strength1
I really want to understand my WS, who has just ended a 2-year mostly long distance relationship with OW.  Looking to hear from other WS: What feelings did you go through when you ended the affair (because you wanted to, not because you felt forced to)?  How long before you began to seek BS’ company and support?  What does it take to get to that stage? Could BS have done anything to “help” at that moment?
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Phoenix
I ended affair because I wanted to. I did not miss the affair partner. It was a conscious choice to end it. It brought me a lot of anxiety to keep a secret from my husband, to sneak around, to lie. I felt a lot of guilt and shame for many years. I always wanted to tell him but I never had the courage. I was a coward. This caused me to build a wall for many years. I never thought he would want to work things through with me if I told him so I did not and he only made things worse. My biggest desire is to reconciliation with him but he does not have the same desire as me. I kept it from him for too many years to protect myself and that showed a lot. 
If my husband would not berate me, castigate me, humiliate me, be mean to me I would be more willing to get close to him. As of now every time I open up it is used to castigate me and shame me. I know I deserve it and I created that monster. It's been more than 2 years since I told him the truth about what I did, I would like to be able to move forward and truly work on our new relationship. 
I hope I answered your question. 
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Sorry
I ended the affair because I realised what it was, a farce, a scam and a lie. 

It was exceptionally hard because during the affair I had compartmentalised it so much that I was genuinely shocked by how much it destroyed my family and life.

I also had whole heartedly believed that the affair was real and true love and different and all of that other nonsense. So I mourned the affair for a relatively long time. I had a huge amount of cognitive dissonanace where I kept feeling life I would wake up and it would all make sense or be easy again.

I actually told my husband because I knew I had a severe and unhealthy addiction to the affair and I needed to stop it. But I could not manage to do so on my own, or with a marriage that was a sham.

I needed something real. I was prepared to work to make my marriage real again, and take responsibility.

I think my husband make it much easier with his acceptance of me, and the fact that he could still love me even when I was hating myself for the mess that I had made of our lives.

But the truth is that I am moral and honest person, I just got caught up in a fairytale romance which I decided was real and the way it made me feel. When I realised it was instead toxic and my AP was not who I imagined I felt cheapened and saddened.

I didnt want the rest of my life to feel that way. I could not change the past. So I accepted the consequences and worked forward to the future.

Its all I had, and 4 years down the line I am so glad I did. 
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