sunflower07 Show full post »
Heidi
I honestly think my husband thought he could control it. I think he thought he could protect me from her by talking to her, stopping her from getting so angry she'd try to contact me or the kids again.

I had to explain to him, that in talking to her he wasn't protecting me, he was hurting me more. I told him I knew he was afraid of what she might do to me, the kids, his job. But whatever she did we would face it together. That I could cope with her nastiness, but not with continued contact.

By this time he was also heavily into IC. He was learning that he put an unhealthy emphasis on work to fulfill his needs. This, tangled with childhood issues, made it really hard for him to give up the illusion of control he had.

It took a long time and some false starts, but he did get there.
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Hope4Healing
Valntine66 wrote:
Right. I somehow think that the message that is being portrayed here is that I will tell the BS that the WS had an affair. I don't tell. The BS. I encourage the WS to confess to their BS that they strayed from their marriage. Like I said, of the 6 that I have dealt with as a pastor, 4 of them were willing to confess, 2 were not. The one that I called the BS on, there is more to that couples issues than what I have exposed here. The other couple, they're called it quits and not much more I could do. I don't tell what someone comes to me in privacy. I had a husband come to me and say that he does not love his wife and that he will file for divorce in a few months. I said nothing to the wife, nor did I lead on that the husband was seeking divorce. It eventually came out.


OK, now I understand. I guess I wasn't making myself very clear, but when you answered the last comment you answered my question. I'm glad you are not betraying people that confide in you, but instead encourage and guide them in the right direction. I think most people by the time they get to that point of confession are seeking some help and guidance, and are probably open to your counsel. Good luck to you in your journey to healing. God bless you.
Hope4Healing
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UrbanExplorer
I read somewhere, maybe on Baggage Reclaim, that simply not responding to a former partner (be it an AP or just someone you are trying to get over) doesn't solve the whole problem because even reading the messages or looking them up online works directly against healing. When I have found former AP sending me messages, my head spins about his predicament, him being alone, feeling used, etc. Reading anything is bad for me.
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sunflower07
UrbanExplorer wrote:
I read somewhere, maybe on Baggage Reclaim, that simply not responding to a former partner (be it an AP or just someone you are trying to get over) doesn't solve the whole problem because even reading the messages or looking them up online works directly against healing. When I have found former AP sending me messages, my head spins about his predicament, him being alone, feeling used, etc. Reading anything is bad for me.



That's a good point Urban and makes sense. I guess I need to stop looking at things too.

My husband disclosed the affair to his boss today. I feel this is a big step for him!! To finally acknowledge to someone what he did.

His boss is also his AP's boss. He suddenly became very afraid of what she might do in retaliation.

I know my husband had to humble himself in order to tell his boss.im grateful he has finally done this!!
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Dirazz
That is a big step Sunflower! A great one!
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Heidi
That's great news, Sunflower. One of the important things is to take away the power of the AP, and by telling his boss, your husband has taken away some leverage. He will also be able to go to his boss if she continues to harass him in the workplace. Because that's what it is - harassment.

Hoping this is the start of some wonderful things for you.
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sunflower07
Thanks so much everyone!

Heidi, I actually showed my husband some of what you wrote the other day and I think it is helping him rethink this situation. I think it might be part of the reason why he finally went to his boss.

Thanks again!
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sunflower07
So, another update. On Thursday, I thought my husband might have seen his AP. My husband and I were fighting and he said I made him feel so ashamed,vhe stopped talking and texting me for 3 hours.

I texted the APs husband who told me his wife was currently at a hotel. He was out of state with his children but he tracks her every move. I went to the hotel but by the time I got there, she had checked out. The hotel clerk told me she was there for a couple of hours.

When I got home, my husband was there. I accused him and then I made him have sex with me to prove he hadn't been with her. He is 45 so sex twice in a few short hours isn't something he is usually able to do.

The APs husband hasn't confronted his wife and after talking to him, I'm not sure he ever will. He controls and tracks her every move and every dollar she spends. He had a tracker that showed her at a dive motel but he told me he needs more physical proof of her infidelity. He says she will never confess. I believe this to be true because I believe she had NPD.

My husband has been loving and attentive and intimate with me. He told his boss about the affair. We've also had more disclosure because he knows our very best friend knows all of this. In my heart bi don't think he was with her the other night. I suspect she was with the other guy she's been seeing.

This is awful! I'm a mess. I need no contact so bad but my husband continues to cling to his job and th belief he can control her. He is hoping that her husband knowing will control her also. I know my husband is weak to her and cannot not react when she "breadcrumbs" or "Hoover's" him.

I just don't know what to do!
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Paul_J
Sunflower, I wish I had wisdom to share with you. Being so new to all of this myself, I have none. I am reading your words, and understanding your agony all too well...I'm so sorry for all you went through Thursday evening. I am, and will continue to pray for you. When I pray about my own situation these past few days, I yield it all, and all of my thoughts, to God. As I do, I am reminded of every step of progress my WS has made...they are sometimes small...sometimes 2 steps forward followed by 3 backward...but sometimes 3 forward followed by none backward...I am asking God to help me focus on the forward steps, not the backward ones...and I ask Him to show me how to be the husband He needs me to be for my wife right now...understanding that may change later tomorrow, or even later today. I am trying to trust my emotions less an less, and focus on what I know and see and believe to be true.
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Dirazz
That's exactly what you have to do Paul. Focus on what you know not what you feel. Sunflower leaving his job was the number one thing that had to happen after I found out. He went to HR the next day after DD and told them the truth of why he had to quit effective immediately!
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sunflower07
Well, after almost 10 months of misery since DDay, my husband is finally giving me total transparency.

It's taken him this long to realize the depth of my hurt. It's also taken him 10 months to realize that the reason I don't trust him is his issue, not mine!!!!

I feel like we might finally be getting over a major hump!!!!
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Guiltguilt
Fantastic, Sunflower. Hopefully it's all upward from here.
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Paul_J
That is AWESOME, I am so happy for you Sunflower, and your husband...prayers being answered! :-)
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Negarcia
Sunflower that is super amazing. Whoo hoo I'm celebrating for you. Sending you huge hugs!
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