Crushed
I dont feel that I am overreacting but I am just so hurt and furious.  My WS has been out of house now for 3 weeks at my request.  I was having bad morning and was texting with him. 1st mistake.  And after several issues came up.  I asked if she just wanted to be called pet and he put the sweet in front of it.  Now he has told me for 3 years that she wanted to be called that he only called her that because she demanded it. And he had to to keep the sex going.   Now he says that he was the one to come up with it for her.  I say that he has lied to me for 3 years.  He says he dont understand that I want the truth and then I get mad about it.  Which is true but I wanted it 3 years ago, he withheld information and lied about it the whole time.  I feel that he has stole from me that I would never have been intimate with him if I had known the truth.   What do you think am I overreacting 
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hurting
This is so hard... 

Any New information has the ability to bring you right back to the feelings of d-day. The WS don’t seem to realise it, but any time they are caught in a lie, it’s a HUGE set back because of the loss of the trust that you have been very slowly building back up through the process of reconciliation. 

Finding new information at the 6 month mark nearly made me run into traffic and end it there and there. Ultimately, it is what pushed me to get the post-nup done. I was so over his crap. It’s like they are offered this incredibly rare chance that they in NO way deserve, with us telling them, begging them to TELL US THE TRUTH! But because they’re too cowardly, they continue to lie ‘so that we don’t get angry and they don’t ‘lose’ the chance’. 

You have every right to be angry and call it quits. So no, I don’t think you’re over reacting at all. Because this is about more than some stupid name he called her. This is about the fact that he has continued to lie to you during reconciliation. He has lost your trust again. 

Yes its true you get mad on hearing the truth. So what?! It’s because he withheld the truth from you during reconciliation- THAT is the problem here! Of course you will feel angry and like you have wasted the last 3 years because he’s still lying. 
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Crushed
I'm just so tired of dealing with it all.  I'm ready to quit.  He actually thinks he should get pat on back for telling the truth.  It's just unbelievable 
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ThrivenotSurvive
There are a lot of red flags in this.

#1 - Three years after DD you are clearly still so suspicious that you are still asking questions at this level.  That shows that your gut KNOWS he's still being untruthful and that you are trapped in fight or flight a lot of the time.  

#2 - You were/are obviously right.

The truth is it IS easier for WS's to be honest when you can provide them with an environment where that feels safe.  If you always go immediately ballistic - human nature tells you that people who are weak-natured are going to keep things they know will make you angry to themselves from then on. 

I did my best to try and not punish my husband for being honest.  Do I think that should be required of BSs? HELL NO.  It was certainly helpful in allowing my husband to gain the confidence that being honest WAS actually the way back to each other (and not the fastest way to divorce).  But he didn't necessarily DESERVE that effort I made.  I made it for ME, because I wanted to know the truth and knew it was the best way to get it - and because I wanted a chance at reconciliation.  If I hadn't wanted those two things - I wouldn't have made ANY such effort.

My short answer to your question is NO - you aren't overreacting.  If I found out new information (and particularly about something that I had previously asked about and had been lied to), I would leave at this stage.  My husband was given NUMEROUS opportunities in the first two years to come clean.  I even sat him down after we were doing pretty well in year two and said that if there was ANYTHING he'd been scared to tell me earlier NOW was the time.  That I would treat it as in the past - and give him credit for being honest.  But that if I found it out later - I'd be done.  That it was a do or die sort of moment.  And I meant it.

I don't know your story well, but I can hear your anger, pain - and even more clearly your considerable disdain for this man.  Forgive me, but if that is the point you are at THREE YEARS later - something is REALLY wrong.  For reconciliation to be successful there needs to be SOMETHING to build upon.  Some small sliver of love or respect or friendship to hang on to.  I hear NONE of those things in your posts.  And it doesn't sound like he's done much to EARN any of those things from you.  

It reminds me of a story I read in a book about life "after DD".  One woman tried reconciliation and in her case she had a very repentant WS who did everything he could think of to repair the relationship.  But she finally realized that she looked at him like fish dropped on the floor.  She said that if she dropped a cracker on the floor, she might blow it off and still eat it.  But if she accidentally dropped fish on the floor, she'd throw it out.  She realized after a few years that HE was that fish.  No matter what he did, she just couldn't see him as "clean" again.  He was still that fish.  

From your posts I gather that your WS has NOT done everything he can to heal you and your relationship.  You still feel that he can't be honest (and today were handed proof.)  

May I ask - what are your reasons for wanting reconciliation?  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Crushed
I'm not sure I want reconciliation.  I'm just afraid to be alone. I guess I'm to the point of I know what I have to do but it was not what I wanted and not what I had planned for my life. I'm sure you are right I have no trust, no love, no respect,  left for him.  The last 3 weeks since he has been out of house I think I am doing better with the alone part.  Nothing is going to change and I know this. I guess maybe I am ashamed that all my close friends have all been married as long as I have and I will be a failure.

My children live away from me one 2 hours the other 8.  But I have my 4 little dogs (money making scheme gone wrong lol) and they are all the comfort I need .
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triplehooks
Crushed, that failure is ALL his. 

I know that struggle of being handed circumstances you didn’t want (your cheater) and being forced to choose between two things you don’t want (you don’t want a cheater and you never wanted divorce). 

It just sucks. And they suck for doing this. 

There should be an island they all get sent to...
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anthro
Crushed wrote:
guess maybe I am ashamed that all my close friends have all been married as long as I have and I will be a failure.


