A couple thoughts:
1. Leaving that text message there is a mistake. It's like a constant itch that wants to be scratched. If you aren't ready to delete it altogether, consider taking a picture of it and then putting the picture in a file on your computer or somewhere you won't see it unless you go looking for it. I had copies of some of the text/emails that the AP sent my husband after DD and while he had deleted them, I was still trying to understand her thought processes and wanted to mull her choice of words. So I did something like what I am suggesting to you - and then as I became ready to let go of it, I deleted them. But being out of sight meant I thought about it a LOT less. 2. Let's take the most difficult case scenario and play it through to its logical end. While there is a lot of evidence that he's full of crap, maybe he's telling the truth. So let's say for arguments sake that he does, in fact, love you both. There are people who feel that they are quite capable of loving more than one person romantically (it is the basis of polyamory.) So let's say it's true. That still leaves you in a scenario with a man who a) doesn't want to be, or isn't capable of being, in a monogamous relationship (you mentioned that this is NOT his first affair and I doubt it will be his last.) Are you okay with that? If his spouse called you tomorrow and said that they had decided to have an open marriage and you could have him 1/2 of his free time (separate from family time with their kid)... would that really be enough for you? In addition, just because he loves you doesn't mean it is a (for you or him.) Does it build you up? Does it make you feel peaceful and good about yourself? When push comes to shove is he going to put you first? He actions don't suggest so. That he would have put you in the position he did after knowing what you'd been through makes me think that if he does love you - it is not a kind or giving love. Not the kind where you want more for them the you do for yourself. healthy love Add to that, that he was willing to make you a party to dishonesty - that is not a component of healthy love. I would never dream of asking someone I love to do something that I knew was against their morals. I could not be that selfish knowing that they would suffer internally for that decision. Do you WANT to love a man who puts his needs consistently before your own? Didn't you already do that before? You deserve more. I know about this first hand. My first love was intense. He loved me deeply and I was insane about him. But I thank God regularly that we didn't stay together. He had issues with substance abuse, the law and in later relationships - issues with being faithful for more than a year or two. It wasn't because he didn't love his partner - it was because he used attention (and alcohol and cocaine) to fill a black hole inside himself. He was charismatic, charming, loving and kind. But he was so broken he'd have made my life an exciting disaster. 3. I think you are going through the VERY NORMAL stages of the end of any relationship. I have felt this way even when I was the one who wanted to break-up. Because even if you know the person isn't right for you, there is still a loss. Learn to be happy alone. When you get there, you will invariably meet the perfect person for you. I've seen it happen over and over. I will have a friend who's obsessed with an ex - or the pursuit of someone new. They drive themselves crazy trying to find Mr./Ms. Right - and when they finally decide they are over the search - that maybe they will just relax and enjoy their life and their friends on their own.. along comes the ONE. It's like God waits to see that you've realized that you are enough FIRST, so you don't use another person to gauge your worth anymore. Just my two cents.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl