triplehooks
Married 23 years, four kids.  Backstory to our marriage is CRAZY fairy tale-ish.  Families were tied together before we were born. Knew each other growing up.  Nothing arranged we just happened to be in college near each other and hung out a bit (her brother was one of my best friends).  

In our various communities we were a model family.  Me working, her SAHM, our kids are talented and constructive people.  Family is down to earth and welcoming and our house a center of lots of social activity.  On wife’s side her extended family is huge, plenty of relatives where we live.  We get together all the time and have a blast.  HER family valued me IMMENSELY, was very welcoming of me always and held me in high regard.  We are religious, but not Christians and our faith is MAJORLY anti-adultery, like, it’s worse than murder.  

Anyway if anyone should be free of this bull$hit we should.  We had ALL the advantages, no drinking or substance involvement, principal based living, lots of education, a loving, supportive extended family, and lots of lifelong friends a short drive away or frequently visiting the large city we live in.

So somewhere in early 2017 one of kids becomes close w a classmate at school.  They want to get together all the time.  We facilitate that, end up getting friendly with their family and doing dinner and outings and movies all the time.  Flash forward a few months our kids are enrolled in a sport together and wife usually takes ours there, and both of the parents from that family go.  Somewhere late in the fall only the husband starts going.  Winter break he helps w a project at home I can’t do because I’m tied up w work.  Kids are around and involved in that.  

Somewhere in there he and wifey start having conversations that get their juices going and they start talking on the phone all the time.  Then meeting clandestinely.  Then using sports practice and play dates and $hit to hang out all the time.  Finally they end up f@cking in our minivan a few times.  Who really knows what they were telling each other but she claims he was pushing it along. They are all liars so I don’t really believe either one is MORE culpable.  

She claims she was “in another world and not thinking, sinking, depressed”, and realized she was stuck doing something very wrong, ended it, and confessed.  D-day she didn’t seem like she even wanted to work on things.   But her depression claim doesn’t make sense to me, and in any regard it’s not a valid excuse, there ISN'T one.  We had everything and as far as me I’m a top 5% husband.  All the old school (100% breadwinner and a very good one) and all of the new school as well: a super loving involved parent, and PROACTIVE chore doer (dishes, laundry, diapers, grocery shopping...bacon and waffles on the weekends, SO many nights where my SAHM/W couldn’t get dinner together I was ALWAYS there w take out on the way home from work).  In trying to explain herself she goes back to things that happened 20+ years ago in our marriage, that we had dealt with multiple times (I mean MULTIPLE CHAPTERS) of therapy through the years, communication, apologies, changed behavior, healing (which seemed to be put to rest and we had breakthroughs about -- YEARS ago), and that I was "so consumed" with "MY" work (lol MY work, how DO YOU THINK WE AFFORD ALL THOSE TRIPS YOU WANT TO TAKE AND MULTIPLE KIDS IN MULTIPLE CLUB LEVEL EXTRA-CURRICULARS DAMMIT!!!!!) and having been TRAUMATIZED by my "emotional absence".  Kinda cliche -- SAHM chooses to have more kids than she can handle via anxiety ridden helicopter parenting style, is too needy to handle anything on her own and chooses to see husband working hard to provide while being COMPLETELY faithful and ABSOLUTELY devoted to his family (gives them all the luxuries and consumes NOTHING for himself, LITERALLY I DROVE THE BEATER AND SHE DROVE THE LUXURY mini-van with ALL the features) as a reason to seek something outside and f@cking in a mini-van.  SO.F@CKING.CLICHE

So this is the crazy merry go round we get on.


Me: ”I’m TRAUMATIZED!”

her: “Well you traumatized ME!!”

blah blah blah.  I call bull$hit on it because I know people who have experienced REAL trauma, abuse, etc., and she’s simply re-written history. 

