I am new to this forum and looking for support. Is anyone ever in support of the OW? Let's find out.
Let me start by saying I was not aware of anyone else in our relationship when it started. I was a recent widow who set out to try to rebuild her life. I met a man that made me feel whole again. We had a wonderful relationship and he quickly became my best friend. Two yrs into our relationship I found out about the then girlfriend. I was made to believe it was a "friend" and nothing more. I tried to distance myself from him, but he continued to contact me. He knew I loved him and had already suffered so much loss. I found it difficult to stay away. Then it happened. While still dating me....he married her!!! I didn't even find out he was married until I contacted her to tell her what was going on and find out if it was just a friendship. Boy was I shocked...hurt...all the things you can imagine. She on the other hand did not seem surprised at all and told me "Want him? It's not like I'm madly in love with the guy anyway". I was floored by the response.
How could you not love him? How can you be so OK with this? I loved this man to my very core and was completely devastated. We went no contact for about a month. Then he started with the emails....calls of "I miss my friend" ect. He begged me to remain his friend, to forgive him.
I have been going back and forth ....I want to slap him one second for hurting me. The next I feel sorry because his now wife does not love him. She admitted she married him because he "fixes things around my house and has a good pension when he dies". What kind of marriage is that?
My question for everyone/anyone is this.....How do you let go of someone you love only to give him up to someone who doesn't love him? He has only been married to her for 7 months now. He still texts and meets me for coffee and hikes. We have been intimate, I know it is wrong...so please no judgement. I am trying to find a way to let go of a man I love....so please...just helpful advise. The pain in my heart cannot take any more bashing. I cannot speak to my friends or family for obvious reasons and have no place else to turn. Any help or advise will be appreciated. Thanks in advance for your understanding.
Firstly, let me say how sorry I am that you lost your beloved husband and that your daughter lost her Daddy. That’s a dreadfully painful experience for you both. Grief is a process that is undeniable, unavoidable and one that we must go through, but navigating it without detriment is a minefield indeed.
That you mention being so recently widowed when you met this man rings alarm bells. As Thrive rightly points out, although for you this chap was a very much needed crutch at a time of hypersensitivity and a need for support, he took advantage of you in the worst possible way. He KNEW your situation and selfishly set out to satisfy his own needs while sacrificing yours. Had he really had your best interests at heart, he would have ended his relationship with the girlfriend to concentrate on building a relationship with you that nurtured honesty, safety and care. He did none of these things. Instead he continued to lie to you, keeping the worst kind of treachery a secret.
Add into that the fact that even after you discovered his other relationship (and forgive me, I mean no harm, but you continued to spend time with him in full knowledge of it) he still pursued you, rejecting your attempts to create distance, is evidence of his intent. That is to have you both as he pleases, with no regard to either of you, and there’s the rub.
That he was fully aware of your circumstances makes him the worst kind of vile..but you readily admit that because he was bridging an imagined gap in your suffering, you allowed him to continue to take advantage of you. That’s just awful, and while I understand how you let that happen , that he continued to do so makes me nauseous.
Your own alarm bells were ringing, that’s why you contacted his now wife, and although you say she seems unconcerned and unloving, it’s like any other situation where one is in a clandestine relationship, you don’t really know the dynamics of ‘theirs’ because you aren’t privy to it other than what you hear. Frankly, I’m in agreement with you that it seems peculiar to be in a marriage with someone you don’t give a s*it about but unless you’re a fly on the wall....
Do not feel sorry for him. As Thrive says, the dick head put HIMSELF there. Right there going between the two of you and playing king dingaling crowing to himself that he’s got it all...he’s a twat. My advice to you is to drop him like a hot coal, even though it’s going to crucify you for a short time. Complete no contact. Concentrate on your daughter, your friends and while you find your way through this awful grieving process, try to find something, anything that gives you focus and hope for better things to come because I promise you my lovely, they WILL come. That old adage about time is so true.
You continue to be, now that he has a wife, his very definite OW.. I don’t believe that’s a title you think you truly deserve. You’re not giving him up to someone who doesn’t love him. You didn’t have him in the first place.
Wishing you better days.