AnywhereButHere
Last night my wife and I are watching an old western from the 1950s. Right there in big red letters in the opening credits, the editor had the same first and last name of my wife's AP. I reacted with an annoyed, "Oh, Key-rap!". She was distracted and didn't notice me or the name.
BS, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
After 26 Yrs of Marriage
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pea
Ugh, gotta love when that happens. I hope you were able to acknowledge it, process it and move on. I have to work hard sometimes to not let it spiral when things like that happen. At work I have to send emails out to people and the first or last name is the same. I notice it and just think...ew and move on with what I am doing. 

I am having a trigger issue of my own. We leave for Germany in about 3 weeks (first time) and of course you know their specialty is beer. Well my H and the AP drank lots of LOTS of beer together. I never liked it before and despise it now. He rarely drinks it and has not had it at home since then since he knows it bothers me. He has never been a huge beer drinker, just on occasion, so it's not a huge loss to him. It bothers me smelling it on his breath knowing he kissed her and they both had 'beer breath' as immature and ridiculous as that sounds.

Beer (along with other things and simply being idiotic as one of them) is what helped lead him to what he did. Now, I know it's not the beer's 'fault.' We can drink wine, hard liquor, etc but when it comes to beer I'm instantly triggered. I'm really not sure how to handle this when we go. I have anxiety thinking about it. I told him I will try it, but I'm NOT drinking it with him. I know he wants to drink it and I am not going to stop him or anything even though it will make me uncomfortable. I will just handle it the best I can and try not to let it bother me. How? The ONLY reason I'm even trying it is so if someone asks then I can say yes I tried the beer. I have no desire to try it honestly. I feel very silly even writing all of this out, but either way it's emotionally distressing to me. I don't want to bring that 'with us' there, know what I mean? It's affected so much as it is.
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Skelling
Pea. I hope you will enjoy Germany. Its my home country and there are plenty of other things that are much better than the German beer. Just go for chocolate instead 🙂 or convince your husband to try the German wine. not sure what part you are going to but it is famous for some of its wine too. I get it though. My husband usually doesn't drink much wine let alone red and with that woman, he drank himself silly on red. So red wine is def. a trigger for me as well along with anything related to his past job. Just yesterday he proudly told a friend about an engine he had worked on and I just wanted to vomit. I went hiking in a state park yesterday with said friend and told my husband how hard that was for me as he had sent a picture from there, when we were hiking there with family of himself and our youngest to that woman. He just went out to lunch with the two colleaques that went on the trip with him, where the affair started. And then went back to the old company with them and I happened to see it as I had opened google maps and he was still logged on on my computer and therefore his location was shown. lost it completley. Triggers everywhere and out of nowhere. Some you expect and some just totally hit you unexpectetly. It sucks
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Keepabuzz
My wife’s former AP shares a first name with my best friend. 🙄. I have never uttered his first name around her since d-day. We are both ex-military so I just refer to him with his last name. It helps me, but also I think it’s a bit of a trigger for my wife because when I say his last name only she is reminded of what she did and her shame is triggered. That is not my cross to bear.....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BeginAgain
Just this past week we watched an old favourite movie we hadn't seen in a while. Guess what? One of the main characters, the 'bad guy/chick' had her name. After the second or third time her name was spoken, I mentally checked out. Didn't finish the movie and I will never watch it again.
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Greyes128
My best friend has the same name of my husband’s AP. For the longest time it was hard to say her name. My kids call her Aunt... so I’ve taken to calling her that too. Also we had margaritas with the AP, she was at my house several times and I can’t drink margaritas like I used too. They trigger but I did get a new and better recipe for when I do want one. 
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AnywhereButHere
HI Pea,

I was able to process and 'move on', thanks. It's a fact of BS life that you don't get to choose your particular slate of triggers and, invariably, there are going to be a few items on the list that are so very common and everyday that you just have to marvel at how they have acquired a new higher level of significance in your life. What you said about 'beer' made me think this. In her emotional affair, my wife was accommodating her AP's foot fetish - sending him photos of her bare feet...the appearance of which she always claimed to be embarrassed about. But now, as one of my triggers, I have 'feet' - anything focused on feet like a recent commercial where the two big toes of a pair of feet are talking about foot fungus or something. Immediately I think, "Wow, this must be my wife's AP's favorite commercial!"
BS, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
After 26 Yrs of Marriage
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AnywhereButHere
Hi Keepabuzz,

You bring up an interesting point about how trigger avoidance, like not saying your best friend's first name, can itself be a trigger. My wife's AP's first name is 'Jack'. One day, not long after DDay, she and I are grocery shopping and we're getting some cheese. We always get Monterey Jack and Pepper Jack cheese. But this day she comes up with something completely different and out-of-the-blue to buy and it was just so obvious that she was avoiding getting 'Jack' cheese that was sitting right there and that we always bought.