So the first three three months after d-day I’m SUPER trying to find an angle to save this even though accepting this is TOTALLY AGAINST MY NATURE.  Like many faithful spouses, I'm stuck on the sunk cost investment and pain my children would endure if our fairy tale fell apart.  Of course I was ignoring how much better my life would be without a POS entitled a$$hole cheater in my life.   But she was playing timid forest creature, fraidypants, can’t talk about f@cking that idiot or anything, "toxic shame" avoidance games.  I'm so fed up with the pu$$ie therapists who enable this crap and don't hold adulterers to account for their crime (And they bleed you dry at $170 an hour for WHAT??  Not a knock on Tim -- he brings a lot of accountability to the table here).  It's a CRIME, not an emotional conundrum.  Her a$$hole paramour’s wife starts to flip her off wherever she goes.  I get protective and meet with her and tell her to knock it off and focus on the f@cktard she lives with and i’ll focus on mine.  

But day after day my wife can’t turn on the empathy and I’m collapsing, like DISABLED, unable to really get anything done, in complete disbelief and grieving the loss of 20+ years.  Really I start understanding that adultery VOIDS the whole investment you put in and started seeing how I would have been better off with someone else that whole time -- children aside (I love them more than anything).  At the end of three months where she is hiding from truth telling therapists and searching for (and ultimately finding) a sweatervest clad pu$$ie (old white dude) that won’t really challenge her, I’m finally like “no I’m not having this any more” and I give her the “get out and get a f@cking job” speech.  

She refuses to leave and we seek mediation through our faith community and that’s bureaucratic and slow and ineffective.  Nothing happens for months.  I write her a monster letter detailing every angle that I’ve analyzed the $hit out of and let her HAVE it, and gave her my ring.  I told her everything that disappointed me about her, all the “reasons” I had to cheat and never did, carved up her piece of $hit f@ckboy who I had investigated the $hit out of and exposed some of his lies to her, etc.  

At that point something seems to change and she started making more effort.  But honestly the efforts she has made haven’t been impressive and at the highest level seem based on self pity rather than anything else.  She’s in a place where she’s recognizing she f@cked up and she does own it but she still clings too much to the idea that it’s tied to a bigger picture and wants to find a way to put blame on something else so she’s not fully responsible.  

At some point I started talking to the other wife to REALLY triangulate their $hit.  We swapped immense amounts of info and she had managed to capture a lot of electronic communication.  So I was able to actually see and touch the turds of their bull$hit. I was also able to dissect f@ckboy down to his abusive history, $hitty parenting/relationship skills, awful family history, promiscuous sexual acting out, drinking problems, poor sexual performance, tiny dick size and STD "portfolio" (lol portfolio... what a piece of $hit).   I know that woman is in a world of hurt though as she was robbed of agency to make her own decisions about whether her marriage and family would continue in tact, faces a much worsened economic situation, and is mourning her kids' loss of an in-tact family (although she recognizes her x was a piece of $hit).  My wife can’t seem to come to grips with that side of it either.  She doesn’t grasp that she is a home wrecker and that family split because of her (and him of course) and their kids' lives are irreparably harmed.  She doesn’t even talk about that.  She got flipped off again just recently at school drop off and was incredulous the other wife would do that to her.  

We’ve been separated in home for going on 16 months. She sleeps in one of the kids' rooms and that kid sleeps with me in the master. The wife does all the domestic stuff and goes to therapy every now and then.  I talk logistics with her only and stay away from her.  I’ve been grey rocking her pretty hard since Sept/October last year after some useless recovery counseling sessions where she ducked responsibility and was not honest about having some level of continued contact with f@ckboy.  We had a counseling session in earlier this year where it came out that she had had recent text contact with f@ckbuddy, grieving over the fact she saw the other wife moving out.  I had data points that she had texted maybe once a month with that a$$hole since confessing, and on d-day I told her she couldn’t live here if she was in touch AT ALL.  So of course I was livid and left the house for few days over that.  I was pretty much done already at that point but I called an attorney during those days and made plans to retain and get going etc.  It’s been a VERY slow process and I am still dicking around w the agreement language and haven’t presented her with it.  Life gets in the way, spring break to the condo I bought for us and we finally took possession of AFTER her f@cking around (it was a development deal), visitors, graduation, my oldest leaving home end of summer and to be honest I am having a real hard time letting go, in spite of being decisive.  

So we’re in a $hitty limbo.  She’s the sorry cheater that demonstrates some regret but can’t get out of her own way blameshifting and rationalizing.  Hasn't figured out how to get past self-pity and move to pursuing what she wants.  She just can state a "want" but isn't exercising any magnetism.  I’m not a forgive-first type person and need to see her practice restitution somehow before I can go there, but I also don't have the answer as to what restitution is (hence my thread on what amends look like). But even if she were perfect, I just don't want a marriage where this is a part of it.  To me it's a character trait not a mistake.  I don't believe we allow things to happen that aren't in our character, but rather what we make happen is a MANIFESTATION of our actual character.  And I'm a CATCH.  I'm a kind, loving, man, with a myriad domestic skills, high earning potential, gifted musically, intelligent, creative, resourceful, hands that could turn a rock into putty, attentive and skilled in the bedroom, and I keep myself in solid shape through exercise and nutrition.  I don't NEED an adulterous woman in my life, faithful women will be beating down my door when I get on the market.  I won't go there for some time though because it will be better to be alone for a while, get my kids on solid footing after a heart breaking shake up, and regain my financial footing after parting with a big piece for cheater.  That whole model of 50/50 in cases of cheating is complete bull$hit to me.  Marriage is like the only contract out there that does not have a default penalty for breach of contract.  In my view a cheater needs to compensate their spouse in divorce for EVERY YEAR of opportunity cost they imposed on their spouse by invalidating their investment of time...the longer the marriage at time of cheating the larger the number.  F@cking injustices ABOUND in adultery.  Hence, worse than murder.


Meanwhile, I’m straight going after her paramour.  He’s a manipulative piece of $hit, a narcissist, his dick is like 3 inches and he has herpes 1 and 2 (wifey was tested, claims not to have it, I've heard crazy $hit about herpes popping up after years, so....), his dad was a convicted felon, f@ckboy was institutionalized multiple times as a youth for a variety of reasons.   He is a troubled soul no doubt, and has many vulnerabilities.  But I will show him NO MERCY.  You don't go f@cking married people with your nasty STDs motherf@cker.  No sir no how.  HE befriended me, pretended to care about my kids and family, and ended up rubbing his schwetty blistersack on my wife.  F@ck that!!! He's toast!!! I have developed an awesome method for going after types like him, that is 100% legal and non-violent and yet is an absolutely lethal rifle shot nearly guaranteed to destroy their lives... and no attorney will touch it on contingency, in fact it can't be litigated in the United States.   BWAHAHAHAHAHA.  When it hits the market cheaters will be spewing diarrhea in every direction. 

I'll eat my own cooking first and if it produces the results I seek I will actually turn it into a business in service of others.    They say to turn lemons into lemonade.  I say f@ck that make a lemonade stand INSTEAD.  Maybe I'll dump some percent of the proceeds into a foundation to support betrayed spouse anti-cheater litigation and f@cking wreak havoc on adulterers worldwide.  Can't f@cking wait!!!  Fun to dream anyway...

I lived a clean, honorable life and received THIS?  I was a near virgin when married and my wife was a virgin.  I never even consumed a drop of alcohol in my life (except maybe in medication like Nyquil).  We conceived a number of souls together through a sacred act that belonged to us and us alone.  And I'm now having conversations about HERPES!?!?!?!  F@ck that.  And F@CK him and a$$holes like him.  They can burn on their mini-dick blisters.
Quote 5 0
Experiencethedevine29
triplehooks wrote:
Married 23 years, four kids.  Backstory to our marriage is CRAZY fairy tale-ish.  Families were tied together before we were born. Knew each other growing up.  Nothing arranged we just happened to be in college near each other and hung out a bit (her brother was one of my best friends).  

In our various communities we were a model family.  Me working, her SAHM, our kids are talented and constructive people.  Family is down to earth and welcoming and our house a center of lots of social activity.  On wife’s side her extended family is huge, plenty of relatives where we live.  We get together all the time and have a blast.  HER family valued me IMMENSELY, was very welcoming of me always and held me in high regard.  We are religious, but not Christians and our faith is MAJORLY anti-adultery, like, it’s worse than murder.  

