Godspeach
Thanks, Tim.
I just remind myself the only thing special about the OP was their willingness to be a bear skinned rug or lap dog for a desperate wayward Spouse. Particularly, if the Wayward Spouse has love hunger/sexual addiction issues. They are fooling themselves by believing they are unique or special. Rarely ever do they "win."
Besides, if they do, their marriage is a sinking ship from day one.
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Leticia
Thanks to the above.  And thank you Godspeach for your insight.  This is my biggest cross I am carrying since the AP has been harassing me and my children for quite some time and I don't respond but, God know, I'm dying to. 
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AHmember76
I have been both the ow and the betrayed spouse. I was the ow when I/he was separated. And I tell you I was OK with not 'winning" him. It was for me and him both an escape from reality. Not all ow/om want to be in a long term relationship with your spouse. They may just want a break from their life. Everyone thinks the ow/om doesn't know about the spouse. And with my husband's affair she didn't. He promised that poor girl the world. I feel sorry for her. But with me I knew he was separated and I didn't care. I wasn't looking for forever. I was looking for right now and so was he.
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Godspeach
Thank you for giving an inside view of the OP. Unfortunately, I've heard this said before. My mother was actually the BS/OP many years ago. She explained it in great detail how choosing to be the OW feels.
It sounds like a really desperate act that is done to rescue their own self esteem while not FULLY realizing or caring about the pain caused to SOMEONE ELSE.

The hurt caused to every part of my life and my children who have disabilities is astronomical. I still had to press on inspite of my own undeserved pain for their sakes. All because someone else needed a mood lifter.
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AHmember76
I agree fully and it was such a bad decision. I thought because we were both separated it made it ok. It didn't. I can't change what I did. But I can give insight to why. And I hope it helps just a little to see it from the other side. I also think we always want to blame the other person, but the reality is the op owes us nothing. They were not the one who promised us the world than smashed it, that was our spouse.
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TimT
AHmember76 wrote:
I can't change what I did. But I can give insight to why. And I hope it helps just a little to see it from the other side.


I hope so, too. The reasons people get involved as an OW/OM are varied, but often experience their own pain & brokenness with little support for healing. I hope this can be a safe place for us all to share, to offer grace without justifying or excusing. Thank you for being willing to share some of your story.
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Scarlett
I was a MOW. My AP and I started out as friends with common interests which eventually led to an EA. For both of us we were missing things in our own marriages that both of us were able to fulfill in each other.  We did talk about leaving our spouses, something I followed through with. He was not able to when Dday occurred. 

I will say your last comment is right on. There is absolutely no support for the OW/OM when the affair is over. We have to do everything possible to save our marriages, while at the same time grieve the loss of someone. It's like a death occurred when you go from having someone special in your life that you speak to hours a day who is suddenly gone. You can never find closure. I still grieve for him, and the time is now longer than our affair lasted. All because I was not allowed to say goodbye. If you wonder why the OW keeps calling, it's because she needs answers. The best way to make her move on is to let your husband have that final conversation. I don't agree with the advise that the end needs to be short and firm. EA's are not flings. There are real feelings involved.
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Scarlett
I have never contacted my AP's wife. The relationship was between me and him, and he's the one who has to answer to what he did. I don't hate her, and I certainly wouldn't expect her to let me talk to him. You are absolutely right. He is the one who made promises, and he is the coward for not owning up to what he said. Most of these men are cowards. They chose to find someone else rather than work on their own marriage. After they are discovered, they will throw the OW under the bus to save themselves. They are selfish and narcissistic and they don't care who they hurt in they process.

I am willing to answer questions as long as I am not attacked or criticized. Remember we were lied to just like you were. We have feelings and are just as devastated when we find out how these men really are. 


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TimT
AHmember127 wrote:
I am willing to answer questions as long as I am not attacked or criticized. Remember we were lied to just like you were. We have feelings and are just as devastated when we find out how these men really are.


Thank you for sharing, AH127. This is exactly the kind of open sharing I want to encourage in this forum. And just to assure you, any personal attacks or criticisms will not be tolerated in this community. There is a way for us to disagree (even strongly so) and yet remain respectful and curious. 

I have a question for you... Did you know he was married when the affair started? If not, when/how did you find out? If so, why were you willing to take such a risk (knowing how most of these relationships turn out)? 
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Leticia
I would like to know the same thing. if you knew he was married, why did you even pursue a relationship with him? After I found out, The AP would send me messages and tell me in detail what they did. She even went as far as to tell me that she was pregnant and started insulting me. She eventually found my kids on Facebook and sent them private messages about their dad and her. She insulted me to my kids telling them that their dad was miserable with their mom (me). She sent my kids pictures of them together I have been tempted to call her and respond to everything but I have not even responded or called her back. I feel like my husband has gotten away with this because nobody knows about his affair I love Husband very much but it's not the same like it used to be. I know this is his fault I know he lied to everybody but why did the AP feels the need to contact me in contact my kids and take it to extreme with the whole family will be destroyed because of this. Who is she punishing? My husband? Or me and my kids?
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TimT
AHmember98 wrote:
...but why did the AP feels the need to contact me in contact my kids and take it to extreme with the whole family will be destroyed because of this. Who is she punishing? My husband? Or me and my kids?


It may be that the only person who can answer that question is your husband's AP. Just like all the other people involved in an affair story (including the unfaithful partner and betrayed partner), different motives drive different people. I've worked with OM/OW who were actually victims of the unfaithful partners lies; they didn't know. Others are cruel, having an intent to break apart a marriage from the start. 

But most APs fall between these two extremes. And even those who knew the partner was married are usually told a story about the marriage that is far from the actual truth. I'm not excusing the choice, just pointing out that there are many different motives and experiences. 

It's may be impossible for many betrayed spouses to have any empathy for any affair partner. I understand that. But the OM/OW go through tremendous pains and grief of their own. In fact, I've had a number of experiences with betrayed spouses (esp women) who met the affair partner and realized that they had a lot in common as victims of the unfaithful partner's lies.
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Leticia
AHmember127 wrote:
There is absolutely no support for the OW/OM when the affair is over. We have to do everything possible to save our marriages, while at the same time grieve the loss of someone. It's like a death occurred when you go from having someone special in your life that you speak to hours a day who is suddenly gone. You can never find closure. I still grieve for him, and the time is now longer than our affair lasted. All because I was not allowed to say goodbye. If you wonder why the OW keeps calling, it's because she needs answers. The best way to make her move on is to let your husband have that final conversation. I don't agree with the advise that the end needs to be short and firm. EA's are not flings. There are real feelings involved.


With all due respect - If you knew that he was married, why would you even need that closure?  you knew what you were getting yourself into.  I'm not trying to sound witchy, but it's true.  I would never consider messing around with a married man.  if he's lying to his wife, why would you think he's not lying to you?  really?  Again, you knew what you were getting into.  Unless you never knew he was married.  That's a different story.  The OW does keep contacting me through many avenues but it's to insult me.  She found my kids on FB and gave them a full detail about their dad and her, all the while insulting their mom.  You know, I know my DH is a liar, and I was not mad at her in the beginning, but when she took it to the extreme to put my family in jeopardy for her indiscretions, that's when I have the problem.
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Scarlett
TimT wrote:
AHmember127 wrote:
I am willing to answer questions as long as I am not attacked or criticized. Remember we were lied to just like you were. We have feelings and are just as devastated when we find out how these men really are.


Thank you for sharing, AH127. This is exactly the kind of open sharing I want to encourage in this forum. And just to assure you, any personal attacks or criticisms will not be tolerated in this community. There is a way for us to disagree (even strongly so) and yet remain respectful and curious. 

I have a question for you... Did you know he was married when the affair started? If not, when/how did you find out? If so, why were you willing to take such a risk (knowing how most of these relationships turn out)? 


I did know he was married, as was I. We had a friendship that developed into something more serious. Neither of us were in happy marriages, but we stayed for the kids and financial reasons. For him he was also a business partner with his wife and involved in politics. We began the affair knowing we were fulfilling in each other what we were missing in our marriages and never intended on leaving our spouses. Overtime we fell in love, and when my husband found out I didn't want to lose my AP, and he didn't want to lose me. I ended up separating from my husband, and he told me he was going through the steps needed with his business to separate from his wife. When the day came that his wife found out, he completely threw me away.
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TimT
AHmember127 wrote:
I ended up separating from my husband, and he told me he was going through the steps needed with his business to separate from his wife. When the day came that his wife found out, he completely threw me away.


Unfortunately, it's a familiar story. I'm not sure how long ago that was for you, or what your process of healing is, but I'm curious about how you're trying to work through the experience or what you're learning from it.
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Scarlett
His Dday was 9 months ago. I am still having a very difficult time because I feel like I was used and lied to. I have seen him in public and am not allowed to talk to him. It's like I don't exist. It makes me question everything he said to me and makes me so angry that he sat and watched me give up my marriage for him.

I am back with my husband and we are going through counseling, but the hold my AP still has over me is keeping us stuck in the recovery. Not a day goes by I do not think of him, and I still want answers. I don't feel like I can move on until I have those, but I know I will never get them. The way he threw me away makes me realize he is not the man I thought he was and I'm better off without him, yet I can't seem to let go.
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