I've been on this site for some time but decided to finally tell my story, see if I can get some help and advice. My wife told me on November 20th of last year "I don't think I love you" so for the next two months, my head was spinning. I didn't know which way was up or down. I thought it was me that was the problem. I talked her into going to counseling in January and the counselor asked us if my wife was having an affair and we both said at the same time "no" but I discovered she was having an affair the night of one of our counseling sessions. I found all the e-mails on her computer from the OM. When I confronted her, all she could say was "I never meant to hurt you". She left the house for a weekend, came back wanting to try to work on the marriage and I believed her but throughout February when we were "dating", she was still seeing the OM so she was not working on trying to save our marriage like I thought. She moved out at the end of February, got her own place. We continued to see each other into March and on March 13th, she came to say "I'm done, I can't keep doing this" and she started seeing the OM full-time. I should have said earlier that they work together, that's how they met. Of course, I did all the things that you're not supposed to do. The begging, the pleading, the crying. It took some time for me to get my head wrapped around what was happening and with the help of counseling, I have made great changes in my life that others have seen and have commented to me about. Throughout most of this, this summer, my wife was defensive at first but now if I ask her certain questions, there's no anger. She's almost sad sometimes. Once in a while she'll try and get me riled up but I don't take the bait. I've been kind this whole time. At the end of August, we met each other to discuss her spending time with our youngest who is 16 but has autism. He doesn't understand any of this at all. She hasn't spent much time with him or our older three children and actually she spent very little time this past summer with the children and now she wants to reconnect with our youngest and take him more to stay with her at the OM's house. Throughout the summer, one of my boundaries was that the kids would not be around this man. She agreed to this but in September she was almost demanding that she be able to take him to the OM's house and I said it would be okay but with terms that she needed to oblige by and she has. I know that she is deep in the affair fog right now and there's nothing that I can really do but I've asked her on occasions "do you love me" and she has said yes. "Do you think of me?" and she says yes. This whole time she has just wanted me to give in, give up because it would be so much easier for her but I won't do that. She has not filed for divorce. I have asked her if she has the papers and she says that she does but it's too "daunting" to fill out. I still have hope for our situation, for the fact that she hasn't filed for divorce, we don't fight. My counselors say that there is great hope here, we just don't know what's going on inside her head right now. One thing I've learned through this site and other sites that I've been through is patience. And most people on here already know your emotions are like a roller coaster and I'm still going through that. Some days are good and some days I just can't handle it. I try to keep busy but you run out of things to do once in a while. This last weekend she wanted to take a few more items from the house and that got me down. Now, where I am today, I have backed way off. I'm not going to e-mail her, text, call her or anything unless it has something to do with our children. She has to suffer a loss of some kind soon to come out of this fog. I'm very close to my wife's family. I talk to my sister-in-law almost every day and my wife has not said anything to her family about what she's doing. She's maybe only told one of her closest friends. She hasn't said anything on Facebook. It's almost like she's afraid or ashamed to come clean and I hope she is ashamed. Maybe that's finally going to give her some clarity. I have a friend who went through the same situation that I am going through right now and he actually got divorced and him and his ex-wife have reconciled and they're back together again. They're both giving me good advice. I guess I know what I need to do and what I should be doing but at the same time, that's why I want to get my story out because it does help to talk about this and get feedback from others who know what it's like to be betrayed. Like I said earlier, I do have hope but there's times when I'm just not sure and those are the times where I come to this site looking to see if someone else posted something to pick up my spirits and keep going on. Thanks for listening.
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Thanx for sharing your story, ric67. It sounds like you are getting some good counsel. The choices are hard and do not have certain outcomes, but keep your focus on doing those things that lead you in a healthy direction. I hope your wife will find her way out of the confusion and join you there.
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