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Joe
Unfortunately I was the one doing all of the healing and D-Day #2 was July of this year. 

This should have read:

Unfortunately I was the one doing all of the healing as D-Day #2 was July of this year. 
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Keepabuzz
Oh man. That is rough, I'm so sorry. Is she in IC?
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Joe
Yes she is.  She lied in counseling the entire time before D-Day2.  So far I trust she is being truthful but there is that doubt.  I was here under another name last year.  I deleted the account as I thought I was done, silly me.  I guess I'll have to go back and reintroduce myself and update my story.

http://community.affairhealing.com/post/show_single_post?pid=1288139805&postcount=120&forum=434932

I don't mean to derail the thread as I also am interested in the differences between the male and female BS.

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Keepabuzz
I'm known for going off on a tangent as well, no worries. We went to MC once right as her affair started (I was in the dark the whole time). She lied through her teeth as well. My wife, as I would guess all WS do, had a really tough time with my complete and utter lack of trust after she came clean on d-day. I told her that I could imagine how hard it must be, as it would be terribly difficult for me to know she didn't believe a word I said about anything. Integrity is of the utmost importance to me, so for someone, especially my wife to look at me, and I to know that she sees no integrity in me, would be extremely difficult. Trust is coming back now 15 months out, I don't 100% trust her. I'm sure I never will. But I won't 100% blindly trust anyone again, that fairytale is gone. I would call it guarded trust. I guess. I still get triggered when she does somethings, or says something's. I have to remind myself, like literally say in my own head "you aren't there anymore, is this real, or is this just triggering old hurt?". That helps bring me back. I trust, but verify, the verify does get less and less.

I have forgiven her, but she says she can never forgive herself. For a long time is was fine with that, because she "shouldn't", she doesn't deserve forgiveness, not from me or herself. But I forgave her anyway, if I hadn't, I would never have peace for me. The marriage would never survive, much less flourish. The same goes for her, if she can't forgive herself at some point, it will be a road block to her peace, and will greatly hinder our marriage.

My wife went to IC as well after d-day, I would ask her what she talked about, making sure she knew she didn't have to tell me anything if she didn't want to. She discussed somethings, that helped me to start to believe she wasn't going just because I told her to, and that there was progress being made. I wish you luck.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Joe
I can relate to a lot of what you are going through, especially when it was my D-Day#1.  
It really pains me to think of all the progress I made with forgiveness, trust, love and all of that only to have it shattered and to have to start over picking up the pieces.  Only this time the pieces are a lot smaller and harder to put together.

I love reading success stories as it gives me motivation to continue and it was very cool to see you post "Today is a good day" in another thread.
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Pjthepk
I am also interested to know how other men have dealt with the sense of betrayal and disrespect after their wife having an affair. We are 8 months after D-day and doing pretty well.  My wife has pretty much done all things well since that day - I couldn't really ask her to do anything more that she already is. (Total honesty, openness, full disclosure, fully accountable with phone, time, etc., humility, patience... the wife of my dreams - except for that whole "I had an affair" thing.)

I love her, have forgiven her (still working through the process of forgiveness to reach the state of forgiveness), enjoy my time with her, etc. but there is this nagging, dull pain of knowing what she did and feeling the betrayal and disrespect.  I have what I call a "low-grade depression".  Not debilitating, but always there under the surface.  We have fun and laugh; talk a LOT and cry a LOT; we are actively rebuilding our relationship.

So my question is... what have other men done to get past the hurt and rebuild the marriage to a point where you fully "feel love" for your WS again?
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Keepabuzz
Pjthepk wrote:
(still working through the process of forgiveness to reach the state of forgiveness)


Wow, I have never heard put like that. I LOVE that quote!

The story you typed, is exactly mine. It's like I typed it myself. I'm the betrayed husband, like you. I'm just farther down the same road you are on. We are 14 months out from D-day. I had the exact same feelings as you, still do during my bad moments.

I REALLY struggled with the betrayal, and disrespect. I wrestled with my own integrity and self respect. Integrity is key to who I am as a man. I really felt like I was sacrificing my self respect, and my integrity by staying. By wrestled, I mean MONTHS AND MONTHS! I thought, "what would I say to myself, if I was not me?" I knew what I would have said before "I" was in this awful place. I would have said, "drop her like a bad habit, period", and I actually HAVE given that exact advise to others in the past. To include my own Mother. So that is what that little voice in the back of mind head was constantly saying to me. "How can you stay after what she did? You're weak. What happened to the guy you used to be". It was tough. I knew I was making the right decision for my kids, as long as I could work to heal. But wasn't sure about the decision for ME.

Like you, I had forgiven her after 5-6 months. But I still couldn't reconcile staying and having any self respect. I talked to my mom about it, (the one I advised to drop her husband like a bad habit 10 years prior). I told her "I always said, if you ever cheat, I'm gone, period. How do I not live by word, and keep my self respect?" She told me this "If you told one of your daughters that you would take her to the mall on Saturday, you would do it. Even if you didn't feel like it, even if you were sick, you would still do it because you said you would, right?" I'm thinking she is backing my thought process (wrong). She then said "What if the mall burned down? Would you still take her?" I said "Well no, the mall burned down". She said "See, the circumstance that were in place when you made that promise, are now different. So now you don't take her to the mall, but that doesn't mean you didn't keep your word. The reality CHANGED." Dang, she's a smart woman.

You didn't mention what progress your wife has made to figure out why she had an affair. That was a "have to" for me. I had to know why! I had to know what was wrong with her, that made her think that decision was ok. I had to KNOW that she had received the necessary help she needed to fix herself. My wife was sexual molested as a young girl, her parents swept it under the rug, and it was never dealt with. These are the issues that tanked our marriage. But she has dealt with them now.

