DorothyJane7 Show full post »
Keepabuzz
My wife is pushing me to do things for me. Like hobbies I used to enjoy. I just don’t anymore. I also feel like I am just “floating around”, “going through the motions” of life. Like I’m not really living, more like just existing. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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DorothyJane7
I can identify so completely with all of your descriptions. Yes and yes, unfortunately. 

Lately I have days where I believe that I must grow from all of this. I must see purpose to the suffering. I must become a better me because of what I've gone through. I think I'm more compassionate, all around. I see less black and white and more gray area when I look through the window into peoples' lives. I enjoy my children in a different way now. I might value love a little more, in general. 

Maybe our trouble at this stage is really a catalyst for growth and we fight it and don't recognize it sometimes. It sure as heck looks like sorrow and pain more than anything, but maybe it's not really that anymore. Maybe it's a place to grow. 

Do I sound too much like Dr. Phil or Dear Abby here. lol
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Damaged
I’ve also described this as “ My pretend Life” that I’m “ floating around in “. That has improved but I really don’t know what to expect.       BS - 17 months, 27 year marriage. 
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Allthatremains
Again amazing how we are all so similar! How many BSs have shared our 'fog' with your WSs? Just wondering if you have shared this feeling of floating through life, dodging triggers and wondering if you will ever be the same or love your spouse the same? Sometimes I think I should and sometimes I think this painful journey is mine and I am alone in it.

Urban Explorer have you done enough to untether yourself from your AP to allow the love you may still have for your spouse rise to the surface? If you haven't you might want to figure that out before you hurt them any further.
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arizons
Keepabuzz wrote:
If my wife had ever voiced a desire to “give up”, I would have (and still will) shown her right where there door was, and escorted her to the street.  I’m 2.5 years out, and still have thought about it multiple times a day, not fully triggered. I have strong triggers a few times a week. 

I am 14 months since Dday and my husband and I are finding more happiness now than bad moments. I still think about the affair at least once a day but it isn't the same trigger anymore...and it passes fast.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Allthatremains
arizons wrote:

I am 14 months since Dday and my husband and I are finding more happiness now than bad moments. I still think about the affair at least once a day but it isn't the same trigger anymore...and it passes fast.


i am about the same timing as you and we have definitely found more happiness. Does your husband know you still think about it every day? I have bad moments where I get sad or have thoughts about unanswered questions but I go through these moments alone. Do you share the low times with your husband? I would imagine my WS maybe thinks about the affair once a week at most and probably only when triggered by something on tv or something I do. I have hoped he would share more so I know how he is going in discovering what led him to an affair.
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arizons
Allthatremains wrote:


i am about the same timing as you and we have definitely found more happiness. Does your husband know you still think about it every day? I have bad moments where I get sad or have thoughts about unanswered questions but I go through these moments alone. Do you share the low times with your husband? I would imagine my WS maybe thinks about the affair once a week at most and probably only when triggered by something on tv or something I do. I have hoped he would share more so I know how he is going in discovering what led him to an affair.

No, I for the most part go through these moments alone. a few weeks ago we both had a trigger when a piece of mail in the ex-AP name got delivered. My WS took it way worse then me. I just stuck it in the shredder and was done with it. He started yelling at me...at which point I yelled back at him, "Look...your the one it got involved with that witch! not me!" One thing that did actually make me happy is that he refereed to her as a B**CH.  Which at least shows me he is seeing and thinking more clear and is actually committed to our marriage. But beyond that last moment which was more of a trigger for him than me...we really don't talk about it or that evil beast of a woman...but yes, I have a lot of alone moments.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Trinity
Keepabuzz wrote:

I am just trying to learn to live with it. This is my new reality, one I never wanted, one I certainly never chose.


This one is very hard for me to digest.  I too feel like my reality has been altered by selfish jerks.  I had ZERO say in it but, nonetheless it is ME who has to "deal with it".  I have to deal with ALL of it and within all that, I have to try not to get triggered or bring up the "cheating" or my WS will get upset.  

I read that a piano has over 18 tons of pressure within its strings.   Yeah, that's all I got.  😉

"T"  
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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MITM
DorothyJane7 wrote:
Now 16 months out really, I'm much more positive, hopeful, and go about my life with positivity.  But sometimes I hit the concrete again. Triggers must pile up or life is just hard, I'm not sure. It just happens and I'm back at, "Is this the love I have?" despair. I'd like to say it's rare, but honestly, it's about twice a month that it's bad. We both end up upset, crying, lashing out, and feeling helpless and hopeless. Twice a month. Is that awful for this point in the game?

My husband would describe me as "back at square one" in these moments. He's discouraged then. He talks about giving up and not being able to keep re-living this.

What I hear is him saying, "I give up!" Funny that I never say that myself.

I know that makes him look bad, probably. Truth is, he's putting out a lot of effort, all this time, to make me feel loved. He's almost perfect as a husband and father. He's a hard worker and a giver in all instances. 

What have we done: Periodic marriage counseling sessions, regular date nights, etc.
What I'm doing: On anxiety meds, exercising as much as I can fit in, planning things to look forward to and make me happier, and journaling my crappy feelings.

My question is ...Is there something different I need to be doing at this stage of the game? I feel like a plateau has it. It's not sustainable forever to be like this.


BS, 16 months post-d-day
Husband had six month love affair with a co-worker. No contact after discovery. Trickle truth for a few months. 
Three young children. Married 12 years

Hey DorothyJane. Given what was done to your life, I'm actually surprised at how well you're doing if you only have 2 days a month when your hurt comes crashing in on you. But here's the thing: These are your feelings - they're completely valid and normal. In my view there certainly is not anything more you should be doing. It's up to the WS to make the running, I think.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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