. It is part of the psychology of an affair. 
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Laurajean83
Keepabuzz wrote:


I can not agree that her “intent” was not to betray me, and destroy me. While I do believe that due to her abuse as a child, she had no idea how much it would hurt me. Honestly, I don’t think she is capable of truly understanding the damage and pain she has caused me.  

Her “intent” was certainly and most definitely to betray me. She didn’t just wake up to find she was having sex with the guy from work. This was no accident. This required preplanning. There was flirting, texting, stolen moments at work, all leading up to going to his apartment to have sex the first time, and every time after that. Every step of the way was a decision, and everytime she CHOSE to betray me.  This was literally THOUSANDS of conscious, deliberate decisions to betray me. Over and over and over again. 

Lets compare a non-adultery scenario. Let’s say there was a little boy that is sexually molested as a child. He then grows up and he molests children.  He is caught, and goes to court to face the judge and jury. Does his childhood sexual abuse absolve him of his crime? Does he get a pass? Does he get a second chance? Does it get him a lighter sentence in prison? Does he get special treatment? 

No, he is throw in prison to serve his sentence and pay his debt to society. 

I read a quote early after D-day. I will never forget it. 

“Hurt People hurt people” -Unknown 
 
I won’t, I will be alone before I inflict this misery on another human. 


Keepabuzz I understand the logic behind your ideas.  To you clearly she was doing wrong and therefore each decision she made...  from texting to flirting to going to his place was a deliberate attack on you...  a conscious betrayal.  In her mind I can guarantee this was not the case.  Now I am not going to lie, it's hard to defend because the thought process is illogical but it is important to understand none the less.  And it's importance is in NO WAY to absolve the WS of the consequences!!  But rather it is key to understand for the healing of the BS.  

With your law example,  I know the severity of the hurt inflicted is extreme but they aren't equally comparable.   She wasn't choosing to hurt you in the moment...  that was the consequence but not the intent.  Just as neglecting a child, does not have the same punishment as actually physically abusing a child (physically or verbally).  Mind and motive are very different when an act is directly against an individual vs when they are away acting on their own behalf with consequences affecting others.  Most WS do not have malicious intent when they engage with the AP.    This is not a justification!  It's a reality. 
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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UrbanExplorer
Agreed, Laura. Of course, my affair was a terrible betrayal. I would undo all of it if I could. While I was in it, I was acting to reduce the pain, emptiness, and listlessness inside me and in accordance with a toxic dynamic that felt familiar. Each action flowed into the next. It felt like both survival and self-annihilation. It never felt like hundreds of betrayals of my H, one for every conversation or action. I can see how it looks like that from the outside. It was more blindly selfish than that.
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Keepabuzz
Laurajean83 wrote:


Keepabuzz I understand the logic behind your ideas.  To you clearly she was doing wrong and therefore each decision she made...  from texting to flirting to going to his place was a deliberate attack on you...  a conscious betrayal.  In her mind I can guarantee this was not the case.  Now I am not going to lie, it's hard to defend because the thought process is illogical but it is important to understand none the less.  And it's importance is in NO WAY to absolve the WS of the consequences!!  But rather it is key to understand for the healing of the BS.  

With your law example,  I know the severity of the hurt inflicted is extreme but they aren't equally comparable.   She wasn't choosing to hurt you in the moment...  that was the consequence but not the intent.  Just as neglecting a child, does not have the same punishment as actually physically abusing a child (physically or verbally).  Mind and motive are very different when an act is directly against an individual vs when they are away acting on their own behalf with consequences affecting others.  Most WS do not have malicious intent when they engage with the AP.    This is not a justification!  It's a reality. 


I simply don’t agree. She may not have made intentional attacks towards me at each of those decision points, but she most certainly did consciously betray me at each and every one. 

I also disagree on your second point. She saw with her own eyes how her gaslighting was destroying my mental health. She saw how she was literally driving me insane.  She saw what she was doing to me, even though I had no idea the real truth.

The comparison I made IS equally comparable. There are many documented cases of abused children growing up and abusing other children, and they swear that they didn’t abuse them. They only “loved” them. What they did, they did out of love for that child. This is a reality. Their intent was not to harm the child. When they go to court does this lack of “intent” get them anything?  No. This is a reality. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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