And now, after the affair, the situation is even worse. How do I get round this? How do I get him to open up about things and talk to me in a way that I know would be good for both of us? Is it possible to actually recover from an affair without really ever talking about it? I can see that if you don't talk, you are not really solving any problems you may have tucked away in your marriage, but what are you supposed to do when you don't seem to have much of an option? Surely there isn't only me on this planet with this kind of problem!
When the last affair happened, I didn't have so much support then, and everything kind of got covered up and muddled through. I don't want that to happen this time, but anyone else been through this? All I can see at the moment is that 'if' he commits to coming home, we just end up 'carrying on regardless'.
Also his current indecisiveness is causing me a problem in that I'm beginning to get so discouraged with waiting around. I keep thinking maybe I would be better off on my own and a fresh start. You know the feeling, when you get that little nagging voice in one ear yelling at you to just cut your losses and give up, and then the one at the other side is whispering, hang on, just give it a bit longer, be patient. How much time is enough time? I know quite a few of you are probably thinking, have you talked to him about it, but that's just my problem isn't it? How?
Well, I'm really sorry because you seem to have got more than the one question but I've been having a confusing and disillusioned few days, so I guess I've been having a bit of a rant...thank you for letting me.
I had something similar with my ex-husband. I was always the one it seemed that wanted to talk about things & I did more of the talking. He on the other hand would say very little & often give me his famous "I don't know" line.
I don't think you can fully recover from an affair if things aren't completely talked about because there will continue to be too much uncertainty. To me you have to work out some type of "system" where you will each have an opportunity to talk about things & listen to each other & then respond accordingly. If you don't have something in place I'm afraid it will be a very one-sided conversation & that can become frustrating.
I think the waiting around is hard & I would tell you to listen to that inner voice you are hearing. That is one of my biggest regrets...not listening to what I was thinking & hearing. I kept trying to rationalize things & in the end it just hurt me more. If your husband doesn't want to work harder on communication then going forward might prove to be a real challenge. I remember finding myself working a lot harder at the marriage & yet it was my ex who had the affair. Something doesn't seem right with that picture!
Hope this helped a little....