Anyway if anyone should be free of this bull$hit we should.  We had ALL the advantages, no drinking or substance involvement, principal based living, lots of education, a loving, supportive extended family, and lots of lifelong friends a short drive away or frequently visiting the large city we live in.

So somewhere in early 2017 one of kids becomes close w a classmate at school.  They want to get together all the time.  We facilitate that, end up getting friendly with their family and doing dinner and outings and movies all the time.  Flash forward a few months our kids are enrolled in a sport together and wife usually takes ours there, and both of the parents from that family go.  Somewhere late in the fall only the husband starts going.  Winter break he helps w a project at home I can’t do because I’m tied up w work.  Kids are around and involved in that.  

Somewhere in there he and wifey start having conversations that get their juices going and they start talking on the phone all the time.  Then meeting clandestinely.  Then using sports practice and play dates and $hit to hang out all the time.  Finally they end up f@cking in our minivan a few times.  Who really knows what they were telling each other but she claims he was pushing it along. They are all liars so I don’t really believe either one is MORE culpable.  

She claims she was “in another world and not thinking, sinking, depressed”, and realized she was stuck doing something very wrong, ended it, and confessed.  D-day she didn’t seem like she even wanted to work on things.   But her depression claim doesn’t make sense to me, and in any regard it’s not a valid excuse, there ISN'T one.  We had everything and as far as me I’m a top 5% husband.  All the old school (100% breadwinner and a very good one) and all of the new school as well: a super loving involved parent, and PROACTIVE chore doer (dishes, laundry, diapers, grocery shopping...bacon and waffles on the weekends, SO many nights where my SAHM/W couldn’t get dinner together I was ALWAYS there w take out on the way home from work).  In trying to explain herself she goes back to things that happened 20+ years ago in our marriage, that we had dealt with multiple times (I mean MULTIPLE CHAPTERS) of therapy through the years, communication, apologies, changed behavior, healing (which seemed to be put to rest and we had breakthroughs about -- YEARS ago), and that I was "so consumed" with "MY" work (lol MY work, how DO YOU THINK WE AFFORD ALL THOSE TRIPS YOU WANT TO TAKE AND MULTIPLE KIDS IN MULTIPLE CLUB LEVEL EXTRA-CURRICULARS DAMMIT!!!!!) and having been TRAUMATIZED by my "emotional absence".  Kinda cliche -- SAHM chooses to have more kids than she can handle via anxiety ridden helicopter parenting style, is too needy to handle anything on her own and chooses to see husband working hard to provide while being COMPLETELY faithful and ABSOLUTELY devoted to his family (gives them all the luxuries and consumes NOTHING for himself, LITERALLY I DROVE THE BEATER AND SHE DROVE THE LUXURY mini-van with ALL the features) as a reason to seek something outside and f@cking in a mini-van.  SO.F@CKING.CLICHE

So this is the crazy merry go round we get on.


Me: ”I’m TRAUMATIZED!”

her: “Well you traumatized ME!!”

blah blah blah.  I call bull$hit on it because I know people who have experienced REAL trauma, abuse, etc., and she’s simply re-written history. 

So the first three three months after d-day I’m SUPER trying to find an angle to save this even though accepting this is TOTALLY AGAINST MY NATURE.  Like many faithful spouses, I'm stuck on the sunk cost investment and pain my children would endure if our fairy tale fell apart.  Of course I was ignoring how much better my life would be without a POS entitled a$$hole cheater in my life.   But she was playing timid forest creature, fraidypants, can’t talk about f@cking that idiot or anything, "toxic shame" avoidance games.  I'm so fed up with the pu$$ie therapists who enable this crap and don't hold adulterers to account for their crime (And they bleed you dry at $170 an hour for WHAT??  Not a knock on Tim -- he brings a lot of accountability to the table here).  It's a CRIME, not an emotional conundrum.  Her a$$hole paramour’s wife starts to flip her off wherever she goes.  I get protective and meet with her and tell her to knock it off and focus on the f@cktard she lives with and i’ll focus on mine.  

