Courage Show full post »
BTW I texted the OW a week after DD to apologize for some names I texted her on DD and to tell her I forgive her.I told her I will pray for her as she must be so broken to engage in something like this.
She thanked me for my kindness and said she would be forever regretful of her behavior. I knew right away that it wasn't her that owed me commitment. It was my WH that needed to prove himself to me. But honestly I offered her kindness for myself but in small way I hope it helped her too. I was and am appalled at the way my husband treated her. I don't blame just the AP's. It's two broken people making bad choices that effect so many innocent people.
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I agree that there may be some women out there looking to pursue married men. My AP was, by her own admission, one of them. I found that out for sure, after the fact. I was never supposed to be a "relationship," but a fling.

Then again, so what? Honestly, I was in a place where I was vulnerable to the crap she was throwing my way. It wasn't the first time that had happened to me in my relationship with my wife, but the other times it wasn't even on my radar.

So, what had changed? Why this time? I did a lot of soul searching. A lot of self work, and therapy.

It turns out that stepping out on my marriage was the ultimate act of passive aggressive behavior. That's the weird part, because I can't stand passive aggressive people. I became something I hated.

You might be interested to know that all the crap my wife gave to me (all of which I completely deserved) is NOTHING compared to how I treated myself, or felt. See, in recovery you go through all the things. Self doubt, self reproach, hating yourself, forgiving yourself then letting go.

I'm glad your husband is working on himself. I just hope he gets to the point where the AP will have none of his energy. Right now there is still her part of the blame attached to this situation, and it seems like he hasn't come to the place in his recovery where all of that doesn't matter. I'll explain.

My AP sent me pictures. Naked ones. If she were to do that today... Well... She can't. She's blocked. But if someone else were to... Blocked. Without thought.

Why? Cause that's a line that won't get crossed. It's not their fault of I open that picture and go from there, it's mine.

Flirting? Not their fault either, if I accept and partake in it. Today I slam the door on that. Hey, I'm. Married and I love my wife. If there is even am inkling, it's dealt with head on. In a blunt way.

Touching? Inappropriate touching? Not even on the radar. Why? I'm married, and I love my wife, and I know that doing that will violate a promise I should have kept in the first place. See, back in my starting with my AP, I was under the mistaken arrogant assumption that it was no big deal, it was harmless fun, I could deal with it and maybe it would spice things up between me and the wife. Well, I've learned the error of my ways.

But make no mistake... I don't blame my AP for my situation. You know what? That's what she does. Ms he targets married and older men because she is looking for someone to take care of all her needs, attention, money, whatever. That's just who she is.

It's my fault because I let my guard down and went there... Went to a place I had no business being. But make no mistake either... I am not wallowing in self pity either. I made a very stupid decision to throw all my life away, but the good news is that I have a second chance.

And you know what? I don't give two sh+ts about my AP. She literally doesn't mean anything more to me than the random baggage handler at the grocery store. Thanks for bagging my groceries. Nice smile. Whatever. If you'll excuse me, I have an awesome woman to go home to now, one that I definitely don't deserve... But hey, I'm not going to think twice about being with her. It's like I won the lottery see, no one would begrudge their luck then.

Perhaps my AP would be horrified to hear I think so little of her. I don't care. Why waste another moment of my life on someone who means nothing to me? If that makes me a narcissistic person, well... In life you only get what you give, right?

(interestingly enough, when I was with my AP, she demanded that I treat my wife like that baggage handler at the grocery store. Ironic that it turns out I would treat my AP that way.)
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Make no mistake Kal my WH is very very hard on himself. He couldn't even look at himself in the mirror. He doesn't blame her he blames himself for being so weak. Before he became a RN we were both restaurant managers for 15 years in very busy well known restaurants. As you know Kal that's an environment that has a lot of potential for bad behavior. My husband had young girls flirting with him non stop. None of that seemed to faze him. He never bit or was interested. So what did change where this time was different? Well my husband started working night shifts because the money is better. However we became two ships passing in the night for 2 years. He got home at 7:30am and went to bed by 8:30. Getting up at 4:00pm and leaving again to work at 6:30pm. We got disconnected in all of it. When he was off he was always tired. I resented him being tired all the time. And I would tell him so. I became a nag about things not getting done around the house. I knew by the looks he would give me that it was pissing him off. But I didn't care. He told me recently that he felt like he didn't matter to me. He also said that it was up to him to express that to me to communicate with me. It seems as though the OW was there at the wrong time or maybe the right time? She was always there to tell him not to be too hard on himself and he didn't do any of those things on purpose to your wife. Give your self a break . Those kind of things that in his mind he was already thinking. She just gave him aframation that I was mean and demanding.

