Lslady
Lately, I have earnestly trying to forgive my WS but I hit a snag today. A little back story. My WS had 3 different affairs of a period of 3 years. We have been married for 15 years but together for 20, have 2 children. His one affair has actually cost him his career which we worked together and sacrificed much for for 20 years. Our first DDay was almost 2 years ago which I discovered through a facebook IM and confronted him. Our 2nd DDay was just over a year ago where he finally admitted to 2 other affairs. It has been a long and difficult road. I have not always communicated correctly and have become very indifferent to him at times. I can say that he has been trying and has become the father that he should have always been. When it comes to our relationship he says that it's hard to keep trying since I am not putting much into it. I have been doing a lot of reading online and through these forums and soul searching trying to figure out what my path should be. This leads me to this morning. I found out that he still has contact with one of his AP. This AP was a friend of his and they went through training together with a group of people. This group has then stayed friends and has a group IM where they give support and keep everyone up to date on their lives. I found out that he was still part of this group even though I had specifically told him that I wanted him to have no contact with this women. To me it was clear that this group would be something he would not be a part of anymore. His excuse was that he wasn't having conversations specifically with this women it was a collective group. To me if you are having a group discussion and she is part of it then it's contact. Am I being over sensitive? Am I reading more into this situation? 
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
No, not overly sensitive. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT, PERIOD. His opinion of what he is or isn’t doing doesn’t matter. What matters is no contact, and the fact that he has broken it. Even if he thought there was nothing wrong with it, he should have been transparent and honest and brought it up to you. Then you get to decide what you are willing to deal with. But he didn’t. He did it anyway and didn’t tell you about it, the same as lying. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 1 0
anthropoidape
Keepabuzz wrote:
No, not overly sensitive. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT, PERIOD. His opinion of what he is or isn’t doing doesn’t matter. What matters is no contact, and the fact that he has broken it. Even if he thought there was nothing wrong with it, he should have been transparent and honest and brought it up to you. Then you get to decide what you are willing to deal with. But he didn’t. He did it anyway and didn’t tell you about it, the same as lying. 


Correct, and there is no argument to be had about it. If he tries to argue about it then he's messing with your head.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 1 0
UrbanExplorer
If he's in the group message, that is contact. It's the same reason I have my former AP blocked on social media. We know people in common, so I would see his responses to their thoughts. Not good for me or for my marriage.
Quote 2 0
Lslady
Facebook continues to be a stumbling block for me (us). He continues to be friends with people that I don't want him to be. His excuse is that he wants to go back to normal. Show that he can be friends with women on facebook and in life and nothing will happen. For me, it just causes anxiety and distrust. I'm tired of having the same conversations, he just doesn't seem to get it. He just deflects and says but look at all the other good changes I've made. I fear he is never going make the changes I need to move forward.
Quote 0 0
GingerHoneyBunny
Well for me, I made her quit every chat group that had the AP in it. Too bad then that's a small price to pay. It's a sad consequence of her action to engage in the affair. We all quit fb. Even the freaking ap. Maybe he was afraid I would use it find info on him. But yeah, everything had to go. Too bad... It's the way it is now
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
My wife had to end all relationships with people from her job. That was a boundary for me. Everything to do with her affair, the job, the friendships, etc all have to go, or I was going. 

I don’t see any of it as a negotiation. The WS betrayed the BS, period. I told my wife all the things she needed to do, or not do for me to even consider staying. The choice was hers, she could do as I required, or she could get out and we could get divorced. There was no other option for me. 

They screwed up, they pay the price. The BS has paid more then enough. 

A WS That thinks is perfectly ok to have friends of the opposite sex after having an affair, is not one I would be willing to reconsile with...
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 2 0
Damaged
My H and I do not send text messages to members of the opposite sex. If I need to send a text to a male married friend I also included the wife in a group text. My H does the same. He clearly understands that he can’t be ‘ friends ‘ with women . Its a boundary that is not crossed. 
Quote 2 0
anthropoidape
Lslady wrote:
His excuse is that he wants to go back to normal. Show that he can be friends with women on facebook and in life and nothing will happen. For me, it just causes anxiety and distrust. I'm tired of having the same conversations, he just doesn't seem to get it. He just deflects and says but look at all the other good changes I've made. I fear he is never going make the changes I need to move forward.


His excuse is rubbish. Facebook is actually not a very important feature of anyone's life and he can easily give it up. His "normal" doesn't include Facebook any more. That's what "back to normal" is for him now if he wants his marriage. Certain "normal" things are no longer okay. Imagine an alcoholic saying, "I just want to get back to normal and show I can be alone in a bar serving free drinks."

What he is really doing IMHO is manipulating you. He is creating a situation where you have to take some kind of action to protect yourself because he is not listening to you. But you feel like you are overreacting because it is just Facebook. The thing to remember is that you are not protecting yourself against his being on facebook you are protecting yourself against the impact of his abuse of you. If he cared at all about the damage he has done then he would drop facebook like a hot rock. It is your view of facebook interaction, not his view of facebook interaction, that he should be running with.

For what it is worth, I don't have any problem with my wife being on facebook in the public sense but she is not in any private chat groups. She has one work-related group (I think it's on WhatsApp) but (a) it is all women and (b) she shows me posts on it all the time and I know several of the women on it anyway. But that is the point - my take is mine, your take is yours. The fundamental thing is what Keepabuzz says; you decide. It is not about Facebook itself, it is about him having to reject his own judgment and go with your judgment instead on certain subjects now. 


Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 2 0
anthropoidape
Also, to be clear, you are not stumbling in forgiving because of this concern. He is the one stumbling.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 2 0
MITM
Lslady wrote:
Facebook continues to be a stumbling block for me (us). He continues to be friends with people that I don't want him to be. His excuse is that he wants to go back to normal. Show that he can be friends with women on facebook and in life and nothing will happen. For me, it just causes anxiety and distrust. I'm tired of having the same conversations, he just doesn't seem to get it. He just deflects and says but look at all the other good changes I've made. I fear he is never going make the changes I need to move forward.

The thing is this: He can't go back to normal. "Normal" has been profoundly changed by his actions. You and he basically now have to redefine what "normal" means. anthropoidape is completely correct in this: you can't just make yourself trust again. Trust has to be earned.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
Quote 1 0
MITM
Damaged wrote:
My H and I do not send text messages to members of the opposite sex. If I need to send a text to a male married friend I also included the wife in a group text. My H does the same. He clearly understands that he can’t be ‘ friends ‘ with women . Its a boundary that is not crossed. 

Seems to me the word 'boundary' is the key one. It doesn't really matter (IMO) how and where you set that boundary, as long as there is one. People who are open to an affair, physical or emotional, in some way reach out for it. It doesn't happen by accident - they choose it. And exactly what the route is - texts, Facebook, phone calls, work meetings, whatever - doesn't matter very much at all, at least not for me.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
Quote 0 0