How did life get so stupid?
BS, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
After 26 Yrs of Marriage
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BeginAgain
My wife's AP's first name is 'Jack'.


Funny you should say that. My husband's AP named her fictitious fetus Jack when she first faked a pregnancy, then faked a miscarriage, then tried to extort him with fake medical bills related to the fake miscarriage. Crazy.
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AnywhereButHere
Added insult to injury: When your spouse's AP is bats**t crazy.
BS, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
After 26 Yrs of Marriage
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BeginAgain
Added insult to injury: When your spouse's AP is bats**t crazy.


Yes. On my lowest days I take a great deal of pleasure in how much misery those handful of illicit encounters caused him. Don't stick your dick in crazy indeed.
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ThrivenotSurvive
BeginAgain wrote:

Yes. On my lowest days I take a great deal of pleasure in how much misery those handful of illicit encounters caused him. Don't stick your dick in crazy indeed.


Hahahaha - this really shouldn't have made me laugh, but it is so true.  While all AP's aren't horrible people, ALL of them have emotional issues (the ones who know the partner is married).  Otherwise they wouldn't be an AP.

But I think the sad fact is that our WS's are also a bit crazy/stupid at the time they are making these decisions so they actually feel more "in tune" with crazy than with us at the time.  Like attracts like. 

I know my husband just shakes his head at his own self in retrospect.  He finds it hard to believe to he was ever that stupid.  But he was... 
But thanks for the laugh.  "Don't stick your dick in crazy" will definitely go into my "words to live by" collection 🙂
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Dirazz
This reminds me of something that happened early after DD. I was having a so called good day and wanted to go eat. I strictly went for food. My WH thought it was a date. Nope wasn’t even close to being ready for that. Anyway I didn’t say one word during dinner. Only to order my food. I just ate my food. My husband was shocked that I could go through dinner without talking to him. 
The waitress could see my husband wasn’t eating and asked if everything was alright. I looked at her and said he’s fine, he’s just sad because his dog named Rachel died. That was the OW name. She was like oh no! I’m so sorry. I said it’s ok it was her time!🤣  
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BeginAgain


Hahahaha - this really shouldn't have made me laugh, but it is so true.  While all AP's aren't horrible people, ALL of them have emotional issues (the ones who know the partner is married).  Otherwise they wouldn't be an AP.

But I think the sad fact is that our WS's are also a bit crazy/stupid at the time they are making these decisions so they actually feel more "in tune" with crazy than with us at the time.  Like attracts like. 

I know my husband just shakes his head at his own self in retrospect.  He finds it hard to believe to he was ever that stupid.  But he was... 
But thanks for the laugh.  "Don't stick your dick in crazy" will definitely go into my "words to live by" collection 🙂


Good to know we can still laugh at some aspects and your reply made me smile. 

My husband now can't stop repeating the mantra, 'I can't believe I was so stupid, WTF was I thinking?' At the very beginning, when he told me the gist of how things went down and how he was immediately overwhelmed with revulsion once the sex act was complete, I did feel a bit of pity for her. She certainly didn't see that coming - all hot and heavy for a couple of weeks, only for him to push her away and tell her he needed space once she got what she had been pushing for from the beginning. That pity quickly turned to the hatred I feel now and that isn't going away any time soon.

They definitely are on a different plain mentally while the affair is in full swing. While I get that some people believe the affair fog is a myth and/or excuse, I do believe sometimes it's very real. My husband went from being so caught up in the sexting and illicit meetings, so totally enthralled by a woman he would NEVER have looked at twice if she hadn't offered herself up to him on a silver platter (and if he wasn't so mentally checked out from our marriage), to shock and disgust in a matter of minutes. I don't know when exactly they had sex, just the week in November. But immediately after and over the following weekend, he completely avoided her, didn't answer any of her texts or calls. He ended it early the next week and blocked all communication from her. That is when the crazy started, when she suddenly 'felt pregnant' a week out from screwing a married man. Unbelievable the lengths she went to, to try and keep her claws in him. Apparently she made derogatory remarks when he asked her to leave him alone, that he wanted to work on his marriage. I have fantasies of running into her and punching her right between her stupid eyes.

I have been having a tough time with everything this past week, just accepting that it happened at all. If only he had had that clarity and determination to put us first, before all of this happened.
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Dirazz
If only is right! 
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