Think of it more as the difference between being a public failure vs a secret failure 🙂
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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ThrivenotSurvive
Crushed wrote:
I'm not sure I want reconciliation.  I'm just afraid to be alone. I guess I'm to the point of I know what I have to do but it was not what I wanted and not what I had planned for my life. I'm sure you are right I have no trust, no love, no respect,  left for him.  The last 3 weeks since he has been out of house I think I am doing better with the alone part.  Nothing is going to change and I know this. I guess maybe I am ashamed that all my close friends have all been married as long as I have and I will be a failure.

My children live away from me one 2 hours the other 8.  But I have my 4 little dogs (money making scheme gone wrong lol) and they are all the comfort I need .


I get that - I do.  But you are more alone right now than you would ever be if you divorced.  There is NOTHING that feels worse than being utterly emotionally alone IN A MARRIAGE.  And staying in this painful, angry limbo is keeping you from building a NEW life - one that has purpose and meaning - and joy.  

I was so sure that I wanted a divorce after DD that I told everyone in my close circle - family/friends.  I did everything but announce it on Facebook (not my style.)  When I surprised myself (and everyone else) and did a 180 towards giving reconciliation a chance I think this freed me up.  Everyone already KNEW - maybe not the gory details - but they knew he'd been unfaithful and we were divorcing.  So - in some ways the pressure was off.  At this point, I'd likely be judged by some people which ever way I went.  But frankly, I knew it was more likely I'd be judged for STAYING - not leaving.  

So, I HAD to find a way to stop caring two sh**ts about what people thought and do what I thought was best FOR ME.  

That is what you need to do now.  Train yourself to think it terms of YOUR legacy.  When you are laying on your deathbed, do you want to know you looked good in the neighbor's eyes - or that you made a life of value for YOURSELF regardless of whatever crap sandwich life handed you?  What will make you proud of yourself in 20 years?

This isn't fair - nothing about infidelity is fair.  But nothing about car accidents, disease, 401ks being wiped out in financial downturns, people being swindled, etc. is fair.  In other words - sooner or later we all have to deal with at least one (and usually more) deeply unfair blows in life.  After we allow ourselves time to grieve that pain and loss, it's time to get back to rebuilding ourselves and our life.  

Right now, as best I can see (and I could DEFINITELY be wrong) your WS has got WAYYYYYY too much of your attention.  Too much of your mental and emotional energy revolves around being hurt and angry with him.  This gives him FAR TOO MUCH POWER OVER YOUR LIFE.  It is time to start distancing yourself from him.  Either divorce him or at a minimum do a hard 180 and start creating a life of meaning without him.  I have found that one of the quickest ways to get out of my own head (and my husband's in the early days) is to help others.  It also has an uplifting effect on the spirit and has been proven to help with depression,  Find an organization you like and volunteer to help others.  Take a class in something that interests you.  Reconnect with friends.  Get in your car and go visit those kids.  Consider moving closer to them if it would bring you happiness. 

Run TOWARDS something (your new life) rather than away from something (him.) This is a matter of perspective.  On one hand, it could be a failure of a long term marriage.  On the other hand, it could be a story of a woman who wouldn't settle for less than she deserved and fought to make a BEAUTIFUL, RICH, HAPPY life for herself after she realized her husband wasn't the man she thought he was.  Let him deal with being the mess he currently is - and you become someone others look up to because you took adversity and made it a stepping stone to a better life.   

When you hear stories about someone who was swindled by a lover, or lost a leg in an accident - or some other adversity and then went on to make a better life for themselves, do you pity them?  Or do you marvel at their strength?  I listened to book after book, podcast after podcast about THESE kind of people in the days after DD.  They were my role model.  

I saw a quote recently that resonated - it said "When something bad happens you have three choices.  You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you."  Don't let HIS mistakes, HIS failures define or destroy YOU.  He does not deserve that power.  

FYI - The sad truth is there may be friends of yours who you think may "pity" you for getting divorced who secretly aren't that happy - and wish they could start on a new adventure.  I hope not, for their sake - but odds are there are at least one or two.  In addition, the REAL friends who are happy in their marriages will not PITY you - they will feel compassion for you.  They will know good and well that "there but for the grace of GOD."  In other words, that they were just LUCKY to have chosen a spouse that has continued to grow in emotionally healthy ways vs. get lost in their own character faults.  NONE of us could know who our spouses would grow into with certainty.  And those in long marriages know that better than most.  

I hope some of this helps  I know this is REALLY, REALLY hard - but you deserve better.  A LOT better.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Crushed
Thank you  I'm just having such a hard time. I just had gastric bypass surgery and asked him to leave week after because he was being such a a** and I couldnt deal with it and him too.  It was a good decision on my part because since dday my stomach has been so upset that I was constantly sick  It is so much better now and I have lost 40 pounds (maybe I should say 290 pounds lol) and i am not sick.  Whether that be to surgery or telling him to leave i dont know.   But i do know that i need to get my s**t together.  I have blocked his number from my phone and i am going to daughters for Thanksgiving.  First time in 37 years i will be eating Thanksgiving dinner without him. I have started to decorate house for Christmas  i havent done much decorating in 3 years but i am going to do it for me this year.  I am going to try my best to follow what you  say and start living life by what i want from it.  Hopefully i will keep my resolve.
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ThrivenotSurvive
Reach out here or in a direct message if you need support.  It won't be easy - no huge change ever is - but it will be worth it.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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