neslon
https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/Samuel/i-can%E2%80%99t-make-you-not-have-an-affair

I'm trying to figure out what trust is on the flip side of the affair.  We had a bit of gaslighting which means I need to learn to trust myself again.

Trusting my husband is a internal battle.  I get the link above has some points to it but it seems like a negative way to trust.  Can anyone help wrap my head around this in more of a positive way?

I can trust most days that the affair is over.  It's the moments where I'm triggered and right back to dday that I have doubts.  I do use the "find my friend" app and use it daily.  Some days are better than others.  It frustrates my husband since the app has some flaws...at times it can't find him or shows him in a different place.  I have verified and trust him on these times as I was able to verify or knew where he was.  His frustration is that it's flawed data sometimes and he doesn't want it to send me into the rabbit hole.  

I look at the cell phone bill about once a month or maybe not even but I've rationalized this to - If he wanted to hide phone calls it's easy through apps or office phones or about a million other ways.

I know that he doesn't want to lie to himself or damage our family any more than what has already happened.  Sometimes these thoughts get me through.  

Anyone have strategies that have been working or thoughts?
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Hope4Healing
The BEST advice I could ever give you is one word: time. There is no app, or magic potion or anything else that will enable you to restore your trust in him. It's him not having a problem with you knowing where he is at all times and not lying even about little things. One day you'll realize it's been five weeks since you checked that phone bill, then two months, then four. It won't be something you intentionally do, you'll just realize that it consumes less and less of your thoughts. And even in that, you'll be encouraged and it will just help you move forward even more. Honestly, I'm not sure there will ever be a day that little nagging thoughts won't creep in, it's how much your willing to give to them when they do that lets you know you're actually healing and beginning to trust again. And that comes with time.
Hope4Healing
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Keepabuzz
I honestly thought for a quite a while, that trust would not be possible after my wife's affair. Therapy helped, it helped me to basically get a better understanding of it. My thought was "I don't trust her at all, I can't trust anything she says, anything she does, etc.". I'll never forget what the therapist told me. She said "There are different kinds, and different levels of trust. When you go to sleep at night, you trust that she won't kill you in your sleep, right? You trust that she will take care of your children, right?" I said yeah, BUT THATS ABOUT IT! We've all been there. It helped me realize that, even though the trust had been severely damaged, there was at least a tiny bit still left. That gave me hope, because I knew I could never stay long term without trust. It's been a little over a year, and I would say there is growing trust. The two keys to that for me, are Time, and Action.

Action - In the early days I kept tabs on her like she was a convict on parole. Every time she went anywhere, I got texts when she left, when she arrived, when she left to go home. And when she got home. I also FULLY utilized the Find Friends app. This requirement for her from me didn't last too long. Maybe a couple of months. As I relaxed my control, somewhat because she earned it, somewhat because I began to realize if she wanted to do something, she would find a way anyway. She knows most of my triggers. I travel quite a bit for work, and when I'm gone it's hard. That is when she would see her AP. If I'm out of town, she still tells me where she is going. Not because I require it anymore, but because I "she wants" me to feel safe. It had much more value to me, when I didn't require it.

Time - As stated above. It takes time, A LOT of time. It takes a lot more time than I wish it did. I agree that there most likely will always be that "gremlin" in my head that will come out from time to time. I guess there is no way around that. When I get triggered now, I can control it better. I can recognize it, feel it, and let it go, and move on to something else (well, most of the time).


The Find Friends app, does have draw backs. I don't look at it often anymore, due to the flaws. If I look and it can't find her, my mind goes straight to "she has turned off her GPS, where the hell is she!". In the early days, when that would happen, I would FaceTime her to make sure where she was. It's a double edged sword, I felt like it was making me crazy, so I try not look too often.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Heidi
In the early days I found it easier to swing things around to think about what I could trust. And like so many things, I discovered that the person I needed to trust was myself. Agreeing to reconcile is a leap of faith, and even worse it's a leap of faith taken with somebody who tried to bring you down before. But I discovered that if I could trust myself, then I could take that leap.

I trusted myself that if the worst happened and he cheated again, I'd be okay.

I trusted myself that it was okay to take a risk. Even if all the odds were against me.

I learned to trust my gut instincts again. And now if something doesn't seem right, I speak up loudly.

The trust in my husband is slowly coming back. It will never be the blind trust I had before. It's a more knowing, wary trust. I don't believe he will cheat again, but if he does, I'll be okay. And somehow that's enough for me.
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Fionarob
Trust is something you cannot force and I think many of us BS are so desperate to feel that sense of trust again that we focus on it too much, I know I did.  I just wanted to experience that feeling again of having no doubts, no suspicions, not questioning the little things, my head not being ruled by doubt and anxiety. 

Unfortunately the only person who can make you trust again is the WS.  You cannot force yourself to trust them if really, deep down you don't.  You can try to act in ways that gives them a bit of trust (eg. not using GPS apps or checking up on them) but if the feeling of mistrust is there you can't make it go away.  When the WS shows plenty of trustworthy behaviour over a long period of time then I believe trust will gradually return in a natural way.  But it has to be earned.

It's a bit like respect.  You naturally respect people who treat you well.  If they miss-treat you then you lose respect for them.  If they start proving to you that they have changed and they continually treat you well, then your respect for them will grow again.  It's not something you can control - it is dependent on their behaviour and actions. 

Obviously we all WANT to trust our WS again, otherwise it would be pointless reconciling.  But wanting to trust and feeling that you do trust are two different things.  It will come with time if the trustworthy behaviour is there.  I never reached that point with my WS because he never made an effort towards trustworthy behaviour.  We are now separated, but if we had stayed together I don't know if I would ever trust him 100% again.  I would have treated him as if I did, but deep down I think a tiny part of me wouldn't have trusted him.  And then it makes me wonder can we ever really trust anyone 100%??  A very pessimistic view I suppose, but as a BS I have come to realise that you really don't know what people are going to do!
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Keepabuzz
I agree, I will never have that blind trust again. That is gone if I stay with her or with someone new. It may be pessimistic, but I can only truly trust myself. That's it. As Heidi said, I had to keep know that I will be ok, no matter what happens. I know that now. If she cheats again, she will be gone, and out of my life. But I will be ok. That is very powerful.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Wc59
I certainly don't have blind trust anymore. I think it's an inevitable result of what happened and the fact that as much as I would not rather not have to be this way I have to protect myself. Time has also been a big factor. In the beginning I was hyper vigilant about the phone, computer, etc. Now after almost 2 years, I don't monitor anything, I feel I've done my best with our relationship and if something were to happen again, I know the route I will take and am confident that I will be fine. Yes, that is a very powerful feeling.
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neslon
I talked about trust with my IC yesterday and she discussed how trust has many levels.  It's a feeling yet it's logical also.  As we discussed it - I think my logical trust will be the first to return.  I can logic out things as I start to get that anxious feeling unless things are coming too fast or from too many directions.  My kids asking," where's dad?" or "Is dad coming home?" is a trigger for me.

I described it to my husband this morning as playing an electronic version of the game whack-a-mole.  My background is blue and the nagging thoughts are yellow moles crossing over the screen.  On a good day I can kill most of the moles myself and keep the background nice and blue.  On a day where I don't hear from him often during the day or Find Friends isn't working well or I just have a triggery day -  I can't catch all the moles and the background turns green.  
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