Kelaine53 Show full post »
hurting
We didn’t exchange cards, but spent the day together... went out to dinner etc. he did wish me a happy Valentine’s Day a few times.

i’m glad we don’t use Facebook any more.

i was sad throughout the day intermittently but it wasn’t too terrible... I guess we treated the day more like an opportunity to spend time together than any other special day of the year. 

I think your acknowledgment is probably the best thing to put into a card right now... that in itelf would mean quite a lot. I’m only 3 month’s post D-day but I know that’s what my WS wants me to see the most. That he’s changing. It’s too early for me to believe the changes and I need more time to do so... he knows this. But you have had time and you do see it- I’m sure your WS would appreciate the acknowledgement.
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BrokenHearted
I made my WS a card, and wrote things in there that may make him uncomfortable, but it's how I feel. He gave me a card last night... "it's been a rough year, but through it all, I never stopped loving you...im lucky to have you as my wife." Can someone explain to me how someone can love you deeply (as he has been saying all along, even during his afair) and still have an affair and betray me like he has? I am still struggling to understand this.

My second Dday (for the same affair) is coming up on the 24th. It's the day I named the elephant in the room and believed I would leave him. He believed it too, and was remorseful from that point on. I'm not sure I can handle that day. I think back to last year on Valentine's day.... I surprised him at work with a handmade card, and his favorite treats. All the things he told me then about how he loved me etc....only to have my heart ripped out again 10 days later. Yet still he says he never stopped loving me. I'm so confused and struggling right now. To put it lightly, this sucks.
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GingerHoneyBunny
BrokenHearted wrote:
I made my WS a card, and wrote things in there that may make him uncomfortable, but it's how I feel. He gave me a card last night... "it's been a rough year, but through it all, I never stopped loving you...im lucky to have you as my wife." Can someone explain to me how someone can love you deeply (as he has been saying all along, even during his afair) and still have an affair and betray me like he has? I am still struggling to understand this.

My second Dday (for the same affair) is coming up on the 24th. It's the day I named the elephant in the room and believed I would leave him. He believed it too, and was remorseful from that point on. I'm not sure I can handle that day. I think back to last year on Valentine's day.... I surprised him at work with a handmade card, and his favorite treats. All the things he told me then about how he loved me etc....only to have my heart ripped out again 10 days later. Yet still he says he never stopped loving me. I'm so confused and struggling right now. To put it lightly, this sucks.


If he's truly remorseful and owning up, then he's probably feeling guilty as hell. I know very well its pointless to figure out what's going on in their heads. And it just hurts more trying to understand but then we can't stop thinking about it either. Maybe they can compartmentalize . Or as my wife put it, I'll know when i face my own temptations and get into one affair myself. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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Trinity
GingerHoneyBunny wrote:


 Or as my wife put it, I'll know when i face my own temptations and get into one affair myself. 


Hmmmm.  Well today I was walking to the store to return a RedBox DVD.  I did not drive because the walk is only 2 miles round trip and it was a beautiful day.  I had this pretty attractive man, in a nice Ford F350, in an EMT Uniform ask me if I needed a ride.  Of course I said NO and walked on.  Well he waited for me at the WalMart and when I came out, he offered me a ride again.  1st, I dont know if he was a serial killer.... with an EMT Halloween costume  BUT that is my point.  I told him if I needed a ride I would call UBER and he said, I was just offering a ride to a beautiful girl.  

Makes me wonder, if the roles were reversed and it was an attractive woman... if my husband would have gotten into the car and BOOM = Affair ????   

That is the difference, I guess... Hell, I dont know.

😉
"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Keepabuzz
GingerHoneyBunny wrote:

 Or as my wife put it, I'll know when i face my own temptations and get into one affair myself. 


That is a complete cop out statement, and minimizes the damage she has done. We have all faced temptations, few of us have betrayed the ones we love.....  typical mentality of the WS, everybody would have an affair in the right circumstances, absolutely wrong. There are many of us that NEVER would....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BrokenHearted
GingerHoneyBunny wrote:


If he's truly remorseful and owning up, then he's probably feeling guilty as hell. I know very well its pointless to figure out what's going on in their heads. And it just hurts more trying to understand but then we can't stop thinking about it either. Maybe they can compartmentalize . Or as my wife put it, I'll know when i face my own temptations and get into one affair myself. 



