VoodooChild
If you had the opportunity to see all the messages between ur WS and their lover, would you want to see it? Would it help heal or hurt?

I find that my mind pulls me back to the pain as a defense mechanism when I start feeling close and comfortable with my WS who I'm attempting to reconcile with. I know it's because I can't be hurt as badly or played for the fool I was for the 1 1/2 years he had an affair if I never fully take the risk of buying back in. I have an underlying doubt and fear the I'm missing something important. My WS is working hard to understand why he had the affair and gains insight everyday. He's remorseful and loves me but I don't think I'll ever trust him, or anyone for that matter, the way that I did prior to DDAY.
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Anna26
VoodooChild wrote:
If you had the opportunity to see all the messages between ur WS and their lover, would you want to see it? Would it help heal or hurt? I find that my mind pulls me back to the pain as a defense mechanism when I start feeling close and comfortable with my WS who I'm attempting to reconcile with. I know it's because I can't be hurt as badly or played for the fool I was for the 1 1/2 years he had an affair if I never fully take the risk of buying back in. I have an underlying doubt and fear the I'm missing something important. My WS is working hard to understand why he had the affair and gains insight everyday. He's remorseful and loves me but I don't think I'll ever trust him, or anyone for that matter, the way that I did prior to DDAY.


I think a lot of us have wondered things like this.  And we've probably all come across the odd message or text or two when we were in detective mode and that's been upsetting at the time. It's like when the BS wants to know everything, all the minute details, all the how, why, when, right down to all the most personal stuff. You think it will help you put everything into perspective and answer all your questions.  But once you know it, there's no forgetting it and the things you find out could haunt you for the rest of your marriage or even your life. And I think for every question you get answered, theres another, just waiting in the wings for it's turn in the spotlight.
I don't know that reading the messages would heal, I think they would probably always be at the back of your mind.  You may find that in time, like me, the need to know everything fades away, and maybe that's a good thing.
But be very careful what you ask for, you could be better off not knowing.
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awaggoner1999
QUESTION:
If you had the opportunity to see all the messages between ur WS and their lover, would you want to see it? Would it help heal or hurt? 


In my feverish mode of detective, I discovered enough to determine that my WS had been very busy away from our marriage.  I don’t want to know all the nitty gritty and reading texts, would not be helpful to my healing- personally.

What I need from my WS is transparency, accountability, respect, and flat out honesty and at present, he is unable to provide any of it. The aforementioned needs would go a long way towards the process of healing. At this juncture, seeing hidden love tryst dialogues between my WS and his AP would do little to help, unless it was to simply verify that indeed there was a relationship when/where he was saying there wasn’t. So it may provide some level of vindication; however,  I would expect him to be honest with me about whatever I asked about regarding the relationship and not rely upon those texts (because if he lies to me, he could lie to her).

I believe lies hurt over and over again, while the truth hurts once…you will remember the lies and feel the pain that stems from the lie, the motive, and so on and so on… the truth will sting initially, but it’s the truth, I can respect it and build from that…

Great question...

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Dirazz
I don't think I would want to see all of their sexting. My WS did tell me some of things that were said and it was enough for me. The bottom line was he cheated on me and it was done and over before I found out. But like I told him years ago the truth ALWAYS comes out.
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VoodooChild
I realize that there's nothing more I can really learn that would minimize or maximize the damage. There's nothing that was held sacred during the affair that I can hold onto as proof that j mattered or maintained any social status, unless you count that he didn't leave. I personally struggle to count that as anything because he wasn't present in the relationship either. Why he stayed I'm unclear.
He's doing a lot of healing and I'm involved in helping with that. The more honesty about his personal choices and situation I hear the more freedom and perspective I gain contradicting the belief that his actions were somehow tied to my inadequacies. However, I find myself searching for reminders of his in descretion when I start to feel a little too comfortable or safe. Underneath it all I feel like as long as I don't get too comfortable, don't buy in completely in trusting him then I won't be as much as a fool. It's that same part that looks at all the damage and asks why on earth I am even attempting to reconcile. The greatest damage is not what was done to the relationship but that I no longer trust myself. I have no confidence in my ability to see trouble before it arrives, so I can't protect myself. Somewhere in my mind it feels safer to hold onto the pain because to forget is too high a risk. Comfort is a risk, and a trigger because I was very comfortable prior to DDay.
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VoodooChild
In my feverish mode of detective, I discovered enough to determine that my WS had been very busy away from our marriage.  I don’t want to know all the nitty gritty and reading texts, would not be helpful to my healing- personally.