But day after day my wife can’t turn on the empathy and I’m collapsing, like DISABLED, unable to really get anything done, in complete disbelief and grieving the loss of 20+ years.  Really I start understanding that adultery VOIDS the whole investment you put in and started seeing how I would have been better off with someone else that whole time -- children aside (I love them more than anything).  At the end of three months where she is hiding from truth telling therapists and searching for (and ultimately finding) a sweatervest clad pu$$ie (old white dude) that won’t really challenge her, I’m finally like “no I’m not having this any more” and I give her the “get out and get a f@cking job” speech.  

She refuses to leave and we seek mediation through our faith community and that’s bureaucratic and slow and ineffective.  Nothing happens for months.  I write her a monster letter detailing every angle that I’ve analyzed the $hit out of and let her HAVE it, and gave her my ring.  I told her everything that disappointed me about her, all the “reasons” I had to cheat and never did, carved up her piece of $hit f@ckboy who I had investigated the $hit out of and exposed some of his lies to her, etc.  

At that point something seems to change and she started making more effort.  But honestly the efforts she has made haven’t been impressive and at the highest level seem based on self pity rather than anything else.  She’s in a place where she’s recognizing she f@cked up and she does own it but she still clings too much to the idea that it’s tied to a bigger picture and wants to find a way to put blame on something else so she’s not fully responsible.  

At some point I started talking to the other wife to REALLY triangulate their $hit.  We swapped immense amounts of info and she had managed to capture a lot of electronic communication.  So I was able to actually see and touch the turds of their bull$hit. I was also able to dissect f@ckboy down to his abusive history, $hitty parenting/relationship skills, awful family history, promiscuous sexual acting out, drinking problems, poor sexual performance, tiny dick size and STD "portfolio" (lol portfolio... what a piece of $hit).   I know that woman is in a world of hurt though as she was robbed of agency to make her own decisions about whether her marriage and family would continue in tact, faces a much worsened economic situation, and is mourning her kids' loss of an in-tact family (although she recognizes her x was a piece of $hit).  My wife can’t seem to come to grips with that side of it either.  She doesn’t grasp that she is a home wrecker and that family split because of her (and him of course) and their kids' lives are irreparably harmed.  She doesn’t even talk about that.  She got flipped off again just recently at school drop off and was incredulous the other wife would do that to her.  

We’ve been separated in home for going on 16 months. She sleeps in one of the kids' rooms and that kid sleeps with me in the master. The wife does all the domestic stuff and goes to therapy every now and then.  I talk logistics with her only and stay away from her.  I’ve been grey rocking her pretty hard since Sept/October last year after some useless recovery counseling sessions where she ducked responsibility and was not honest about having some level of continued contact with f@ckboy.  We had a counseling session in earlier this year where it came out that she had had recent text contact with f@ckbuddy, grieving over the fact she saw the other wife moving out.  I had data points that she had texted maybe once a month with that a$$hole since confessing, and on d-day I told her she couldn’t live here if she was in touch AT ALL.  So of course I was livid and left the house for few days over that.  I was pretty much done already at that point but I called an attorney during those days and made plans to retain and get going etc.  It’s been a VERY slow process and I am still dicking around w the agreement language and haven’t presented her with it.  Life gets in the way, spring break to the condo I bought for us and we finally took possession of AFTER her f@cking around (it was a development deal), visitors, graduation, my oldest leaving home end of summer and to be honest I am having a real hard time letting go, in spite of being decisive.  

