buxton Show full post »
BrokenHearted
Yes, apparently this can be normal for someone in your position. In all honesty it is a bit incomprehensible to me so I won't say more on that.

I will give you a different data point though.

Your wife may well have been nothing short of patient and forgiving since discovery. She may have always been willing to take you back and work on your marriage. I will guarantee you though, that dozens and dozens of times, every single day, she thinks to herself: I am a complete fool for even attempting this. I should end this relationship without any regard for him whatsoever. 

Every day, she encounters more than one man of whom she thinks, This guy is nothing special, really, but he is a way better human being than my husband. I could actually trust this complete stranger with my life more than I could trust my husband with it. 

(Some of those men think your wife is pretty hot, by the way, and would not mind helping her with the painful struggle she is now going through.)

Your wife isn't stupid, so she knows that she is actually, objectively, rationally, much much better off without you. It is indisputable that her best move is to ditch you permanently. She knows that if she moves on from you, she can easily find a person who is better for her than you are. She also knows that your prospects for moving on are badly damaged by your history; anyone you might meet from here will know it is unwise to trust you. 

You can stake your life on this: whatever she is showing on the surface, she is making serious calculations about your value to her and your merit as a human being. And if she decides to ditch you, she may do it with kindness and care, or she may simply go nuclear. I have seen both happen, starting from exactly where you are now.

So, while you are sitting there thinking about how interesting your feelings are, your life - the life you will probably wish you hadn't lost - is in serious danger. Your reconciliation process might survive a few more instances of contact with the AP, or you might already have broken trust one time too many. There is no saying yet. 

I do not think NC is some kind of external rule you need to comply with. It's really up to you what you do. But be aware that even the way you are thinking about it is doing damage to your marriage and to your wife. As hard as it is to forgive an affair, it is harder still to forgive lousy behaviour after the affair is discovered.

And above all be aware that you are actually fighting for your life here. You have never been as close as you are now to losing your family and to a future where the people you care about the most, even your own children, only ever view you with a mixture of disgust, pity, and eventually indifference, and never again respect.

And I am not making any of this up, or exaggerating. You are fighting for your life whether you realise it or not. You have less time left than you think. You may be about to lose all power over the next few years of your life.


I'm a B'S 1.7 yrs from discovery, and I feel the same way.  It's a daily struggle to trust ANYBODY let alone my WH. So much damage to repair, and leaving is still an option. 
Quote 3 0
anthropoidape
I had forgotten writing that. 

I do think there's often a period where the BS is trying very hard to be patiend and understanding, and the WS just doesn't realise that the clock is ticking: their situation is really serious and urgent and they don't seem to realise it. 

A BS in that situation can turn on a dime when they run out of patience. Then all the consequences come crashing down. Being dropped by all your friends, despised by your children, rejection by new people you meet when they learn about your past, litigation and the financial cost. Even temporary homelessness. In short it is a big f*cking deal and it is the most likely outcome of the affair. The full shítstorm is actually more likely than not, but that initial period of patience and grace from the BS combined with fog makes the WS think they have as long as they want to ponder their interesting and important feelings and then just pick whatever path they like as if nothing ever happened. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 1 0
Keepabuzz
I had forgotten writing that. 

I do think there's often a period where the BS is trying very hard to be patiend and understanding, and the WS just doesn't realise that the clock is ticking: their situation is really serious and urgent and they don't seem to realise it. 

A BS in that situation can turn on a dime when they run out of patience. Then all the consequences come crashing down. Being dropped by all your friends, despised by your children, rejection by new people you meet when they learn about your past, litigation and the financial cost. Even temporary homelessness. In short it is a big f*cking deal and it is the most likely outcome of the affair. The full shítstorm is actually more likely than not, but that initial period of patience and grace from the BS combined with fog makes the WS think they have as long as they want to ponder their interesting and important feelings and then just pick whatever path they like as if nothing ever happened. 


i couldn’t agree more. I know for me, after my wife’s confession I wanted nothing more than to throw her out. I didn’t because of my children. Looking back there was a time where I really believe I was in shock. Of course I was extremely hurt, and angry, but the shock is where I was figuring out what I should do.  I discussed none of this with my wife, I owed her NOTHING. I made plans. I decided where I was going to live. How we would do it financially. How I would tell my kids. I went to see a divorce attorney. I was getting all my “ducks in a row”. My wife was totally unaware.  She didn’t know what to do.  She knew the was a very high likelihood that I would leave, even though she was begging me not to. She actually tried to track me on GPS because she was so worried I was going to see an attorney.  If I was late coming back from a business trip, she would call and text non stop, worrying that I wasn’t coming back. These were valid concerns. I didn’t want to come back. 

During that time of shock, some BS’s may give the appearance of “going along”, but are likely planning their exit.  I still have an exit plan, at 3 years out. I will always have it.  If my wife exhibits ANY deception, or affair behaviors, I won’t wait for proof. I will be gone, and she is well aware.  

The WS has given the BS every reason in the world to cut them loose. The WS that continues to try to control and manipulate will be the one who will come home one day to the locks being changed, or an empty home. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 0 0
Phoenix
Yes, apparently this can be normal for someone in your position. In all honesty it is a bit incomprehensible to me so I won't say more on that.

I will give you a different data point though.

Your wife may well have been nothing short of patient and forgiving since discovery. She may have always been willing to take you back and work on your marriage. I will guarantee you though, that dozens and dozens of times, every single day, she thinks to herself: I am a complete fool for even attempting this. I should end this relationship without any regard for him whatsoever. 

Every day, she encounters more than one man of whom she thinks, This guy is nothing special, really, but he is a way better human being than my husband. I could actually trust this complete stranger with my life more than I could trust my husband with it. 

(Some of those men think your wife is pretty hot, by the way, and would not mind helping her with the painful struggle she is now going through.)

Your wife isn't stupid, so she knows that she is actually, objectively, rationally, much much better off without you. It is indisputable that her best move is to ditch you permanently. She knows that if she moves on from you, she can easily find a person who is better for her than you are. She also knows that your prospects for moving on are badly damaged by your history; anyone you might meet from here will know it is unwise to trust you. 

You can stake your life on this: whatever she is showing on the surface, she is making serious calculations about your value to her and your merit as a human being. And if she decides to ditch you, she may do it with kindness and care, or she may simply go nuclear. I have seen both happen, starting from exactly where you are now.

So, while you are sitting there thinking about how interesting your feelings are, your life - the life you will probably wish you hadn't lost - is in serious danger. Your reconciliation process might survive a few more instances of contact with the AP, or you might already have broken trust one time too many. There is no saying yet. 

I do not think NC is some kind of external rule you need to comply with. It's really up to you what you do. But be aware that even the way you are thinking about it is doing damage to your marriage and to your wife. As hard as it is to forgive an affair, it is harder still to forgive lousy behaviour after the affair is discovered.

And above all be aware that you are actually fighting for your life here. You have never been as close as you are now to losing your family and to a future where the people you care about the most, even your own children, only ever view you with a mixture of disgust, pity, and eventually indifference, and never again respect.

And I am not making any of this up, or exaggerating. You are fighting for your life whether you realise it or not. You have less time left than you think. You may be about to lose all power over the next few years of your life.

OMG, this really hit home for me. I think about this every single day. Exactly this. I hurt my BS so badly, he sees me in a completely different way and our past and present is no longer what he wanted that I feel he will one day realize that he needs to walk away. 
Quote 0 0