Clarity
This is my first time posting on the forum. I have been married for 27 years this August and have been betrayed twice by my spouse. I had to confront him with evidence both time of an affair he was having ten years ago wth a family friend and then again 18 months ago with a co-worker. Each time I was devestated of course, but since he was so remorseful and did everything and more than I asked the first time, I gradually let him back both physically and mentally. Then I was hit with another! I feel like I have been living with a stranger and all this time, affair or not he has been pretending to be truthful and vulnerable but yet here we go again. 

My question are:

1. Has anyone experienced a long period of, what seemed like repair, only to find themselves back in the same space multiple years later. I guess a relapse of sorts.

2. Do you look at as "recovery" and they just fell off the wagon.

3. Does a "over remorseful" spouse make you think he really doesn't know what he has done or why and just wants to go back to normal.

4. If your children are saying, mom it's okay to get divorced should you take their advice.

5. I am very independent but so love my family and obviously sacrificed to make things work the first time around. Would it be crazy to do think it could work after a second affair?

Any and all thoughts would be appreciated. I am struggling STILL on which way to go! Unbeliveable really. 
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Dirazz
Clarity, welcome to the forum. We are all here to listen and help in any way we can. I have only experienced one affair so it’s hard for me to answer any of your questions. I can tell you what I would do in your situation just by reading what you have told us. I personally myself would not   give my H a second chance. I mentally and emotionally and even physically could not go through what I did before. And if my husband could devastate me again knowing what I went through I frankly wouldn’t want him. This by no means I think you should do this. I just know what I could handle. I told him once and I mean it today I’d rather live on the streets than live with a serial cheater. I’m sure others on here will have some better insight than me. The ball is in your court. You decide how you want to proceed. 
We are all here for you! 
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Vanessa
Clarity so sorry you are in this horrible position, but glad you have found somewhere to find some support.

This is really not about your spouse.  It is about YOU.

Are you willing to live with someone who chose to betray you so brutally not once, but twice? 
Is whatever life you have with him worth living with his lies? (he lies,  statement of fact, not an editorial)
Is being the "marriage police" a price you are willing to pay to continue in the life you now live?

YOU are worthy of someone who does not cheat.  YOU get to choose what you want out of this one life you get.  Is HE "enough" for you?

I wish you peace and clarity in this difficult time
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hurting
I agree. It’s now about what YOU want to do and whether HE is enough for you. 

Of your questions, I can try to answer only one. You asked does an ‘over remorseful spouse make you think he really doesn’t know what he has done and just wants to go back to normal?’

I don’t know what an over remorseful spouse is. But ANY cheating spouse who cannot see the issue with what they’ve done and ‘just wants to go back to normal’ is a big red flag for me. What normal? The normal where they cheat? And lie? NO THANKS! 

The ONLY reason I am giving my WS a chance is because he is willing to CHANGE. And change is not possible if they can’t identify or acknowledge what the problem was in the first place. My WS had to admit his issues and where/how wrong he  was, then actively seek to change those things. Otherwise, there was no point for me. For me, it felt like if those things weren’t addressed, I would be opening the door to allow for another affair BECAUSE the very issues which led to the first one were not addressed. 

My WS had an emotional affair previously that I knew of- and we did NOT address properly. I regret that more than anything. Because I view that as my warning- I should’ve LEFT at that point, or made the decision to leave if he could or would not address what led him to cheat and change. He didn’t and I didn’t, and we ‘went back to normal’. He then had a full blown affair with someone different not too long later, after we got married. This is my biggest regret- not dealing with it properly, and looking out for what I NEEDED and wanted. 

Of course, even if he ‘changes’, he may well cheat again... so it’s down to you (or me) in our situations to examine the situation properly and choose what we feel we want or need. Just trying to put it behind us and forget about though? Hell no. I’ve learnt my lesson.
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anthro
If he has cheated again his remorse was fake. I'd leave. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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ThrivenotSurvive
I could not, and would not, even attempt to get past a second affair.  A common thread in most WS is that they somehow convinced themselves this was going to be a victimless crime - that no one would find out - that no one would get hurt. 

However, having been through it once and seeing the devastation that it wrecks on their spouse, their children and many others, they can no longer believe that.  In those with the capacity and desire for integrity this is usually the trigger to make drastic changes.  They don't like who they became and they never want to be the conduit of that kind of pain again.  

The fact that your husband could make that choice again, with full knowledge of the devastation it could, and would, cause would be a non-starter for me.  There is nothing to build upon there.  He is the drunk driver who has already killed someone and had his license taken away, and while he's out on bail, gets drunk and gets behind the wheel again.  That is not remorse.  True remorse causes dramatic, irrevocable change.  

We all have to do what we feel is best and you alone know your husband and your marriage well enough to make this choice. But I can't, in good conscience, tell you to do the hard work of repair with someone who hasn't respected that gift the first time it was given.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
I with you. I will never go down this road again. My wife doesn’t even need to actually have another affair for me to leave. If she even begins to act like she did before she had her affair, I will be gone.

This WS isn’t asking for a second chance, he already had that, and he didn’t deserve that one. He is asking for a third. What he should get is his walking papers. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Experiencethedevine29
Clarity, it’s awful that you’re here, I’m sorry your husband is such a lying, treacherous and evidently unremorseful twat.

like everyone else, I wouldn’t put myself through all that agony a second time, let alone a possible third...

i wont presume to tell you what you SHOULD do because I think deep down, you already know, but I won’t mince words either, it’s not my style, so I WILL say that from what you describe, your ‘husband’ sounds like a sack of sh*t that would weigh far too much for me to carry, so I wouldn’t  even pick it up.

My husband WAS a twat who had a four year affair, and when I discovered it, I gave him as long as it took for me to pack my car up to leave to tell me EVERYTHING,  or eff off to his concubine immediately. To this day, 10 years on, I am in the ‘Keepabuzz ‘ camp. In other words, he knows that any sign of s8hitty behaviour toward me in ANY form, and I’ll skip happily off into the sunset without him.

I tell my daughters all the time when they’re finding things difficult, that we all keep doing it until we simply CAN’T do it anymore...only you know how much you’re willing to tolerate before you say enough is enough.

i wish you sanity and peace in making your decisions.

ETD🌻
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Damaged
He is a serial cheater. Do you really want to spend another 10 -20 years with him to find out he has done this again. Gently- there may be other affairs that you don’t even know about. You deserve happiness ! I would leave. You can never trust this man.
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BorealJ
I don't think it's for us on the forum to advise your decisions, but if you're going to go forward, perhaps looking at what made you choose to continue the marriage the first time is important.  Remorse is one thing.  Change is another.  If he never really did any work on himself the first time around, then it's not unreasonable to think he couldn't grow now if he really made the effort.  But if the first affair didn't give him motivation to work on growth, I would say your decision should include whether or not you share values that are compatible and if he wants to be what he says he does, you need to see a commitment to movement towards that goal.  If it were me, counseling is a part of the commitment I would need to see.  He's already shown he can't get there on his own.
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