Hi guys,

I'm new here and need help.  I am a cheating spouse my wife and I are 2 years post D-Day and I have spent at least 18 months with my head in the sand and hiding from my responsibility in healing my relationship.  I have just completed Tims "Understanding why" course.  This has helped me, but my wife still has questions regariding "Why her".  I have thought long and hard over this but still need help in understanding why I could open up to someone else and not my wife.  I can't get a satisfactory answer in my mind, let alone help her understand.  Has anyone out there come across any literature that helped you?

Thanks in advance.
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The answer may be beyond your level of comprehending your actions. Professional counselors are often the source to help you answer this question. Varies from person to person, however it's mostly rooted in behaviors and exposures that happened quite some time ago.
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More often than not, the affair partner is easier to connect with for a couple reasons: (1) the involved spouse is experiencing limerence (when there is an emotional it romantic connection) that is not being experienced in the marriage and (2) "opening up" to the affair partner does not require the vulnerability that is being avoided in the marriage (and that is needed for true, healthy intimacy to be established in a secure relationship).

In most cases, the answer is not found by trying to figure out "what was so good about HER?" which is really just another way of asking "what's wrong with ME?" It's normal for a betrayed spouse to wonder those things... to feel that insecurity. But if your wife expects to find resolution by focusing on those issues, you will likely never be able to give her a satisfying answer. 

If you did the course, I hope you have some clear insight into what motivated your choices. If so, they are probably the best answers you can provide. 
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I can only answer for myself. In hindsight, 4 years later, I think I just crossed paths with my AP at the wrong time and he could have been anyone (well, not ANYone, but it wasn't really about AP as a unique individual). My husband and I weren't communicating well, I felt ignored and overworked, we had three young kids, and I was busy with my career and was respected there but not so much at home. 

My AP was peripherally in the same circles as I was and quickly read me as a person overworked and lacking attention at home because I let that on in a moment of vulnerability. Perhaps more importantly, he was a charming and quirky underachiever, and I am a rescuer. He was a narcissist (which took me a while to sort out), and I'm a codependent. It felt natural to support and "help" this guy while he tried to loosen me up and make me more of a free spirit.

I wasn't afraid to say anything to my AP because the stakes were so low. I was unburdened by history. I didn't think he was going to judge me, and if he did, so what? He listened to what I was saying. Just like the beginning of any relationship, there just IS a lot to say before decades pass and take it out of you. You can be anyone when you're with someone new. Isn't an affair really just an attempt to outrun yourself and your life?
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