SuzieQ
My WH and I are separated. My decision. I hope it is a seperation moving toward reconciliation, not divorce...but time will tell. At first we were house separated but still talking and affectionate and occasionally hanging out together, as we both want the marriage to work. He says he hasn't seen, spoken to, communicated in any way with AP since end of July. Not sure if it is true. He says he wants to be with me. I believe he is trying. I can see that he is still in the affair fog and not quite back in reality yet, but he's working his way out. He still does crazy things from time to time and says crazy things. He's super insecure and defensive. He is very self-centered and not really thinking about me yet, it's still all about him. It has become clear to me that my efforts are being wasted, as he's not in a place to truly receive or appreciate my grace. As if this weekend we moved into a full separation - business model. This includes no talking, texting, hanging out etc. We will continue to see eachother once a week at CT. We will lay eyes on one another when he comes to get the kids (3 days a week). I am determined to stick to these rules to show that I am serious about the work he needs to do.

Problem: He asked if I could please text him photos of the kids. For example if we take a trip to the museum, or on their first day of school, etc. Should I do that? I want him to remain involved with them. I'm glad he cares and will miss them. But I also think it's a natural consequence to miss out since he decided to destroy our sweet little family. I really just want to limit our interactions. I'm worried he'll see texting him photos of the kids as me reaching out or thinking about him, and I'm a little done being the one who is always reaching out...
Quote 0 0
Kalmarjan
I can't stress this enough...

NEVER ever use your kids as leverage. I know you want him to feel as if he is missing out, but using the kids on that level is just not fair to the kids. 
Quote 0 0
SuzieQ
I really don't want to. I would never! I actually agreed to his request and immediately followed through. But then was wondering today if I was being too nice. I thought the point of separating was to move on with life and show that I am ok either way. I just wondered if it was a help or a hindrance for him to know that I do think of him when he's not with us?...
Quote 0 0
TimT
SuzieQ wrote:
I really don't want to. I would never! I actually agreed to his request and immediately followed through. But then was wondering today if I was being too nice. I thought the point of separating was to move on with life and show that I am ok either way. I just wondered if it was a help or a hindrance for him to know that I do think of him when he's not with us?...

It can be tricky walking the line between relationship separation and reconnection. Normally, when a betrayed spouse isn't certain about whether or not a particular choice crosses the line, I encourage them to err on the side of maintaining boundaries. But one exception is when children are involved. In most cases, doing those things that support the parent's relationship with the children is a good choice. Regardless of outcomes, he will always be their father and it will be in their best interest to promote their connection with him.

If your husband starts taking advantage of this (by manipulating you or asking you to make more personal/intimate connections with him "for the sake of the kids"), you'll have to be clear about your limits.
Quote 0 0