Kalmarjan
I am starting this thread to share something...

Whilst in the affair fog, I did some real stupid things. One of them was to hack into my wife's Facebook account.  (My wife hacked into my Facebook, and that is how DDay occurred. It turns out that all of our computers used Chrome extensions that had a password manager on them. D'OH!)

Long story short, my AP selected a message thread from messenger with one of my Wife's "boyfriends" and copied and pasted it into a word document. 

Now, I knew she was doing this at the time, and I didn't really approve. But I didn't say anything because, I was still in the fog, and really, really pissed off that my wife had a rebound affair. 

One thing that I could not understand through all this was why did my AP want to read all this stuff, and be spectator to a family crumbling? I asked her so many times this question, but was deflected with the, "why do you even care?" I figured out that she sent it to herself via my outlook sent folder. (I still don't know why. I let my wife know, so I'm not sure what the AP game was at the time, but we shall see.)

Anyway, this post is not about my AP, but about my wife.

Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts for me. Yesterday is moving day in Quebec. Everyone moves on the same day because almost all leases come due on that day. So, a year ago I moved out of my house and into my apartment so that I could pursue the relationship with my AP. 

I was cleaning out my computer (I never had cable at the apartment and everything was done by computer) and I came across the file that my AP had left. I opened it, and read it all. 

There are parts of the messages that anger me. It's hard knowing that my wife was intimate with another man, even if everything was supposedly done between us. It would be hard for anyone to see that.

But then I read her open her heart up to the guy. (They met online and he is going through a crippling divorce as well. I think this is why they bonded.)

The agony she expressed to this guy will be burned in my mind forever. To read things like how she felt worthless, how she stopped eating and sleeping because of what was going on. She at some points was barely able to function, all because I was an ass to her. It triggered memories of fights that we had through texts, where I thought I was just standing up to her... but devastated her. I had no idea how she felt, but I thought she was just trying to manipulate me.  

All the while I was in a stupid fog with a woman who, I admit, if I met her before my wife was ever in the picture, I would have laughed at and sent her on her merry way. 

My wife even stated that if it weren't for my son, she would have ended everything. She considered ended everything. I drove her there. I can't even begin to explain to you the shame I have for that. I sit here trying to type with tears stinging my eyes.  (I could just not tell you but hey, I wouldn't be authentic.)

I literally broke and shattered everything that my best friend in the world held dear. All because I didn't have a good enough boundary to tell the AP to back the F*** off when she originally sent me a text that was inappropriate. All because I wanted to have more. Because I was an ass that had no consideration for the damage that I was doing to my relationship with with my wife.

My AP did her best to distract me, but the god awful honest truth is that I let myself be distracted, I wanted to be. I was a selfish ass. I was more worried about my feelings, my happiness, and my self-centeredness to even contemplate that my actions had a profound impact on my wife, the person I pledged and vowed to love, have and hold forever. 

I will tell you the truth. When I was in my fog, I had no idea about how my wife felt. I didn't want to care, because I was so wrapped up in my own head and business. I was so selfish and self-centered. Sure, I got there because of the dynamics of the marriage on both sides, but if I had to choose, I would have never put my best friend through all of this. 

I had to goad myself with anger. I sure as hell was not empathetic with my wife, which is totally out of character with myself. 

The good news is that I get to have a chance to make things better with my wife. Every morning I express gratitude for it. I use a diary app and the 5 minute journal. Every morning I express that I am so grateful that I get the opportunity to make things right. Every day I tell my wife that I am grateful to be there, to have a second chance. 

I am happy that this guy helped her through this. If I ever have the opportunity to meet him, He gets a handshake from me for that. But then I will punch him in the face for sleeping with my wife.  (Hey, I am allowed to be jealous, even if I have no right to be.. LOL)
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Processing4Growth
Kalmarjan - I want to thank you for how open you are on this site and for sharing your insights. Affair boards do not tend to be the friendliest of places for the WS to hang out let alone share. It take great courage. I really respect that. Thanks.
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Branded
I'll be honest, I don't think I know (and maybe never will) how my affair affected my wife. I know she became (and remains) angry in ways I've never experienced from her before, so I can only assume the pain in very deep. As months have gone on, I've tried to get some perspective from her, but it's still coming out primarily as anger and keeping me at arms length, which makes it hard for me to get to an empathetic place. But I want to. I even tell her I want to, but even that seems to offend her.
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Gmann
I never once considered what my actions would do to my wife. I have totally destroyed everything she held dear in our marriage. I can see the pain I have caused everyday when I see her. Somehow she has remained calm and very mature about this whole thing. I keep waiting for the explosion of anger and emoton that would be expected from this kind of trauma. But somehow she has remained objective pretty much the whole time. I am really amazed with the composure she has maintained. I can truly see how deep her pain really is and it's all because of my selfish inconsiderate unfaithful actions. No matter how our marriage ends up my first priority is to focus on her healing the damage I have done. Do I completely understand her pain? I may never completely understand but am trying to see her side and be the person she needs in this horrible time in her life. Hopefully one day she will forgive me maybe then can I start working on myself
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Anna26
Gmann wrote:


I can see the pain I have caused everyday when I see her. Somehow she has remained calm and very mature about this whole thing. I keep waiting for the explosion of anger and emoton that would be expected from this kind of trauma. But somehow she has remained objective pretty much the whole time. I am really amazed with the composure she has maintained. I can truly see how deep her pain really is and it's all because of my selfish inconsiderate unfaithful actions.