At what point does the feverish detective mode end? I'm maybe 9 weeks away from DDAY. Some days I feel mostly content to leave things alone but others I feel frantic that I'm missing something.
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awaggoner1999
Mine ended after about 2.5 months of fervent digging ...I realized that I had found enough to disturb my whole world.
Unfortunately what I found drove my WS to tell me that it wasn't what I thought it was and that I was making assumptions, so he had no reason to tell me the truth- he declared adamantly and with self righteous indignation.

To date, I don't have the truth, but at this point, it is useless to continue to pursue it; as I have accepted that my WS has no respect for me, our marriage, or himself. 

I think it ends when you feel that you have answers good enough to stabilize the unknowns ricocheting around in your head. I chose to end it as my WS felt his privacy was being invaded and he was extremely hostile. (ultimately, I realized he was too far down in his fog to be aware of how nasty he was being.)
Mind you, prior to our d-day, i had never broke that boundary. Our whole marriage I respected his computer, his phone, his mail, etc...I allowed him his privacy, meanwhile I was an open-book - nothing about me was a secret...( I think this allowed him considerable comfort to do what he was doing for such an extended period of time.)

SO answer to your question, I believe it will end when you feel a sense of emotional safety and truthfulness to what your WS says..and then backs up with actions.
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swinfree
I found my husband's texts. It is like reading the worst horror story ever written. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I know what he felt in his heart from what he wrote. Without seeing the texts, I wouldn't be able to understand what he was feeling for her.
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VoodooChild

To date, I don't have the truth, but at this point, it is useless to continue to pursue it; as I have accepted that my WS has no respect for me, our marriage, or himself. 

I think it ends when you feel that you have answers good enough to stabilize the unknowns ricocheting around in your head. I chose to end it as my WS felt his privacy was being invaded and he was extremely hostile. (ultimately, I realized he was too far down in his fog to be aware of how nasty he was being.)
Mind you, prior to our d-day, i had never broke that boundary. Our whole marriage I respected his computer, his phone, his mail, etc...I allowed him his privacy, meanwhile I was an open-book - nothing about me was a secret...( I think this allowed him considerable comfort to do what he was doing for such an extended period of time.)

SO answer to your question, I believe it will end when you feel a sense of emotional safety and truthfulness to what your WS says..and then backs up with actions.

I'm sorry awoggoner, he's obviously being an ass. Not ready to take responsibility for his actions and how they've affected you. I was like you, very respectful of his privacy, although I had no expectation for the same in return. I never attempted to look through his phone or computer accounts, listen in on phone conversations, etc. Like you, this gift of complete trust and respect of privacy only gave him the space he needed to create a second life with absolutely no thought of how this would affect me or the children. Such selfishness. It's disgusting and I will never trust like that again. Lesson learned. I hope you're able to do what's best for you, whatever that may be-to stay or go. I still feel that I'm drifting at times and feel many conflictual emotions. I love him and feel closer to him than we were before the affair. I wish that this could have been the relationship we had before the affair but there's no going back to rewrite history. Inside, is the quiet fear that this is too much to move past. Even if he does everything asked of him, it doesn't erase the past. Perhaps the hardest part for me to accept is all the terrible things that he said about me to others. He was so selfish and blamed me for everything. He told his family misrepresented details about our relationship that made me look terrible, some of his friends and of coarse the affair partner. All while I'm making excuses for his behavior to my family and friends so they don't see him for the Selfish narcissist that he was. To a greater degree, I rationalized his behavior to myself. Our four year old has really grown attached to his father over the last few months, seperation amd /or divorce would be hard on all the children (4 collectively) but the most devestating for him. I'm left with no good options really. I'm still so angry with him for putting our family in this position.

Like swindree has said, seeing the messages (and I didn't see them all) is like a horror story but what I've created in my mind may be worse than what was real. I think I could take a lot from the flow of their conversations. Read the difference between genuine caring and manipulation. If I could at least see the times that he said he attempted to end things...but since the OW is where most all of the messages I received came from they were pretty one sided. All I have is his word that he tried to end things several times, naturally his words don't carry much weight. I want a window into the world that I was purposefully kept out of. Who is or was this man I married?

I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Some days are better than others, but I question how anyone or any relationship could recover from this. Is it unhealthy to want to reconcile with someone who we know is capable of this kind of destruction to the people he claims to love? There's not even an illusion of dedication or loyalty. He's really changing and becoming a better person. His life should improve as a result of this but I only seem jaded, Less trusting, having Loss of hope in the goodness of people, and little inner confidence. It's sad because those were some of my favorite qualities in myself. I'm grieving who I was...He didn't know who he was when the affair started and now I'm there with him. I don't recognize myself anymore.

