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The past week my husband has been making a lot of effort to include me in his life. He is coming home and telling me about his day in detail. Where before I would ask him about his day and get answers like it was fine or busy or other short answers. He has also been texting me his schedule and letting me know ahead of time if he sees he will be late. He texts me when he is clocking out and on his way home.
I see the effort on his part and I've told him I appreciate it. I know he is doing this in part to help me learn to trust him again; however it seems like I have to have a little trust to start with or this means nothing.
My husband's last affair happened completely at work. The times they had sex even happened at work. So while I appreciate his effort and I understand what he is trying to do. How do I know it's true? I can't verify it. As far as I know he is texting me to say he is about to clock out, while he is pulling his pants back up.
I know trust takes time. My question is: Is trust like forgiveness, at some point do you need to decide to either trust or not?
All I can say is take what you can get. My hubby does/did the same thing, now that I type this, not sure why it stopped. Dday for me was April 7 2015 so it's very early still. He sends me a ' love ' text every morning, but if we argue he doesn't, I guess that's when the checking in stops too. He kinda has a child's tantrum, like if I don't show appreciation for what he is doing constantly he quits. I don't get why we the BS have to do soooooo much work in this. He is trying, but I know what you mean about how can we trust that it's true? I myself right now can't but I just take " deposits" of good things and put them into my " he is tryin" bucket. I'm trying to get that bucket to fill up of these things and hoping that when it is full some sort of trust will come back for me. Problem is when he screws up, like getting pissy if I have a melt down or an angry moment or an ' not sure I'm strong enough' moment and he throws in the towel like a 4 yr old, those good things get withdrawn from that bucket! Because than I think to myself is he REALLY in it? Is he REALLY willing to stick it out? I know I am I am willing to deal with all that was thrown at me, but is he. That is how my trust will be built up when I see he is man enough to deal with what he threw my way, my emotions, that I can't control from one minute to the next, the hole that he dropped me in and I'm having to climb out of. When he is able to deal with all of this than I know I can trust that he is remorseful for what he did and that he will never do this to our family again. Until than all I can do is sit here and work on me because It has been proven that I can not count on anyone except for God and these days I'm feeling real let down by him too
...My question is: Is trust like forgiveness, at some point do you need to decide to either trust or not?
I think the answer is both yes and no.
There is a sense in which you will have choose to take small steps of trust, otherwise you stay stuck. In little ways, you act in trust even though trust hasn't really seeped into your feelings about the relationship.
Years ago, the front wheel of my 21-speed bike flew off while I was racing on the street. I crawled to the side of the road and waited for the ambulance. Surgery was needed to put some things back in place and after some time of healing, I had to decide whether or not I was going ride a bike again.
The first time I got on to ride, I was nervous. The possibility of something breaking and causing unexpected injury was known to me. But I knew I didn't want fear to keep me off the bike, so I got on and started pedaling. Slowly.
That first act, and many more that followed, was a choice to trust my bike again. I still felt afraid, especially whenever my speed started to get high. The fall kept playing in slow motion in my head and I FELT THE FEAR. But I chose to act in trust.
Eventually, the more I rode without accident, my feelings caught up to my choice. I still remember that accident sometimes, but it doesn't slow me down anymore.
The very fact that you stay in a relationship despite the betrayal is a first step of choosing to trust. Allow yourself to keep making those small steps. If your husband is sincere, your choices will be confirmed in the way he attends to you and commits to creating a safe place in your marriage. It gets better, but trust can take some time to rebuild.
By the way, the rebuilding of trust has very little to do with the promises being made by an unfaithful partner. They need to speak their commitment, but trust will be rebuilt by the consistent day-to-day investment in love & truth.
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