So we’re in a $hitty limbo.  She’s the sorry cheater that demonstrates some regret but can’t get out of her own way blameshifting and rationalizing.  Hasn't figured out how to get past self-pity and move to pursuing what she wants.  She just can state a "want" but isn't exercising any magnetism.  I’m not a forgive-first type person and need to see her practice restitution somehow before I can go there, but I also don't have the answer as to what restitution is (hence my thread on what amends look like). But even if she were perfect, I just don't want a marriage where this is a part of it.  To me it's a character trait not a mistake.  I don't believe we allow things to happen that aren't in our character, but rather what we make happen is a MANIFESTATION of our actual character.  And I'm a CATCH.  I'm a kind, loving, man, with a myriad domestic skills, high earning potential, gifted musically, intelligent, creative, resourceful, hands that could turn a rock into putty, attentive and skilled in the bedroom, and I keep myself in solid shape through exercise and nutrition.  I don't NEED an adulterous woman in my life, faithful women will be beating down my door when I get on the market.  I won't go there for some time though because it will be better to be alone for a while, get my kids on solid footing after a heart breaking shake up, and regain my financial footing after parting with a big piece for cheater.  That whole model of 50/50 in cases of cheating is complete bull$hit to me.  Marriage is like the only contract out there that does not have a default penalty for breach of contract.  In my view a cheater needs to compensate their spouse in divorce for EVERY YEAR of opportunity cost they imposed on their spouse by invalidating their investment of time...the longer the marriage at time of cheating the larger the number.  F@cking injustices ABOUND in adultery.  Hence, worse than murder.


Meanwhile, I’m straight going after her paramour.  He’s a manipulative piece of $hit, a narcissist, his dick is like 3 inches and he has herpes 1 and 2 (wifey was tested, claims not to have it, I've heard crazy $hit about herpes popping up after years, so....), his dad was a convicted felon, f@ckboy was institutionalized multiple times as a youth for a variety of reasons.   He is a troubled soul no doubt, and has many vulnerabilities.  But I will show him NO MERCY.  You don't go f@cking married people with your nasty STDs motherf@cker.  No sir no how.  HE befriended me, pretended to care about my kids and family, and ended up rubbing his schwetty blistersack on my wife.  F@ck that!!! He's toast!!! I have developed an awesome method for going after types like him, that is 100% legal and non-violent and yet is an absolutely lethal rifle shot nearly guaranteed to destroy their lives... and no attorney will touch it on contingency, in fact it can't be litigated in the United States.   BWAHAHAHAHAHA.  When it hits the market cheaters will be spewing diarrhea in every direction. 

I'll eat my own cooking first and if it produces the results I seek I will actually turn it into a business in service of others.    They say to turn lemons into lemonade.  I say f@ck that make a lemonade stand INSTEAD.  Maybe I'll dump some percent of the proceeds into a foundation to support betrayed spouse anti-cheater litigation and f@cking wreak havoc on adulterers worldwide.  Can't f@cking wait!!!  Fun to dream anyway...

I lived a clean, honorable life and received THIS?  I was a near virgin when married and my wife was a virgin.  I never even consumed a drop of alcohol in my life (except maybe in medication like Nyquil).  We conceived a number of souls together through a sacred act that belonged to us and us alone.  And I'm now having conversations about HERPES!?!?!?!  F@ck that.  And F@CK him and a$$holes like him.  They can burn on their mini-dick blisters.


triplehooks, I love you..💐

EDT 🌻
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ThrivenotSurvive
I have never understood the WSs who say they want to save the marriage - and yet act like it's a job for the BS to do.  Uh no.  I owe you nothing.  in fact, you owe ME far more than you will ever be able to repay.  Fight for the marriage and me - and MAYBE, MAYBE you will get a chance.  Maybe I can regain the love and respect when you've shown yourself to a deeply changed and redeemed person for a LONG time.  No promises, but maybe. 

Give me some lukewarm, meek attempt - and you are sure to make whatever feelings are left turn to stone. 

I don't disagree with anything you've said - or your feelings about what has happened.  But because what I really want for you is to be happy in the way you deserve, I will mention one thing that I found to be true for me (it may not be for you, so feel free to toss it). 