Like your wife, she is the woman of my dreams now. She is back to the woman that I married 15 years ago, actually. better.

I had to get to where I could tell my own story, that took a long time. Her affair had NOT ONE THING to do with ANY inadequecies that I have or had. It was 100% HER issues. It doesn't say one thing negative about me. I WAS a good husband for many years until she beat me into the ground. I failed by not forcing her to get help. I felt shame for SO long for staying. I don't now. I did NOTHING wrong.

I do feel love for her again, she was terribly broken for many years, and now she is better. She still has her shame and guilt to deal with for what she did to me and our children. But the issues that drove her to her affair have been dealt with. She is WELL aware that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and is very appreciative that I'm still here EVERYDAY, she doesn't just say it. She shows it with her actions.

If I could give some short advice after the long above. Let her own her affair, because it IS hers. It says nothing about you. Don't let your ego keep you from happiness like mine did for SO long.

I still work everyday to get to the "state of forgiveness" that you mentioned above. Love that, that really captures it.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Pjthepk
Keepabuzz,

It is interesting how parallel our stories are.

My wife was also sexually molested as a child by a brother.  She didn't tell me until after she confessed her affair.  She has dug deep to understand the "why" and we have identified multiple contributors and continue to talk about it.  It has been important for me to know that she is dealing with the why even if I never fully understand it.  She became a different person for a 3 year period and was trapped in her deception and fog.  She is hurting as well and I know that.

Also, your mother is a genius - great advice from her.  I kinda feel like my mall did burn down and I have a changed reality. 

Were there any specific or intentional things that you have done to rebuild your feelings of love and romance toward your wife or has that just come with time?

I have a bit of a fear that over time the sense of betrayal will take root and I will end up married to a woman I love but don't have feelings of love for because they are shadowed by the realization and weight of what she did.


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Keepabuzz
Pjthepk wrote:
Keepabuzz,

It is interesting how parallel our stories are.

My wife was also sexually molested as a child by a brother.  She didn't tell me until after she confessed her affair.  She has dug deep to understand the "why" and we have identified multiple contributors and continue to talk about it.  It has been important for me to know that she is dealing with the why even if I never fully understand it.  She became a different person for a 3 year period and was trapped in her deception and fog.  She is hurting as well and I know that.

Also, your mother is a genius - great advice from her.  I kinda feel like my mall did burn down and I have a changed reality. 

Were there any specific or intentional things that you have done to rebuild your feelings of love and romance toward your wife or has that just come with time?

I have a bit of a fear that over time the sense of betrayal will take root and I will end up married to a woman I love but don't have feelings of love for because they are shadowed by the realization and weight of what she did.




I was honestly just staying married for my kids for a couple of years before her affair. She had been depressed for so many years. She slept all the time. Didn't cook (SAHM). Everything she didn't "feel" like doing was left for me, even though I worked full time and then some. The resentment that built up in me was enormous. I had decided I would just stay, and deal with it for the sake of my kids. I had many opportunities to cheat since I travel for work regularly, but no matter how down, or mad, or done I was, I never did it.

She came to me right after her affair started (although I had no idea), and she said she thought maybe we should see other people, and just live together for the kids and live separate lives. She assured me that there was no one else. Bulls***!! Although like a big dummy, I believed her. I made it abundantly clear I was not interested in that, and that if she didn't agree then "right there is the door, it's out only!" It would have been SO much easier if she had been honest right then, but of course she was not. BUT, I'm 100% certain that we would be divorced today if she had been. I was so done with her.

Here is where the story takes a turn. I laid my head on the pillow that night, but never slept. I thought all night about what to do. I decided to forgive her, not for the affair because I had NO IDEA it was happening! I forgave her for ALL those years of her treating me badly, not getting help for her issues, not being the wife she should have been (that I deserved), for not being the mother that our kids deserve. I forgave it all in an instant, it was pretty dang amazing, since I'm not the most forgiving guy around. But I did it, I did it because I figured this is my last chance to try to save my marriage and get back to happy. Happy that had been gone for so many years.

We went to MC once, she lied through her teeth. I did everything I could to make her life easy. I did it all with a smile on my face. She worked a minimum wage job she had just started (where she met her AP), and worked full time, and did EVERYTHING else. She treated me even worse, but I kept my head to the grind stone. I bought her expensive gifts, took her on trips, breakfasts in bed, flowers at work (wow do I regret that), I did everything possible to fix everything. All the while she was having her affair.

Once I forgave her for all those years before, those loving feelings came back. I was really IN love with her, all the while she gaslighted me, and cheated. Looking back it was without a doubt mental and emotional abuse.

I kept at it for 5 months, and then I gave up. I just gave up. I said to myself "it is what it is, just enjoy your kids". I later found out, that is when she ended her affair. She knew I was done, and she had realized what she was in all likelihood lose either way. If she told me or she didn't.

She ended her affair and poured herself completely into our marriage. It was so foreign to me, I would ask her what was wrong. She was going to try to bury it and never tell me. She tried for a month or so, until she realized she couldn't. She realized that if she didn't come clean, we had zero chance of ever being happy. I just "knew" "something" was off the whole time, even after her affair was over. She decided that if we were to have a chance at all, she had to come clean. So, she did.

The tough part for me, was I loved her, I was in love with her. She had given me a taste of what our marriage could be in that month and a half between her ending her affair and coming clean to me. For quite a while all I had was rage, and I had a ton of it. I masked all the hurt that I couldn't face, but under all that, I loved her.

I had to deal with and get through all the rage, then deal with and get through "some" of the pain before I could feel those loving feelings for her. But I think they were there the whole time, just covered in a big pile of rage, and hurt.

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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