Loveandlight7111
Just wanted some feedback from WS's about what finally got you out of the affair "fog" and gave you the drive to end your affair once and for all.
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Kalmarjan
Loveandlight7111 wrote:
Just wanted some feedback from WS's about what finally got you out of the affair "fog" and gave you the drive to end your affair once and for all.


It was a super slow process for me. It wasn't a one day this is it! thing. I read my diary from last year and I could see that the relationship was in a slow deteriation from the moment I moved out.

The straw though, was when my AP started asserting herself with how I was raising my son. Here I had a 23 year old giving me pointers on how I should be raising my child. Someone who didn't have children, and didn't even like the kids that she babysat.

I only had 2 days with my son, and that meant after school. So, I was looking at 9 hours at the MOST with my son a week. I remember I made it another day, so that upped it to a whole 12 hours! It became an issue with my AP because she felt lime I was encroaching on "our time" by having my son.

Plus, that caused me to take a hard look. Did I have a future with this woman? Would I be able to have a child with her? Would her family ever accept my son? Could I do that to him?

No. So it had to end.

You know who would accept my son for who he is, and who will accept me without any conditions aside from the ones I agreed to 13 years ago?

That's right. My wife. The one who I should have been with all along.
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Loveandlight7111
Thank you for your response Kilmarjan (sorry if I misspelled it). My husband is in the throes of his second affair and I am trying to figure out what I should do on my end. He needs help desperately and is unwilling to truly take a hard look at himself. I am just trying to focus on taking care of myself and our 9 month old son. You had mentioned in a previous post that your wife also owned her issues in the marriage, worked on herself and proved to you that she didn't need you so I think that is what I need to do as well. I love my husband and the person he was before the affairs, I just feel he is running away from his issues.
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Loveandlight7111
Kal- I hope and pray my husband finds the clarity you finally did. I just want us to be a family!!!
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Kalmarjan
Loveandlight7111 wrote:
Thank you for your response Kilmarjan (sorry if I misspelled it). My husband is in the throes of his second affair and I am trying to figure out what I should do on my end. He needs help desperately and is unwilling to truly take a hard look at himself. I am just trying to focus on taking care of myself and our 9 month old son. You had mentioned in a previous post that your wife also owned her issues in the marriage, worked on herself and proved to you that she didn't need you so I think that is what I need to do as well. I love my husband and the person he was before the affairs, I just feel he is running away from his issues.


I hear you here...

Unfortunately there is nothing we can do about the actions of our SO. The only thing we can do is get our stuff in order and hope that the example is good enough.

He is on his second affair? He may very well need to look at his actions. It's time for him to figure out if this is who he really is, and what he is missing to be with you. Integrity is what he needs.

I want to be with my wife. Not because it's easy (and believe me it's not!) but because I love her and I don't want to hurt her again.

To be honest, when I first got here, I was still in the blame game. I was putting blame for the affair on my wife. Then I pulled my head out of my ass.

Some guys don't want to admit they're wrong. That the "soul mate" they have found is not who they thought they were. It's hard to compute, for sure.
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TimT
Loveandlight7111 wrote:
Just wanted some feedback from WS's about what finally got you out of the affair "fog" and gave you the drive to end your affair once and for all.

This won't be encouraging, but it took me over 3 years to finally "break" to the point that I was moving certainly and clearly in a healthy direction. It was too late for my marriage at the time, but if it had happened earlier the ending might have been very different.

One of the things missing from my experience (and what I try to provide to others now) was good counseling. I can't guarantee that it would have made a difference, but I think it would have.

Ultimately, it was the influence of my children, not my wife, that broke me. I hope your husband finds his way there much sooner, for your sake and his own.
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Parsely1
I was completely torn. I knew deep down what I SHOULD do but the pain of giving up my AP unbearable and heartbreaking. In the end it was my AP's increasing desperation and recklessness to hold onto me - she didn't care about my guilt and shame of breaking away fro my wife whom I've known for 35 yrs, and didn't quite understand the devastation on my 3 grown up boys. She thought they would come round in time. They have all but disowned me at the moment. I stupidly never saw it as an issue between me and them. I convinced myself that they would understand that life's too short and this was just something between me and their mum. I couldn't have been more wrong. They took it, understandably now, that I walked out on them too. They thought we had the perfect family and they were so proud of me. The feeling of loss of respect and love from your kids is just too hard to bear.

So I worked out I could never be happy with the AP ( I actually did walk out to be with her initially) because a) I'd abandoned my wife without even having had a proper conversation about what I thought was missing (intimacy, affection, feeling wanted and desired) and b) I could never have any peace of mind trying to build a life with her and her two younger children while I had no relationship with my own.

So I'm committing to rebuilding my marriage and my relationship with my 3 boys. I know it's not going to be easy and at the same time I feel terrible sadness and loss at giving up my AP who I felt deeply in love with and have the additional guilt of abandoning her as she left her husband first. A terrible mess and so much pain and hurt for so many people who didn't deserve it. I don't know how I will ever come to terms with what I've done. I'll carry the guilt, shame and self loathing for my selfishness for the rest of my life.
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TimT
Parsely1 wrote:
...I'll carry the guilt, shame and self loathing for my selfishness for the rest of my life.

I hope not, Parsely1. You will always carry the deep regret and sorrow for what you have done, but I hope you will experience the healing that allows you to get to the place of realizing that you have something better to give than what you have given before. If you do that, the people who love you (including your children) may offer you the gifts of forgiveness & grace that allow you all to heal.

I can speak as one who has spent 20 years building a relationship with 5 children who were all deeply damaged by my selfishness. I would give anything to go back and change our story, but I am thankful for their forgiveness and for the ways we have grown through it all.
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