Anger can be such a positive force - it galvanizes us to take action, protect ourselves and establish boundaries.  God knows the first 12 months I had enough fury for my husband, the AP and everyone even peripherally involved that I marvel I didn't explode.  But I did find that at some point, the anger wasn't helping me any more.  Instead it was taking all my emotional energy that used to go to ME - fostering my creativity, dreaming about my future, etc.  And it was giving the worst thing that ever happened to me - and the people involved - WAY too much time in my head.  I decided that the old adage was true - the opposite of love isn't hate.  It's indifference.  And I began to move the focus off of them - and what they had done to me - and focused rather on who I was and what I deserved going forward - come hell or high water.  All the energy that had, for the past year, gone into elaborate fantasies of revenge or karma coming home, became a 100% focus on making a life that brought me joy. 

I am NOT saying not to be angry or follow through on every plan you have.  Until I was ready not a damn soul could have helped me release the anger - and nor should they have.  I think it was an important part of my healing.  I only share to suggest that you stay mindful of when it is SUPPORTING YOU, and if at any time it stops being a force for goo in YOUR life, if it starts to take more from you than it gives, it may be time to let it go.  Because you deserve happiness even more than they deserve karma.  


   
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 0 0
EasyAsABC
I’ve seen your posts a lot, and have always wondered how you’ve come into the knowledge of your wife’s APs STD status. 
And regardless of how you got that information, I also wonder if you broadcast it in real life the way you do here. 
I only ask because he could have grounds for litigation if you’re spreading that information publicly, especially (but not only) if it’s not actually true.
I’m not sure how educated you are on the subject so I apologize if this comes off condescending, but serological HSV testing does not a diagnosis make. In fact, for it to be reportable to the state (I’m assuming you’re in the US, forgive me if you’re not) a positive CULTURE is the only testing they will accept for confirmation. And the only form of HSV that is reportable is HSV2. Serological testing is inaccurate (false positives AND negatives), has a high percentage of cross reactivity, and means pretty much nothing without clinical corroboration. This is why HSV testing has been removed from standard STD panels nation wide.
A person with a positive HSV 1/2 antibody screen does not have clinically diagnosable herpes until they have an outbreak that can be cultured for confirmation. And even if he’s had confirmatory cultures, spreading that information in a real world setting (not anonymously here), can come back to haunt you. 
I only bring this up because 1) the number of people that understand herpes diagnosing is small and 2) I really hate to see BSs on here opening themselves up for more nightmares (like getting sued for defamation or invasion of privacy/public disclosure of private facts). 
Sorry for the tangent. I've just spent the last nine years working in a clinical lab setting and wanted throw my two cents out there.
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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triplehooks
Thanks ETD.  That’s sweet

Thrive you have a lot of wisdom.   Thanks for your input.  Yeah I’ve given a lot of thought to all that and agree, basically.  I think it will run its course naturally.  

Easy I appreciate this input.  I know something about that and yeah it’s a slippery one that HSV.  Knowing that I actually do not fully trust my wife’s neg result and believe it’s not 100% certain that she DOESNT have it.  Regarding f@cktard’s status I can’t say how I know but the info source is bankable. Then beyond that it’s was retrospectively better.  Apparently he and wifey even talked about it and sadly she knew ahead of time but “wasn’t thinking”.  And thank you for raising the defamation/libel issue but I have the best attorneys money can buy on that topic and know exactly where the line is.  Like most things I’ve ever launched, these details are fully vetted up front.    
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triplehooks
“Better” above is a typo. Should say “vetted”. 
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Keepabuzz
Triplehooks,
    Your story and mine have many similarities, up to d-day. My wife’s behavior after d-day has been quite different than yours. I think you and I are very similar in many ways. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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triplehooks
Keep, I read you for over a year before I started posting.  I agree, very similar.  
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Keepabuzz
triplehooks wrote:
Keep, I read you for over a year before I started posting.  I agree, very similar.  


It’s good know that some positive can come from this dumpster fire!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Skelling
Keepabuzz wrote:


It’s good know that some positive can come from this dumpster fire!


dumpster fire that describes it pretty well. Thanks for that
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Hurt1
Would love to know your method for going after the paramour.  

I also agree that if the contract is defaulted on, an additional percentage of assets above 50% should go to the betrayed spouse for every year of investment in the marriage.  Would love to see this made into law. I was married for over 30 years and that would have had a big impact on the outcome.
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