bobiv117
Any thoughts on ultimatums?

About 10 months from Dday, wife's affair with coworker. The AP is now divorced (I told his wife when they were going through the divorce already).

My marriage saw gradual improvements but there has been very minimal discussion on the affair. I also suspect they are still having non-work contact. I have asked her about once a month to talk about what happened with emphasis on just needing reassurance that she has ended the affair and that they have no non-work contact.

I want to give an ultamtium with what I want and give her a timeframe to act or start divorce proceedings. This isn't a way to control her, I am really ready to move on but want to exhaust every avenue before divorcing.

While I shouldn't mind read, I think my wife can't make a decision and doesn't want a life of joint custody with the 5 and 3 year old (and pets). I also think she just may want me to file so she can say that it was my doing.

Anyway, thoughts?
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Kalmarjan
bobiv117 wrote:
Any thoughts on ultimatums?

About 10 months from Dday, wife's affair with coworker. The AP is now divorced (I told his wife when they were going through the divorce already).

My marriage saw gradual improvements but there has been very minimal discussion on the affair. I also suspect they are still having non-work contact. I have asked her about once a month to talk about what happened with emphasis on just needing reassurance that she has ended the affair and that they have no non-work contact.

I want to give an ultamtium with what I want and give her a timeframe to act or start divorce proceedings. This isn't a way to control her, I am really ready to move on but want to exhaust every avenue before divorcing.

While I shouldn't mind read, I think my wife can't make a decision and doesn't want a life of joint custody with the 5 and 3 year old (and pets). I also think she just may want me to file so she can say that it was my doing.

Anyway, thoughts?


Yeah, divorce should not be a passive aggressive act. If your wife is goading you into the situation for you to make a decision for the two of you, that's not cool.

In your case, a clear set of expectation s and consequences can't hurt. I've read that no one deserves a divorce until they have done all the work to make sure it is the right thing to do.

Make it clear that she will have to work, and no she doesn't get a free pass.

Part of this could be mandatory counselling? I see you have tried to initiate some form of communication, but maybe some prompting from a counsellor (or a pastor/priest) may give you a better outcome?
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bobiv117
I have brought up counseling and she said no. From what I read, counseling is pointless if its forced.

Maybe I don't need an ultimatum yet, just state what I want/need and let her know that this is a deal breaker then set some timeline in my head.
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Kalmarjan
bobiv117 wrote:
I have brought up counseling and she said no. From what I read, counseling is pointless if its forced.

Maybe I don't need an ultimatum yet, just state what I want/need and let her know that this is a deal breaker then set some timeline in my head.


Sorry, I meant mandatory to continue in the Marriage. In the end it's her choice.

I totally understand not wanting to be there. My first marriage counselling appointment was on my 38th birthday, and I went to appease my wife at the time. (Of course I was still really into the affair!) Believe me, it was a waste of 100$,and an hour of my life that I will never get back.

What I mean though is that you need to make her understand that this cannot be swept under the rug.

Ultimatums suck, but so does being pushed into demanding one. Either she chooses to do the work and see if there is something to be saved, or she walks away.

You don't have to be coerced into making the decision for her. After all, (and believe me I understand this!) you didn't put the both of you in this situation.
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Intuition77
bobiv117 wrote:
Any thoughts on ultimatums?

About 10 months from Dday, wife's affair with coworker. The AP is now divorced (I told his wife when they were going through the divorce already).

My marriage saw gradual improvements but there has been very minimal discussion on the affair. I also suspect they are still having non-work contact. I have asked her about once a month to talk about what happened with emphasis on just needing reassurance that she has ended the affair and that they have no non-work contact.

I want to give an ultamtium with what I want and give her a timeframe to act or start divorce proceedings. This isn't a way to control her, I am really ready to move on but want to exhaust every avenue before divorcing.

