Freewill76
Hi all
Around the 7th week mark now and what a rollercoaster ride. My husband of 22 just walked out didn't love me and that's that!
He has become a different person, a real narcissist (to be blunt) towards me( which is to be expected from what I've read) But my real question to anyone who could give me advise is what about the kids? His behaviour is unbelievable, I'm actually left shocked with the way he is treating them as he was a good father . He has cut all contact off until after financial settlement is done ???
Really not sure what can be done. I have tried so hard to arrange things so he can see her but nothing ?
Older 3 girls don't want to know him anymore after numerous phone calls and being hung up on?? Our 6 year old is struggling, I'm really not sure how to handle this situation other than being there for our kids and telling them he loves them still, he's just in a bad place right now( which he brought on himself)
Is this normal behaviour from a WS??
Or am I just the unlucky one with a WS like this ??
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surviving
Freewill76 - My advice is to not chase him.  Leave the getting together with you or the children in his court.  When there is no contact, he will come around.  He will realize what he is missing.  At least that is the case with us and just about everyone I read on here and other blogs.  He is in the affair fog.  He can't make a decision about you or the children until he comes out of that fog.  It is hard for you and the children, but HE made the choice.  He screwed up (literally).  It will take awhile, but I would leave it up to him.

I just read Kalmarjan's comment on "In Limbo."  Please read that, it verifies what I just wrote you.
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TimT
Freewill76 wrote:
...But my real question to anyone who could give me advise is what about the kids? His behaviour is unbelievable, I'm actually left shocked with the way he is treating them as he was a good father...
It is amazing how fast & far a person will move in order to minimize the conflict they experience due to their affair choices. I know this from personal experience. I, too, was a good father who loved my children deeply, but once I got involved in an affair it even surprised me how quickly I shut them out. 

I remember times when I witnessed their pain or confusion and felt NOTHING. There was enough awareness in me to realize something was different... that I should be feeling something... but I was too caught up in the intoxication of the affair to pay enough attention to the concerns that tugged at the edge of my conscience. 

Looking back, I don't think I became instantly evil; I simply became instantly self-focussed. (It's kind of like narcissism, but not the same thing. People in affairs are often given the label of Narcissism. Some of them are, but most of them are not. Narcissism remains despite circumstances, but the extreme self-focus that characterizes someone in the act of infidelity will usually dissipate once the affair has ended.)

Your husband will, most likely, return one day to his wanting to connect with your children. Unfortunately, the damage done to them and your marriage will not be easily repaired. I hope it does not take him too long.

You can probably do little to change this in him right now. In fact, the more you try to convince him that he needs to attend to his children, the more likely his shame (which you, perhaps more than anyone, can enflame right now) will cause him to cower away from them. The best thing you can do is encourage (not manipulate) your children to be honest with their father. Even if they are young, the can say things... draw things... write things... that make it clear to him that they miss him, want him, need him.

My children became the biggest motivation for me to eventually leave the affair and then, sometime after that, caused me to realize just how far off course my choices had taken me. I wrote a bit about this in Mark's Story. I hope your husband will come to his senses more quickly than I did.
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Bahar
Free well , just pray and keep praying . Your husband is possessed by his shame and guilt .
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Freewill76
Unfortunately my husband has continued down his path away from our kids. He hasn't spoken to them for nearly 6 weeks and doesn't appear to want to. He has moved his AP into our family home and told the kids it is no longer their home any more. I can't say my heart isn't broken or that I'm not feeling humiliated as we live in a small town but he has chosen what he wants in life and not The kids or I can change that. Unfortunately he is losing his girls . They have lost all respect for him and now want absolutely nothing to do with him especially now he has chosen her. He has said to them she is more important - as you can imagine they are heart broken but acting out with anger. It seems life can't much worse at the moment
I am so grateful for this forum as I really don't know how I would have coped without you all
I'm sorry we are all in thses horrible situations
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Tim2014
Freewill76. Sorry for what your dealing with!
A few weeks past there was posts about kids!
Once again here's just another example of how an affair causes wS to abandon their children for a fantasy! Can't deal with real life ! It's ashame that kids get hurt by wS more than they can ever imagine! There will come a time when he will wake up and he'll want his kids ! When they don't respond he'll realize how much Sebastian he has caused in his life ! Your wS will see how much he has hurt you and his children! You hear it time and time again how the wS compartmentalizations life like their kids don't exist! Let alone their bs!
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Dirazz
Grr!! Why would any woman want a man that would abandon his children??
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Tim2014
Why would any man that would abandon her kids!! It's happening both ways on here
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Dirazz
I was referring to Freewill76's story. We all know it goes both ways. I come from a women's point of view and I don't understand how anther women can be ok with it.
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Kalmarjan
See, this is what I don't understand. In no way did I ever abandon my child. In fact, I did everything possible to make it so my son wouldn't have that much trauma with all of this. (Okay, I had the affair, that was traumatic enough.)

I went through two divorces when I was younger. I saw first hand what it did to my mother, and I understand th confusion a child has with this event.

To me it takes an all time special low to say to your children that the AP is more important than your children. This WS has major issues, even more so than just an affair.

Imagine all of the father out there who have no choice to see their kids because of issues in divorce (I have a friend whose wife cheated on him, got custody of his child, moved across the country and he never sees that child, ever.) I can't fathom what is going in your life.

From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry you are going through this.
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Tim2014
Dirazz I understood that you were relating freewill76 post. I was just adding that it happens both ways! Yes any ap women that would be ok with abandment of kids well it speaks for itself! No child should have to deal with this nonsense!
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UrbanExplorer
Kalmarjan wrote:
See, this is what I don't understand. In no way did I ever abandon my child. In fact, I did everything possible to make it so my son wouldn't have that much trauma with all of this. (Okay, I had the affair, that was traumatic enough.)

I went through two divorces when I was younger. I saw first hand what it did to my mother, and I understand th confusion a child has with this event.

To me it takes an all time special low to say to your children that the AP is more important than your children. This WS has major issues, even more so than just an affair.

Imagine all of the father out there who have no choice to see their kids because of issues in divorce (I have a friend whose wife cheated on him, got custody of his child, moved across the country and he never sees that child, ever.) I can't fathom what is going in your life.

From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry you are going through this.


I agree. At no time have I ever thought of leaving my children. Even during my affair, I had the misguided thought that a secret romance was the only way I could stay married for the kids. I'm very sorry for everyone whose WS left the whole family.
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