That's what my husband says about how I have reacted to his affair. He said I had been 'brilliant' about the whole thing.  At first though I was numb and then in a strange way I became more resigned to the situation because I was in it, like it or not.  Although I do get angry sometimes, I mostly feel that to be always angry would be like I was losing control. And I also feel that by keeping that control I am also maintaining my own dignity and self respect. I think it takes a very strong woman or man to be able to do this and your wife sounds like she is. Good luck to you both, hope you manage to work things out.
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Kalmarjan
Gmann wrote:
No matter how our marriage ends up my first priority is to focus on her healing the damage I have done. Do I completely understand her pain? I may never completely understand but am trying to see her side and be the person she needs in this horrible time in her life. Hopefully one day she will forgive me maybe then can I start working on myself


Gmann, great post! It looks like you are beginning to understand what your actions have put your wife through. I will say this, once you peek down this rabbit hole, get ready to be floored by what you discover about yourself.

If I may be so bold...

Your wife does need you to understand her pain, but you will just be giving her empty words unless you really make an effort to work on yourself. You do not need forgiveness to move forward with that.

You need to examine yourself, and ask the hard questions. Forgive yourself for what you have done, and move forward making yourself the best man you can be, and (I know it sounds counterintuitive) your wife will feel more comfortable knowing that you are acting with integrity.

Because for the affair, you definitely were not. You engaged in dishonest behavior, and this is what your wife is hurt and betrayed by. By looking deep within yourself and working on you, you will "earn" your wife's forgiveness, if she so chooses to give it to you.

You have a tough road ahead of you, but please believe me when I tell you it's worth it. If things don't work out for the marriage, then at least you can control the part you work on. Unfortunately you chose to have an affair, so the rest is up to your wife. Hedge your bets either way, and work on you. You won't regret it.
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Gmann
It's been 3 weeks now and we have had many talks. I have been completely honest about what happened finally in the beginning I was scared and ashamed and held back some but when we started to work on it I couldn't give all if was not telling all so I told her the rest. One of my worst misakes as I find out through this process not sharing my feelings with her has been the rot cause of me for the whole marriage and probably my whole life. Thinking I didn't need anybody to know me and put myself in a dark lonely place filled with frustration anger and false resentment. Only after I totally opened up to her and had nothing to hide did I see this. It may be too late to fix the damage I have done as it goes back to the beginning of us and gradually got worse as the years went on. I would transmit all these feeling I kept inside into anger and resentment onto her when she didn't deserve it making her feel like a bad person wondering what she did wrong or what was wrong with her. When all along it was me. I have found new outlook to myself and who I want to be by confiding in my wife everything I was scared to tell anyone but it may be too late for her to ever forgive the years of pain I have given her I can only pray that I can help her feel like the beautiful amazing compassionate woman she is with or without me I may never feel the depth of the pain she is Goin through but I do know I caused it all and understand the is the deepest wound she will ever experience.
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surviving
Gmann - don't give up.  We are 21 months from DDay.  It took my WH three months to come completely honest and tell all - which "all" included our whole 35 years of marriage and even before our marriage.  There has been a real change in him.  Everything you described about yourself is a mirrored image of my WH.  Never give up hope!  You are doing the right thing.  Give your wife time.  If you are honest and you change from the inside out, she just may come around.  Don't give up hope!
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Kalmarjan
Gmann wrote:
It's been 3 weeks now and we have had many talks. I have been completely honest about what happened finally in the beginning I was scared and ashamed and held back some but when we started to work on it I couldn't give all if was not telling all so I told her the rest. One of my worst misakes as I find out through this process not sharing my feelings with her has been the rot cause of me for the whole marriage and probably my whole life. Thinking I didn't need anybody to know me and put myself in a dark lonely place filled with frustration anger and false resentment. Only after I totally opened up to her and had nothing to hide did I see this. It may be too late to fix the damage I have done as it goes back to the beginning of us and gradually got worse as the years went on. I would transmit all these feeling I kept inside into anger and resentment onto her when she didn't deserve it making her feel like a bad person wondering what she did wrong or what was wrong with her. When all along it was me. I have found new outlook to myself and who I want to be by confiding in my wife everything I was scared to tell anyone but it may be too late for her to ever forgive the years of pain I have given her I can only pray that I can help her feel like the beautiful amazing compassionate woman she is with or without me I may never feel the depth of the pain she is Goin through but I do know I caused it all and understand the is the deepest wound she will ever experience.


Gmann,

I know the journey is tough. Believe me, it has its bumps.