While I shouldn't mind read, I think my wife can't make a decision and doesn't want a life of joint custody with the 5 and 3 year old (and pets). I also think she just may want me to file so she can say that it was my doing.

Anyway, thoughts?



I've often thought the same about my husband that he just wanted me
To file to avoid blame. In the end the passive aggressiveness doesn't matter if your ready to end it. It sucks. It's not fair but if your truly ready to say this is my deal breaker and she doesn't respond then her passive aggressiveness isn't your problem anymore. If it's between you moving on and finding happiness and not letting her bad behaviors win please pick your happiness.

To me an ultimatum is do this or else. And sounds hostile and like control. Better I think is a boundary of I need this to give this marriage a chance if you choose not to then for my own well being I must remove myself from the situation, separate, divorce whichever you choose. Just make sure you can and will really follow through or it becomes and empty threat.
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bobiv117
Thanks. I guess I don't have to call it an ultimatum, but I would like to put a time frame. I feel she doesn't feel I will follow thru.

I just want to try everything before I give up. Not sure I need to get it more times with more aggressive demands as we go on...just tired of this. Tired of being the only one trying. I want to close the chapter on this part of my life
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Kalmarjan
bobiv117 wrote:
Thanks. I guess I don't have to call it an ultimatum, but I would like to put a time frame. I feel she doesn't feel I will follow thru.

I just want to try everything before I give up. Not sure I need to get it more times with more aggressive demands as we go on...just tired of this. Tired of being the only one trying. I want to close the chapter on this part of my life


I hear you there I also applaud you. It would be easier to just walk away.

Hey, it's not an ultimatum in the sense that you are trying to control her actions. That would be wrong.

It is an ultimatum though, where you are drawing a line in the sand and saying this is no longer acceptable what you are doing. If she calls it control,then she is sadly mistaken.

In fact, I would counter that her doing nothing is a form of control, because her actions are passive aggressively trying to coerce you into doing something you don't want. Sounds like control to me.

No, make her work for it. You are doing the right thing sticking to your guns. If it is an ultimatum, then so be it. It's not control, it is a set of expectations laid out and the consequences of either meeting them or not meeting them. All part of healthy boundaries.

To be honest, I looked at what my wife did in the beginning as control. I figured she was manipulating me into getting me back. My AP fed into that fear. But looking back, it was me trying to control things by being that passive aggressive guy.

My wife always texted me and told me that she lived me, even up to a year after DDay, and said she still wanted to work on things, but couldn't do it alone.

Yes, I looked at it as control, but I controlled the situation by not even giving it a chance.

See the difference?

Your wife is the one manipulating things here by refusing to do the work, and trying to get you to do the dirty work, so she can get off Scott free. Best yet, she may have sold herself the big bad wolf story to get herself this far, so if you give in to her passive aggressive demands, you will be full filling the villain role in her story.

At least, that's from a perspective of someone who tried that passive aggressive crap.

Truth be told, my AP was right, I would never have filed for divorce, I was hoping my wife would do it. Stupid, I know.
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Intuition77
bobiv117 wrote:
Thanks. I guess I don't have to call it an ultimatum, but I would like to put a time frame. I feel she doesn't feel I will follow thru.

I just want to try everything before I give up. Not sure I need to get it more times with more aggressive demands as we go on...just tired of this. Tired of being the only one trying. I want to close the chapter on this part of my life


I'm
In the same position. Don't really see it ever being fixable yet still not sure I want to close the door to possibility. In my case I'm (as of right this second circumstances can change) I'm in no rush to make the divorce final just getting on with my life. I find less aggression less talking less interaction less everything speaks louder about your being done. In the case of a wS not trying at least. Just going about your life. I learned to stop announcing my intents when I realized for me anyway they we're more like warnings-watch out I'm really done this time etx. It was like begging via threats. He knows how to treat a wife right. If he chooses to do that he will. If he don't he don't. I'm just going on about my business. They see it almost as a power play I think. The more you give warnings the more they see it as your still invested and what will you put up with next. Just my own
Experience.
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Intuition77
Kalmarjan wrote:
bobiv117 wrote:
Thanks. I guess I don't have to call it an ultimatum, but I would like to put a time frame. I feel she doesn't feel I will follow thru.