The story that I told previously was the one he told me. I asked him so she persued you? He said yes, but I didn't stop her. He said she was always the one that started the sex talk, but I was more than willing to participate. After the physical part happened he called it off and that's when she went ballistic. He told me his only thought was how do I get away from this place and her without my wife finding out any of this?!
He was on 100% damage control. Honestly I didn't believe she was the pursuing him. I flat out told him he's a lier!! The OW told me with out asking that it was all her fault. That she was the one that wouldn't leave him alone at work. I told her that my husband was just as much as a POS as her! Then she did something I thought anyway was strange? She begged me not to leave him. She told me he was just using her and he told her that from the beginning. ( nice guy right) That all he kept telling her was he wasn't going to lose me over there fling and that he loved me.She told me she was a horrible person for doing what she did. I had to agree with her. A week later is when I texted her to apologize for name calling and to tell her I forgive her and will pray for her and her two little kids.
Yeah I was pissed at her and hated her. But after I calmed down I came to realize how broken this young woman is. And somewhere along the line she thought and probably thinks her only value to a man is sex.
That's all she kept offering over and over again. And yes my WH is 100% at fault! He could have easily shut her down. But that's not the way it happened.
So now we see how strong our love really is how strong our commitment really is! It's hard work everyday, but we are getting there. But there is a reason why we are still here together. We both got away from God during the last few years. When DD came he was the first thing we both grasped for.
For US and I can only say what worked for us based on what WE believe. Once we reached out to God everything started to get better. That and couples counseling.
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This part got cut off of my last post. Kal I wanted to thank you for being brave enough to tell your story. You have helped so many of us on here. That's my goal is to help as many people as I can. The way I was helped on DD. Finding out about your spouses affair was like almost hearing you have cancer. You think death when you hear the C word. Well all I could hear was divorce when it came out. A close family member who I called on DD to come over because I was scared for my husband. I really thought he was going to take his life that night. They disclosed there was an affair in their marriage years earlier. They hadn't told a sole. But they were happy and very much together. That gave me hope gave us hope. I want to give people HOPE. As I know you do as well.
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That's why I am here. It helps me as much as it does anyone else. If anything, seeing the stories here keep me grounded.

There has to come a time where your husband let's go. He has to forgive himself for what he did. Yes, it was rotten, horrible, stupid, etc... But wallowing in that does nothing..
To quote a mentor of mine... Learn the lesson, crush it, and move on.

Hey I let the AP pursue me too. At first I was filled with self loathing. Actually, now that I think on it, today is the anniversary of the date I finally broke it off with my AP.

Make no mistake, it was me who broke it off. I remember it like it happened yesterday. She demanded I be with her instead of my son. She blew it right up and wouldn't conceed.she told me that we would ", evaluate" our relationship.

She was right. I ended it one year ago today.

But the point is, I also went through the whole gamut of emotions too... And worse, I actually felt bad because I thought I was crushing my AP with dumping her. How wrong I was. Like TimT wrote in other posts, it's sobering to think that I was arrogant enough to believe that I had shattered my AP's world.

Trust me, she's been fine without me. Meanwhile, I get to pick up the pieces and fix something I broke.

But the first step in recovery is accepting that it happened, and letting yourself forgive yourself so you can put your energies into making it right.

I hope that makes sense.
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I think if people talked about it more openly, you would probably be surprised how many people opt to work through an affair and save their marriage. Many divorce, but some definitely do not. I mentioned on another thread that I believe my own parents might have done exactly this. I think it's a big picture decision. The affair is a wound, but what about the entire history of the relationship and shared life? In casual conversation, people will advise others to leave, but no one can really walk in another's shoes.
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