wareagle
I have had very little contact with my wife, only texts since January.  Our daughter got a speeding ticket months ago when my wife was still in the state.  She got another one a few months later.  Today my wife texted me about the status of the first ticket.  I told her I paid the 2 ticket and we were still waiting on a court date of the first because we asked for a jury trial (she knew that).  My wife made a big deal saying she did not know about the 2nd ticket.  I thought that either my daughter or myself had told her.  I made the decision to not continue to respond to her texts because she was trying to draw me into an argument.  Over 2 hours later I get another text that said "Thanks".  I said, For What? She said, "For telling me LAST about our daughter's ticket.  My wife just needs to argue with me.  I guess to justify her actions.  I told her I am not gonna talk about this anymore.  She texted me back and said of course you are not. I am ready to get this over.  That was so hurtful.  It just is a kick in the stomach.  My daughter read the text before I did because I was out of the room and she picked up my phone.  My daughter text her and told her that She is so upset that her  parents are not together anymore and this could have been fixed.  My wife tells her that she is never going to let her forget what she did but that I was not completely innocent.  I have never done anything.  I have been faithful.  I did go to dinner with a woman but that was after my wife moved out and had told me it was over, she didn't love me anymore and that she was never coming back.  I want this to be over too but not in the same way that she wants it to be over.  As my daughter told her, You have changed so much in the last year.  I just want my mom back.
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Fionarob
Marvik86
Your last line in your post - it is so sad.  As if an affair isn't devastating enough....having to watch your children in this pain because of a choice your wife has made, it just makes me so sad, my heart goes out to you in what must be such a difficult time.

As for the part where you say "my wife needs to argue with me" I can totally relate to that.  My husband was the same, he would pick little fights with me over something l had said or done, making them out to be much worse and he would keep going and going until it turned into a full blown argument.  I am not a hot-headed person, I can stay calm in most situations, and I think he couldn't stand it.  He wanted to push me to a point of arguing with him so that he could then say "I don't want to live my life like this, arguing every week..."  Or "if you can't get over the affair then I might as well leave." 

He was very manipulative - I don't know if he did it on purpose, or it was his shame and guilt needing to put me in a bad place, so he felt more justified in his affair.  It's like, if they can find the smallest flaw or mistake in you, they make it ten times bigger so that they don't feel like the bad guy, they make you into the bad guy instead. 

I saw a quote the other day that just about sums it up..."In stories, the villain hurts people, refuses to take responsibility, then positions themselves as the victim.  It's true in life too."

The sad fact is that the "villain" usually has so much going on in themselves that it is causing them to do this - and it's that 'stuff' in themselves that needs sorting before anything else can happen.  Clearly your wife needs help, but if she is not seeking it out herself then where does it leave you?  Very frustrated.  Your poor daughter just wants her mom back - how does your wife respond to that?  I hope your wife can get some help and clarity from somewhere, or it seems she could remain 'lost' for some time.  The hardest part is realising you have no control over that.
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wareagle
The excuse my wife gave my daughter that made me "not totally innocent in this situation" was that when my daughter would not listen we would argue.  My said that she did not know if she should believe her husband or her daughter.  My daughter told her that 5 minutes after she argued with me we were hugging and made up.  But when my wife would get mad at her she would be mad for days.  This excuse is one that I haven't heard yet.  Then today my wife texted me and wanted to know why I told my daughter what she said.  Well I didn't tell her.  I was watching home videos in her bedroom with her and I got up and left the room.  My wife sent her text and my daughter read the text when it popped up.  My wife has to start things to justify what she has done.  
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