I just want to try everything before I give up. Not sure I need to get it more times with more aggressive demands as we go on...just tired of this. Tired of being the only one trying. I want to close the chapter on this part of my life


I hear you there I also applaud you. It would be easier to just walk away.

Hey, it's not an ultimatum in the sense that you are trying to control her actions. That would be wrong.

It is an ultimatum though, where you are drawing a line in the sand and saying this is no longer acceptable what you are doing. If she calls it control,then she is sadly mistaken.

In fact, I would counter that her doing nothing is a form of control, because her actions are passive aggressively trying to coerce you into doing something you don't want. Sounds like control to me.

No, make her work for it. You are doing the right thing sticking to your guns. If it is an ultimatum, then so be it. It's not control, it is a set of expectations laid out and the consequences of either meeting them or not meeting them. All part of healthy boundaries.

To be honest, I looked at what my wife did in the beginning as control. I figured she was manipulating me into getting me back. My AP fed into that fear. But looking back, it was me trying to control things by being that passive aggressive guy.

My wife always texted me and told me that she lived me, even up to a year after DDay, and said she still wanted to work on things, but couldn't do it alone.

Yes, I looked at it as control, but I controlled the situation by not even giving it a chance.

See the difference?

Your wife is the one manipulating things here by refusing to do the work, and trying to get you to do the dirty work, so she can get off Scott free. Best yet, she may have sold herself the big bad wolf story to get herself this far, so if you give in to her passive aggressive demands, you will be full filling the villain role in her story.

At least, that's from a perspective of someone who tried that passive aggressive crap.

Truth be told, my AP was right, I would never have filed for divorce, I was hoping my wife would do it. Stupid, I know.



Kal is dead on here. They are usually far more controlling. We're usually just trying to
Control our own reality and pain. It is passive aggressive. My husband will
Still say I'm Controlling if I say your free to speak to and text other women but after your actions I can't trust you then and I'm
Not willing to be in a relationship where I can't trust or feel safe, so your free to do that but I won't be disrespected. Yes he tells me that's controlling him. Sigh. And their hope is they can control us by saying these things. More then likely it worked for years before the affair.
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Kalmarjan
Intuition77 wrote:
Kal is dead on here. They are usually far more controlling. We're usually just trying to
Control our own reality and pain. It is passive aggressive. My husband will
Still say I'm Controlling if I say your free to speak to and text other women but after your actions I can't trust you then and I'm
Not willing to be in a relationship where I can't trust or feel safe, so your free to do that but I won't be disrespected. Yes he tells me that's controlling him. Sigh. And their hope is they can control us by saying these things. More then likely it worked for years before the affair.


I'll add to this... (Bang on by the way!)

I would feel guilty. Shame. Because that would be the healthy thing to feel in this situation, but I would interpret it as her trying to control me by making me feel guilty.

I have been doing a lot of reading up on inner and outer child. The wounding and how to deal with the catastrophic actions of the Outer child.

The guilt and shame can be healthy and guide your actions, if you know yourself and have a clear set of boundaries. But in essence, I was acting like a 10 year old kid denied a scoop of ice cream.

So, it's like I stole it. And got caught. And don't want to deal with the consequences. So, I'm angry about feeling guilty (like I should) and so I accuse whoever is calling me out for making me feel guilty because I wanted that ice cream NOW and no one could tell me no.

As for the control, yes... How dare you be angry at me for stealing that ice cream. Screw it, I won't let you talk to me about it, or deal with it. I'll shut down the conversation with my adult skills and leave you hanging. How dare you try to coerce me into seeing your way. I'm right! I wanted the ice cream, I took it.
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