Courage
My question is for all those betrayed spouses who are working on their marriages went their wayward spouses are committed to the marriage? That means no contact since discovery. You're not dealing with the WS attachment to the affair partner but you are just trying to get over the affair. What are your struggles?
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Nate
I'm having a really difficult time with healing. My wife says she doesn't want a divorce but isn't really being proactive when it comes to my need to be close to her. We are back in the same bed but she's uncomfortable with me touching her. Even something as trivial as a quick kiss or hug seems to make her uncomfortable. I don't know what to do. It's hard.
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Brandi
I struggle with revenge. This wh*re talked about me, my marriage and my kids to my husband. Then went ahead and slept with him anyway. Knowing he was married. And she gets no reprecussions. Just gets to go through life while my husband and I fight. Fight with each other and for each other. I fight with depression/ptsd/anxiety because of their actions. I struggle with letting go of the idea of the 'perfect marriage' and 'perfect spouse' and to see things as they really are. Life is not a romantic comedy and taking off those rose colored glasses was very hard for me. I liked my pseudo reality. I also struggled with him touching me. Well not at first. At first I wanted nothing more than him to touch me. Then after about 6 weeks (and I found out some lies) I couldnt get the images of the two of them out of my head. So on the 7th we will be 90 days post dday (we have a few but that was the actual they were/are sleeping together dday) and this past week I have a new attitude. I am no longer allowing myself to be a victim. I will survive this and if I do that with him as my husband then fantastic. If we dont survive as a couple then we have (or at least I have) learned valuable lessons and I will take them with me into any new relationship I have.
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Kalmarjan
Brandi - good on you! I know that it's been a rough patch, and the triggers from his lies certainly don't help.

Turns out though, that you are okay. You can get through this, and you will eventually get to a point where *she*won't even warrant a nickname anymore. She will be the one that helped change things in your situation, but no matter which way it goes, it will have happened anyway.

That's the lesson I learned after a while... It's not about her... It's about him. (or in my case, me.)

See, if it weren't her, can you say that it wouldn't happen at another time with someone else? I can say that it wasn't my AP that made me cheat, I did. So, it stands to reason I would have cheated later on because I didn't know my boundaries and I certainly didn't respect my wife.

You are now coming to a place where I can see you have picked yourself up and realized it ain't about him. Your story is written by you, not his (or her) actions. You've come a long way.

Keep it up!

Take care.
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Why
Brandi hold strong! I am two years past D day still finding out things. Just when I feel strong and connected something triggers me like a tonne of bricks. My husband had a 5 year relationship with a coworker who joined the charity he runs to be close then had the balls to move around the block from us when he lost his job. I have done acts of revenge that I don't regret. I strongly believe society hampers the healing of the betrayed and therapists don't really know what to do when they have someone in the office at ground zero from d-day. Read the monogamy myth, its a good book. I would love to take on society to correct its thinking. The revenge I felt best about was writing to her children to teach, as the village should , what is not true love, and to give the resources to read to recognize the plague that society has cast upon us.

I have good days and bad, I have required medical assistance and accept it openly. But the idea of my husband getting out of our bed to drive to hers while I struggle to get the newborn and preschooler out the door every day, work 40+ hours with no vacation time because it was used up on maternity leave. To have to explain to the kids for 5 years where's daddy? When will daddy be home?? I now use life360 so the kids can look and see where daddy is and they can call and question him themselves.
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VoodooChild
This post was made 2 days after my DDAY so I don't have much insight into the long term relationship struggles of reconciliation after affair. I feel conflicting feelings often. I desire to be close and physically intimite but like Brandi have difficulty separating his affections towards me with his affections towards her. It creates a barrier that's hard to cross because crossing is to remember him doing the same with her. It's all very painful. I struggle to talk because it only ends in me feeling more alone and rejected than when we started talking. I dig for things like sincere regret and remorse. I hold on to all these feelings, trying to stay above them while I get through the work week but the bleeding is too much to handle when I let it loose on the weekends. I struggle not to be angry that his pain seems to be over, for the most part, unless I bring up my feelings. I don't love the way I used to because the trust was shattered. I struggle with the amount of time the affair lasted and think it's unfair that I shouldn't be able to ask questions about the affair freely and without attack fit at least as long as it lasted. I'm numb inside and feel like I'm faking. I struggle with daily disappointment in being able to feel safe and loved. It's hard because we're both broken. Where I used to be the strong one, able to provide hope and reassurance for us both, I don't see past the very near future. He feels insecure that I can't but in whole heartedly and I'm resentful that he would even think that was a possibility after that damage that's been done.
Has any BS ever been able to reclaim the feeling of being "special" or loved after this magnitude. I find myself grieving both of these feelings and losing hope.
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Scarlett
You're feelings hit home with me as my BS is having the same issues. His lack of trust is even bleeding over into other aspects of his life like in his job. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for him to leave me. Not that I want that, but I want him to heal and I don't know if staying with me is ever going to help him. I'm just not sure he will ever trust me. Even minor things like talking to other men about business or the volunteer work I do makes him nervous. I just can't help wondering if he would be better off finding someone else. 
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surviving
Scarlett - forgiveness can come quickly, trust takes quite awhile.  They say that trust takes as long as the affair lasted.  If that is true, it will take me 34 years to trust him again.  It is just my opinion, but you should give it more time.  If he wants to stay, you'll have to give him more time.  If he doesn't want to stay, then let him go.  I believe in miracles, I am looking for one myself.
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Kalmarjan
Scarlett wrote:
You're feelings hit home with me as my BS is having the same issues. His lack of trust is even bleeding over into other aspects of his life like in his job. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for him to leave me. Not that I want that, but I want him to heal and I don't know if staying with me is ever going to help him. I'm just not sure he will ever trust me. Even minor things like talking to other men about business or the volunteer work I do makes him nervous. I just can't help wondering if he would be better off finding someone else. 


Honestly I have the same thing with my wife. She gets nervous if I talk to the opposite sex, if I'm scrolling through my FB feed and there's a woman there and I linger for a millisecond to long...

I also understand why. I'm the one who broke the trust. All I can do is make sure that what I am doing matches who I am as a man, and stick to that. That, and make sure that my wife is doing okay too. If it means constantly checking in, so be it.

I think that your husband staying and working through this speaks volumes. He had every right to kick you to the curb, but instead chose to work through it. I think it's going to be tough, but with time I think you'll find that it gets easier.

Meanwhile, remember... Love is a VERB.
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Tim2014
Well Scarlett like kal has said time and time again, you have to go that extra mile!
You have to do all the hard work! It's like this you are reconstructing your relationship! You te the contractor. You're done the demolish work, now the real work begins. You have to pour a new foundation. Then you have lay the framework so he sees you are reinvested in the marriage.then and only then can you begin to erect a new marriage. Remember a house is only as good as its foundation. So now it's time to roll up your do the hard work of building a new and better foundation. The miracle will be in time he'll see that and that's when he'll roll up his sleeves and will lend a hand! When he sees you're determined to rebuild that foundation all on your own. Your hard work will pay off!
Sorry got carried away . Just my opinion!
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