WS, why did you stay with your spouse? Whether things were really as bad as they seemed at home or it was the "fog," why not leave? My WS continued to live with me and the children, although miserably. He's telling me (at the time) that he wants to work things out and be in the marriage, even when I was fed up with his irrational behavior, and at the same time telling her the same things. That he wants to be with her and things are so terrible at home...why bother staying? If you truly believe that things are that terrible at home, that your spouse is so incompatible to you, and the new partner is everything you've ever dreamed what would even motivate you to stay? So much I don't understand.
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awaggoner1999
VoodooChild wrote:

To date, I don't have the truth, but at this point, it is useless to continue to pursue it; as I have accepted that my WS has no respect for me, our marriage, or himself. 

I think it ends when you feel that you have answers good enough to stabilize the unknowns ricocheting around in your head. I chose to end it as my WS felt his privacy was being invaded and he was extremely hostile. (ultimately, I realized he was too far down in his fog to be aware of how nasty he was being.)
Mind you, prior to our d-day, i had never broke that boundary. Our whole marriage I respected his computer, his phone, his mail, etc...I allowed him his privacy, meanwhile I was an open-book - nothing about me was a secret...( I think this allowed him considerable comfort to do what he was doing for such an extended period of time.)

SO answer to your question, I believe it will end when you feel a sense of emotional safety and truthfulness to what your WS says..and then backs up with actions.


I'm sorry awoggoner, he's obviously being an ass. Not ready to take responsibility for his actions and how they've affected you. I was like you, very respectful of his privacy, although I had no expectation for the same in return. I never attempted to look through his phone or computer accounts, listen in on phone conversations, etc. Like you, this gift of complete trust and respect of privacy only gave him the space he needed to create a second life with absolutely no thought of how this would affect me or the children. Such selfishness. It's disgusting and I will never trust like that again. Lesson learned. I hope you're able to do what's best for you, whatever that may be-to stay or go. I still feel that I'm drifting at times and feel many conflictual emotions. I love him and feel closer to him than we were before the affair. I wish that this could have been the relationship we had before the affair but there's no going back to rewrite history. Inside, is the quiet fear that this is too much to move past. Even if he does everything asked of him, it doesn't erase the past. Perhaps the hardest part for me to accept is all the terrible things that he said about me to others. He was so selfish and blamed me for everything. He told his family misrepresented details about our relationship that made me look terrible, some of his friends and of coarse the affair partner. All while I'm making excuses for his behavior to my family and friends so they don't see him for the Selfish narcissist that he was. To a greater degree, I rationalized his behavior to myself. Our four year old has really grown attached to his father over the last few months, seperation amd /or divorce would be hard on all the children (4 collectively) but the most devestating for him. I'm left with no good options really. I'm still so angry with him for putting our family in this position.

Like swindree has said, seeing the messages (and I didn't see them all) is like a horror story but what I've created in my mind may be worse than what was real. I think I could take a lot from the flow of their conversations. Read the difference between genuine caring and manipulation. If I could at least see the times that he said he attempted to end things...but since the OW is where most all of the messages I received came from they were pretty one sided. All I have is his word that he tried to end things several times, naturally his words don't carry much weight. I want a window into the world that I was purposefully kept out of. Who is or was this man I married?

I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Some days are better than others, but I question how anyone or any relationship could recover from this. Is it unhealthy to want to reconcile with someone who we know is capable of this kind of destruction to the people he claims to love? There's not even an illusion of dedication or loyalty. He's really changing and becoming a better person. His life should improve as a result of this but I only seem jaded, Less trusting, having Loss of hope in the goodness of people, and little inner confidence. It's sad because those were some of my favorite qualities in myself. I'm grieving who I was...He didn't know who he was when the affair started and now I'm there with him. I don't recognize myself anymore.

WS, why did you stay with your spouse? Whether things were really as bad as they seemed at home or it was the "fog," why not leave? My WS continued to live with me and the children, although miserably. He's telling me (at the time) that he wants to work things out and be in the marriage, even when I was fed up with his irrational behavior, and at the same time telling her the same things. That he wants to be with her and things are so terrible at home...why bother staying? If you truly believe that things are that terrible at home, that your spouse is so incompatible to you, and the new partner is everything you've ever dreamed what would even motivate you to stay? So much I don't understand.



Thank you...voodoochild
I moved out after giving 6 months of effort, at reconciling...i started IC and asked him to join or to get IC. He absolutley refused. He agreed he wabted to work, but didnt lift a finger in that direction. Even more insult, he continued contact with AP...so i said adios and packed up and moved out.
Attorney has been contacted and i will be filing soon.
I saw him a week ago ,by pure happenchance...he essentially behaved like we were ok and that nothing was askew between us, despite i havent seen him in almost 9 months. He appears to be still mired in his muck, and deadset on being oblivious to what he actually did.

So i wished him well and walked away. Didnt look back once.
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