I've been "tempted" several times  but even though things were rough  I still knew it was wrong. One was a neighbor 20 yrs my junior . He was very good looking  and a big flirt. I admit the attention was nice, but never thought of it as anything more than just  him being a typical 20 something... until he came over one evening while my husband wasn't home, and he was very serious telling me he was in love with me. I knew it was no longer innocent and threw him out. I don't buy your wife's reasoning.
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GingerHoneyBunny
I have to admit. With my current state of mind and the very broken nature of my marriage (every one here who knows my story), i would have probably jumped into that Ford f350 and just see what they nice guy in the emt uniform has to offer me. Last week I did something out of character  I had lunch and dinner with 2 women who I knew found me attractive. One of them even kept reminding me 5 times for lunch with her and she is quite an attractive lady.  I have to admit, now I find myself enjoying the attention. Esp when being told that I am good looking by an attractive woman over lunch. Nothing happened over the meals. But i did enjoy the attention. Something i would not have granted especially to women who I knew were attracted to me. I feel this affair virus has just completely infected every aspect of my psyche. Maybe I am just very angry. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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anthropoidape
Trinity wrote:


Hmmmm.  Well today I was walking to the store to return a RedBox DVD.  I did not drive because the walk is only 2 miles round trip and it was a beautiful day.  I had this pretty attractive man, in a nice Ford F350, in an EMT Uniform ask me if I needed a ride.  Of course I said NO and walked on.  Well he waited for me at the WalMart and when I came out, he offered me a ride again.  1st, I dont know if he was a serial killer.... with an EMT Halloween costume  BUT that is my point.  I told him if I needed a ride I would call UBER and he said, I was just offering a ride to a beautiful girl.  

Makes me wonder, if the roles were reversed and it was an attractive woman... if my husband would have gotten into the car and BOOM = Affair ????   

That is the difference, I guess... Hell, I dont know.


Dude sounds creepy. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz
While my wife was having her affair and treating me terribly there was a very attractive woman in my office that I knew was attracted to me. Months went by, every function, every meeting, drinks, she sat next to me. Always talked to me. Clearly interested. We were at a conference together, and after quite a few drinks,  we walked to our rooms on the same floor of the hotel, she stopped at my room with me and said “Are you up for one more drink out of the minibar?”  I laughed and declined. She went to her room and I to mine. I thought how easy would that have been? Zero chance of getting caught. I knew I would not be able to live with myself. I had to look myself in the mirror everyday. I kept my integrity.  A simple decision. Yes or no
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Trinity
I know that all of us here have had our share of opportunities.  
I also know that the guilt would tear me apart and I would not be able to look in the mirror.  I would feel like a steaming pile of S#it, for sure.
YES, the attention is always nice but I think it makes it even better when it stays innocent.  

Anthro...  YES the whole thing was creepy.  😉

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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MITM
Nothing. Mine's still wayward.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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MITM
Keepabuzz wrote:


That is a complete cop out statement, and minimizes the damage she has done. We have all faced temptations, few of us have betrayed the ones we love.....  typical mentality of the WS, everybody would have an affair in the right circumstances, absolutely wrong. There are many of us that NEVER would....

Correct. I didn't/wouldn't/couldn't. That's not building myself up to be some kind of moral hero, either. I just don't have it in me to commit that kind of betrayal.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Keepabuzz
MattInTheMountains wrote:

Correct. I didn't/wouldn't/couldn't. That's not building myself up to be some kind of moral hero, either. I just don't have it in me to commit that kind of betrayal.


Exactly, you, like me and most BS’s here have integrity. I would never. That didn’t save me one ounce of pain and suffering though. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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MITM
Trinity wrote:
I know that all of us here have had our share of opportunities.  
I also know that the guilt would tear me apart and I would not be able to look in the mirror.  I would feel like a steaming pile of S#it, for sure.
YES, the attention is always nice but I think it makes it even better when it stays innocent.  

Anthro...  YES the whole thing was creepy.  😉

"T"

Hey T. Absolutely agree, particularly about the creepy part. And I'm the same, I've certainly had opportunities over the years. (Being male, I'm obviously much less adept at recognising them, but I'm not entirely stupid!) And I agree 100% about it staying innocent. I have a boundary that stops it from being anything else. You can call it integrity, loyalty, commitment, whatever you like. For me it doesn't really have a label, it's just there.

In this kind of situation, the weird thing is that I wonder about removing that boundary, or ignoring it. But the truth is that would just lead to painful, rebound situations that don't help anyone, least of all me. Hopefully it should be enough for me to know that I haven't suddenly become hideous or invisible to women. Because I really shouldn't impose myself on anyone else romantically while I'm still wading hip-deep through the pile of crap that's been dumped on my head.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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MITM
GingerHoneyBunny wrote:
I have to admit. With my current state of mind and the very broken nature of my marriage (every one here who knows my story), i would have probably jumped into that Ford f350 and just see what they nice guy in the emt uniform has to offer me. Last week I did something out of character  I had lunch and dinner with 2 women who I knew found me attractive. One of them even kept reminding me 5 times for lunch with her and she is quite an attractive lady.  I have to admit, now I find myself enjoying the attention. Esp when being told that I am good looking by an attractive woman over lunch. Nothing happened over the meals. But i did enjoy the attention. Something i would not have granted especially to women who I knew were attracted to me. I feel this affair virus has just completely infected every aspect of my psyche. Maybe I am just very angry. 

You certainly are very angry, and rightly so. The trick is to find productive uses for the anger, as opposed to imposing it on others. So anyway, yes - go to the dinners, flirt a bit, etc. There's no harm, as long as that's as far as it goes. But your anger is for your WS and her alone, and it sounds like she's not ready to acknowledge or deal with that yet.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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