I honestly thought for a quite a while, that trust would not be possible after my wife's affair. Therapy helped, it helped me to basically get a better understanding of it. My thought was "I don't trust her at all, I can't trust anything she says, anything she does, etc.". I'll never forget what the therapist told me. She said "There are different kinds, and different levels of trust. When you go to sleep at night, you trust that she won't kill you in your sleep, right? You trust that she will take care of your children, right?" I said yeah, BUT THATS ABOUT IT! We've all been there. It helped me realize that, even though the trust had been severely damaged, there was at least a tiny bit still left. That gave me hope, because I knew I could never stay long term without trust. It's been a little over a year, and I would say there is growing trust. The two keys to that for me, are Time, and Action.
Action - In the early days I kept tabs on her like she was a convict on parole. Every time she went anywhere, I got texts when she left, when she arrived, when she left to go home. And when she got home. I also FULLY utilized the Find Friends app. This requirement for her from me didn't last too long. Maybe a couple of months. As I relaxed my control, somewhat because she earned it, somewhat because I began to realize if she wanted to do something, she would find a way anyway. She knows most of my triggers. I travel quite a bit for work, and when I'm gone it's hard. That is when she would see her AP. If I'm out of town, she still tells me where she is going. Not because I require it anymore, but because I "she wants" me to feel safe. It had much more value to me, when I didn't require it.
Time - As stated above. It takes time, A LOT of time. It takes a lot more time than I wish it did. I agree that there most likely will always be that "gremlin" in my head that will come out from time to time. I guess there is no way around that. When I get triggered now, I can control it better. I can recognize it, feel it, and let it go, and move on to something else (well, most of the time).
The Find Friends app, does have draw backs. I don't look at it often anymore, due to the flaws. If I look and it can't find her, my mind goes straight to "she has turned off her GPS, where the hell is she!". In the early days, when that would happen, I would FaceTime her to make sure where she was. It's a double edged sword, I felt like it was making me crazy, so I try not look too often.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....