Butterbug
Hello, I am not sure how this works but I am hoping to get some help.  My husband and I have been together for 27 years and married for 21.  We have two kids, 20 and 17.  

Our story is a long one and has not been smooth.  At seven years of marriage he left me while having an online affair.  We were able to work things out and I thought we were good.  At 14 years, he had a major brain stem surgery at Mayo Clinic.  It was very traumatic for the entire family.  But we made it through.  I never left his side.

A few months ago I started having some lady problems.  I thought it was a basic infection and went to the doctor.  I was treated but nothing would help. After several visits I learned I had an std.  I confronted him and he lied.  Said he didn’t give it to me.  Must have come from a towel.  I am 41 years old and not dumb.  I knew he was lying.  I pressed on.  Finally he told me he slept with someone three years ago.  But I knew that wasn’t it.  Then he said he also had a blow job at a massage parlor.  And finally almost another month later he has confessed to having unprotected sex with a stripper.  

I am lost. I don’t know what to do.  If I leave I am throwing so much of my life away.  But I don’t know how to get over this.  How to trust.  What I have is supposed to be curable but I am now on my fifth round of meds to try to heal.  I am so angry.  I don’t beleive in just walking away from a marriage but when is enough, enough? And when do I just become a weak fool for staying.  Please, any advise is so helpful.  Thank you.
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Vanessa
If you leave you are SAVING the REST of your life.  The past is the same weather you go or stay.  Your FUTURE is where your choices right now will make a difference. 
Do you want to be with a person who has lied to you, betrayed your trust, literally risked your health by having unprotected sex, diverted resources outside of the marriage OR do you want to find someone who has NOT broken your heart?
It is VERY hard to give up on a marriage, but your marriage was NOT the marriage you THOUGHT you had. If you had known what he would do during your marriage would you have married him?
Hugs and strength in this sh#t show you have just entered
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anthropoidape
I agree. When someone cheats it is not about asking whether you should leave. You need a good reason to stay. The reason to stay in a case like this would need to be huge, drastic, miraculous change.

Think of it not as giving up, but rather as acknowledging that he gave up a long time ago.

Given how you guys were when you got together I can see why you forgave him the first time you caught him way back when. But he didn't learn anything, clearly. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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ssix6pack
Well, you’re certainly not weak if you leave, nor if you stay. Both take tremendous courage - healing takes courage. Rug sweeping is easy (deceptively speaking.) 

I’m always pro-reconciliation if possible. To me, that option requires massive changes. Lifestyle changes, repentance if believers, full confessions, clear/form boundaries, and so on. It is NOT a “I’m staying! We’re fine!” attitude. It is work. 

I cant tell you what is best, because I simply don’t know. I would think hard on what you’d need to stay, what boundaries and “new” changes you want. If those aren’t joyfully agreed to, the answer would become more clear for me. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
I
When someone cheats it is not about asking whether you should leave. You need a good reason to stay. The reason to stay in a case like this would need to be huge, drastic, miraculous change.
 


I couldn’t agree with this more.  I don’t think anyone can answer your question for you, but the fact that this is the second time - and that he is clearly still having issues coming clean (the trickle truth) would be deal breakers for me.  

He’s already hurt you like this before, so he can’t say he didn’t realize how painful it would be.  So without him doing something MONUMENTALLY different this time - intensive therapy, huge boundaries, etc.  I would say he can’t be considered a safe partner.  He’s not ready, it seems, to be honest with himself (much less you) about what is causing him to betray someone he says he loves and has stood by him. 

That being said, everyone here knows this is not a decision made easily or lightly - so whatever choice you make, realize there are people here who will not judge you.  

Be as selfish as you can possibly be (he was) and take all the time you need to make the right decision for YOU.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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