neslon
My husband is the wayward and we are attempting to reconnect but do to some underlying issues that were present in our marriage he is dealing with underlying anger towards me. Has anyone else dealt with this?  He's asking for patience and I'm trying but it's so hard to try to rebuild myself and see this.  He also hasn't acknowledged that he has some ownership with this issue.  I was a lot like Urban with my hatred for conflict and people pleasing and had resentment which obviously affected our sex life.  It took years before I saw the cycling hell of this and by that time his ego was hit.  He self-medicated with an affair and now seems to have anger towards me that he took this path.  I know there is really nothing I can do but be patient as we all can only heal ourselves.  It's hard to reach out to someone who not only hurt you but is angry but I guess that is the stage he was at prior to affair right?  Hurt/angry/and tired of reaching out....and we come full circle...
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Negarcia
Nelson

My husband has a lot of resentment towards me as well. He blames me because he says I failed to give him what he needed but we just failed at communication our needs to each other. He had a lot of issues growing up and really requires a lot of attention. So when we had kids and my attention shifted he became resentful towards me. I have been patient and have been nice and with IC have seen where I went wrong and have been correcting my behaviors but he has to really dig deep and look at why his resentment is so great before he can get over it. Yes it takes a lot of patience but you can do it if your willing to put in the work.
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TimT
neslon wrote:
...It's hard to reach out to someone who not only hurt you but is angry but I guess that is the stage he was at prior to affair right?  Hurt/angry/and tired of reaching out....and we come full circle...

If you simply "get over" an affair, you're probably left with the same relationship you had before it happened. For real healing to take place, more needs to happen. No relationship/marriage can simply go back to the "old normal" and expect to heal. Reality has shifted. Change is required. For some (betrayed partners and wayward spouses alike), an affair can become an excuse for not focussing on pre-existing issues that hindered connection and intimacy. Any attempt to address those vulnerable issues will likely be met by anger or withdrawal unless/until a person is ready to work on real change.

Your marriage needs that, by the way. After an affair, you cannot go back to the old way of doing things and expect something different to happen. I hope your husband will begin to understand that.
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neslon
TimT - Thanks for the reply.  We have a MC who alternate appointments between us both and my husband alone.  I have a separate IC that I have been seeing.  Our last MC session was likely intense for my husband as we talked a lot on how I felt alcohol played a huge part in the affair and his dealing with the guilt during/after the affair.  My husband has a busy schedule and now seems to be fighting making the appointments.  I have cajoled and hinted that I would like him to at least have 2 on the calendar for the next month.  

I'm assuming beyond prayer and quietly working on myself there is nothing I can personally do to get him to engage?  I asked him the other night if he felt stuck and he blew up.  In his mind we need to reconnect only and spend time as a family.  I have tried to share that without taking steps forward I feel like I lose hope.

I should also add that he gets angry and says he is working on it and that his process is more internal than mine.  I have no idea what to think about this.  We are 5 months past dday and I HATE the way anxiety builds up.  
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