Tapered
My WS has changed over the last year. He used to play online games via Xbox with people from different states. He befriended this couple who had three children of their own and the woman, 2 other children from a previous relationship. The children are 30, 28 years old from her first marriage and
16, 14, and 11 from her second partner. My husband travelled closed to the area they lived(another state about 6 hours away from where he was staying). They live in a very small town with a population of less than 2100. My husband took the couple and their 3 kids on a weekend trip to a city about 1.5 hours away and spent for the couple and the kids. He spent another weekend during that time with them on a river trip, which I found out later, my husband and the AP went on a river float trip by themselves for 6 hours. My husband did not tell me about his trips but I knew about it because his some of his messages to the couple were coming to my iPhone. He was buying the couple's kids gifts, brand name clothes, backpacks, and other things. In November 8, 2014, the AP(as I call her now), sent my my husband 5 partially nude photos of herself to my husband's message on his phone but I got anyway. I confronted my husband at that time and he said it was sent by mistake.
The following month we were planning a vacation to San Francisco. My husband said he did not have any money so we ended not going on vacation. I was thinking with the money I saved and if he did not spend all that money on them, we would have been able to go on vacation.

I found out earlier this year (March 2015) that on December 15, 2014, the AP and her husband separated and he moved to another state. My husband started to call her very frequently which I discovered around late February when I started suspecting something and looking through the phone records online. In February, they planned another weekend together with the AP and her three kids. After he came back from his trip in February, I found out that my husband's affair partner had broken up with her husband in 12/15/14, all the time thinking he spent a weekend in February with the couple and her three kids. I also noted in February phone record that my husband called her 6-8x per day and on Valentine's Day, my husband called her 14 times. They have been texting, skyping, calling each othe numerous times each day, chatting in FB. In March 2015, i found out he had a secret phone which he was using to call her only. Through text left on this secret phone, I found out he had purchase expensive Bluetooth earphones, sent her money and flowers on her birthday. He sends her kids money, presents, souvenirs when he travels, thing I found out by snooping and by accident.
He told me in March, he wants a divorce, he has been wanting to leave for 14 years but stayed because of the kids, does not know at this stage of his life who he wants to grow old with and where he wants to retire. He has asked me, where are you retiiring then proceeds to tell me where he wants to retire, tells me what kind of car he is going to buy. He has told me that his AP is his best friend and it is normal for best friends, even married to call, text, Skype as many times a day as they want because they are best friends. I told his AP and my husband that married people need to have respectful boundaries, but they continue to communicate and just do things they want. My husband is distant, cold, dies his own thing. When he is home from work travel, he goes out most afternoons for 3-4 hours with his 2 phones and iPad . I use to cry all the time. Now I cry once in awhile because im so pissed off at the two of them and I'm at this point, I'm thinking of divorcing him.

I have contacted the AP and I've tried to tell her about respecting boundaries. I have cursed her and she had cursed me the same with texting. My husband defends her. I feel hopeless. I'm ready to give up. My youngest son, who is 18 years old now is most affected. My 25 year old is supportive if I divorce him.

I have been married 30 years and do not want to give up on this marriage. I'm 55 years old and do not want to live like this any longer. When is the right time to give up?

He is distant emotionally, physically.
When I respectfully asked him a question, he ignores me. Almost ready to give up.
Help!!
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surviving
ngochangco - I am so sorry you are going through this.  However, I wouldn't give him the privilege of a divorce.  Let him leave because he is in his affair fog.  He can't make an honest decision until he comes out of that.  If he wants a divorce, let him get one. All that is my honest opinion, you have to make your own mind up.  Do what would be best for you and your children, your WS's opinion doesn't matter at this time.
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Tapered
How long does an affair fog last?
Sometimes I think I'm hindering his and her happiness. Maybe, they truly love each other and I'm just not accepting their relationship.
How can a husband be so cruel to a wife and find all the positives with their AP?
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Kalmarjan
Ngochangco, I'm so sorry you are going though this.

I don't know if there is a time frame for the fog, but I do know that you start getting out of it when your mind starts disagreeing with what is being said, the "reality."

To truly get out of it, it is essential to go completely NO CONTACT. Then it takes time. The figure I've seen thrown around is roughly half the time you were in the relationship.

Please understand that the anger and spite has nothing to do with you. Your husband is acting the fool right now, and is blinded by his story that he sold himself. In order for that to work, he has to be angry, or bitter at something. This way he can "justify" what he is doing.

You can kind of see that when he is talking about retirement. Or what car he will have... It seems pretty random, unless of course you guys fought about that a lot.

Right now his AP is being everything he wants. It's all, one big fantasy, that's it. It's all part of an infatuation phase where she will look like an angel. Even if she does something he doesn't like, he will justify it. This is, until it all becomes too much.
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Tapered
I suspect their affair has been going on for over a year and has not ended. The AP seems arrogant through her text to me that my husband sides with her and defends her.

I thought we would grow old together. My marriage was not perfect, but I thought we were both contented. My husband's AP husband has called his ex a w---e and my husband a snake.

We never fought about where we would both retire or what car we would have when we retired. As long as we could afford the car he wants to buy, I was ok with it.

As far as looking at our phone records to see how many times they text and call, my husband has locked me out of our account so I cannot access the account for almost 3 months now.

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TimT
ngochangco wrote:
...I have been married 30 years and do not want to give up on this marriage. I'm 55 years old and do not want to live like this any longer. When is the right time to give up?...

I think NOW it the time to give up on taking responsibility for trying to make your marriage work. Whether or not that means divorce is up to you, but you can't do this on your own. HE needs to accept responsibility for repair and making your marriage safe again, but since he has on interest in doing so I think you should stop trying to make that happen. It's painful to know that he'll probably run straight to his fantasy, but I think you need to let that happen (since he's not willing to let it go anyway).
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Tapered
To Mr. Tim T,
When you say I need to let him run straight to the fantasy, does it mean just let him continue the affair till he comes out of the fog or till he decides who he wants to be with?
What are the statistics on marriages that start out as affairs? Are most of those marriages successful?
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Kalmarjan
I'm not TimT, but on the marriage question...

I did some research on that... And I read that less than 1% of marriages that start out as affairs make it... Out of those... If it's a second mariage, then you are looking at a 40% rate of success... Put the two together... Wows ers....


Less than 1%
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TimT
ngochangco wrote:
When you say I need to let him run straight to the fantasy, does it mean just let him continue the affair till he comes out of the fog or till he decides who he wants to be with? What are the statistics on marriages that start out as affairs? Are most of those marriages successful?

It means you let him go to... whatever. You can't control that. (Have you read the Wayward Spouse eBook?) You may decide, before he ever comes back, that you do not choose to be with him anymore, but that is a choice only you can decide.

I think that less than 10% of affairs even continue into long-term relationships and only a small fraction of those avoid divorce down the road.

I've encountered thousands of affairs and personally worked with hundreds of them. I only know of 1 relationship that started as an affair that seems to be doing well (about 4 years into their relationship). I know a few others that are married, but facing significant problems, mostly centered around trust. But all the other hundreds have ended, doing a lot of damage along the way.

Of course, every person in an affair thinks "we are the exception to the rule." They're not.
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Tapered
How do you deal with a husband that is very distant, goes out in the afternoon for several hours, does not ask me or my younger son to come with him, brings his iPad and 2 phones with him constantly, ignores you when you talk to him--- on a daily basis? I have told him if he wants a divorce, he can file, but states he does not have the money, because the divorce will be costly. In my moment of pain and anger during an argument a few days ago, I told him I couldn't stand the way we were living and I want s divorce also.
How do I bring a positive change in myself?
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