I found three books that have helped me immensely:

Homecoming by Dr Bradshaw
Taming the Outer Child
And Mo More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Glover.

The three in that order are what I am working through right now. There is a lot of work, but the end result is understanding yourself a lot more.

My life changed radically for the better once I started working on me. I have also discovered something by accident. My wife is having a better time with me because she knows I am working on me.

The truth is, she asked me point blank in the beginning when I came back, "Do you think you will ever cheat on me again?"

I couldn't say no, because truthfully, I wasn't sure.

After doing the work, and a LOT of soul searching, I can unequivocally say NO, I WELL NEVER CHEAT ON YOU AGAIN.

Good luck, you have a lot of work ahead of you. If you need anything, that's what these awesome forums are for.
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loril
Kalmarjan. Im curious, what lead to you being so confident you wont cheat again. Im not critizing just curious as my ws says the same but he also said in the past he would never cheat even looked negatively at those that did.

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Kalmarjan
loril wrote:
Kalmarjan. Im curious, what lead to you being so confident you wont cheat again. Im not critizing just curious as my ws says the same but he also said in the past he would never cheat even looked negatively at those that did.



Welcome Loril,

Great question.

What it comes down to is after the work that I have done, I know why I cheated. I wasn't acting with integrity or authenticity. I cheated and hid it, thinking all would be okay. It's because I didn't have that boundary, that I didn't know where the line woukd be for me.

As I put it in another post, forget what society and friends and family think. Or what my wife thinks about what I did. In the end, when I look at myself in the mirror, strip away all the lies, justifications, etc. It's not okay what I did. Period.

Note that I did not say that I woukd always be with my wife, and that I would never leave. I am with my wife, but it's because we both want this. We both want to be together.

So, if it ever comes up again, where I feel that the love is gone, or that my mind is on another person, or the love is gone, I will talk with my wife.

If I am truly "in love" with someone else, then I will do the right thing and end it with my wife.

That's what I mean when I say I will never cheat again. It's because I know now that it won't be okay, no matter what story I tell myself to make it okay.

In other words, acting with integrity.

I hope that makes sense.
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loril
Thank you. I appreciate your feedback. My husband is finally getting the help for issues going back to his childhood. Issues that lead him to keeping his feelings bottled up and not.discussing his true feelings during periods of depression. Im insecure about a lot things now but do know we are both 100% committed to healing each of us individually and as a married couple.
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notemanj
wrote:
It's been 3 weeks now and we have had many talks. I have been completely honest about what happened finally in the beginning I was scared and ashamed and held back some but when we started to work on it I couldn't give all if was not telling all so I told her the rest. One of my worst misakes as I find out through this process not sharing my feelings with her has been the rot cause of me for the whole marriage and probably my whole life. Thinking I didn't need anybody to know me and put myself in a dark lonely place filled with frustration anger and false resentment. Only after I totally opened up to her and had nothing to hide did I see this. It may be too late to fix the damage I have done as it goes back to the beginning of us and gradually got worse as the years went on. I would transmit all these feeling I kept inside into anger and resentment onto her when she didn't deserve it making her feel like a bad person wondering what she did wrong or what was wrong with her. When all along it was me. I have found new outlook to myself and who I want to be by confiding in my wife everything I was scared to tell anyone but it may be too late for her to ever forgive the years of pain I have given her I can only pray that I can help her feel like the beautiful amazing compassionate woman she is with or without me I may never feel the depth of the pain she is Goin through but I do know I caused it all and understand the is the deepest wound she will ever experience.


My WH says these things to me. Yet he still lies. How am I supposed to believe what comes out of one side of his mouth while the other side is still telling only half of the tale?
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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anthropoidape
notemanj wrote:


My WH says these things to me. Yet he still lies. How am I supposed to believe what comes out of one side of his mouth while the other side is still telling only half of the tale?


I think all you can do is be alert to the likelihood of lies. My wife lied a few times after d-day as well as just continuing to be secretive for a while. She realised I think that she doesn't actually want  a life of sneaking around.

Your husband is either going to want to stop being a sneaking shifty lying liar, or not. You can't possibly trust him yet but you will be able to see whether he has gone down one road or the other in (wild guess) a few more months. Sooner is impossible given his history; he just has to walk the walk a while before you can even begin to believe him. 

I rationally accepted that my wife was comitted to honesty about 6 months (I guess) after d-day. I would say that another six months past that I still had a gut wrenching feeling that I would catch her with her AP about half the times when I was driving home. 

I would say now, another 6 months on, I am still not completely free of anxiety if she goes to gym in the evening or if I am away for  work for a few days. But I don't fret too much because to be quite honest, a good part of me would welcome the clarity and certainty th at I'd get from further cheating. 

Anyway... Basically, give it time and you will have more clarity. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Misericordia
“But I don’t fret too much because to be quite honest, a good part of me would welcome the clarity and certainty that I’d get from further cheating.”

Wow. It’s been over 5 years since my husband’s affair and this quote from Anthro hits home. It’s why I sleep so well at night.
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