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K46
Thank you for posting. I’m heading for 2 years November. Last week had a trigger that has made me ill, angry, sad, worthless all over again. Nothing WS says can take that away. I also don’t want to be touched. I do feel it would have been better if my H had left as I would have had to get on with it.  Because you can’t feel the same again. I don’t feel I’m desirable and I don’t feel my WS makes me feel that way. I get I’m here am I not, I would have left if I did not love you, I made mistakes (lots of women throughout our marriage I did not know about), I want to make a go of it.
Yet we are stuck. Partly because I have changed and feel different about things now and partly because WS expects all to go back to normal. If I have a trigger I just get you can’t move on, you can’t forgive. What he does not understand is that it’s not about that. It’s how the triggers make me feel.  The loss you have. 
WS try’s in his own way. Books a meal out. Etc. But that security has gone. My C feels I should move on and start a new life. Not as easy as that though. 
I wish I could wave a magic wand and everything would be better but I’m not sure that will ever be the case. 
It has taken all my time to get to work this week. I could quite easily pack up and give in. But I keep going for the kids. 
Is there ever an end to these feelings. Don’t get me wrong there are times I can lock the thoughts away and function but when a trigger comes it’s like something has caught you off guard and your not prepared for it. . 
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MC
Thank you keepabuzz and everyone else who has so thoughtfully commented. I've read a LOT, been in couples and individual counseling. I've taken enourmous measures to "do well with this". I have to say that reading this thread is one of the most beneficial things that I have done. Thank you all.

I've struggled with what to expect from my emotions. It is so helpful to know that uncertainty about when triggers will arise is normal. I know this is something that I will have to face for a long time with or without her.

Turns out we're doing really well, but I still get triggers. I think what helps me the most with triggers is this: triggers are a painful reminder of a traumatic event that elicit an EMOTIONAL response. My individual therapist has taught me to shift from emotional brain energy to rational brain energy. It isn't magic and works to varying degrees from time to time. I try to replace my emotional thoughts with these rational ones:
  • What happened was horrific, unfair and traumatic.
  • I am not to blame.
  • I am a great person with outstanding physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health due to MY efforts. I am a damn CATCH!
  • Our previous marriage is absolutely OVER.
  • We now have a better marriage than we have ever had before.
  • Our "new" marriage is not vulnerable like the last one became.
  • I am stronger now
  • We are stronger now.
Male BS, D-Day March 2017
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
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blyrobin51
mermaid wrote:


I woke up this morning with an odd feeling and this describes it pretty well. I miss those old feelings of adoration, respect, desire. Right now I am feeling complacent... like, it would be OK if he stayed but also OK if he left. He used to be my world, and he is not anymore. Like many of you, I am also at the edge of feeling guilty for having these "neutral" feelings. Shouldn't I be more upset at the idea of him leaving? Trying to just let myself experience emotions without judgement.


Don't feel guilt.  or do.....just feel without judgment ....you must NOT JUDGE your feelings...just practice sitting in them when they come up.  Its so very heartbreaking to have to dismiss the "fantasy" of my husband....the fantasy that had me adoring him, admiring him from afar, ...just the absolute adoration I had for him.....its gone.....forever.   no more butterflies when he comes in......no more giggly smiles when I see him.....I just don't look at him the same.  its horrible.  I miss it.    I too have "neutral" feelings.   Its easier imagining myself without him.....like I can really imagine myself without him.....that has never existed before...
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hurting
blyrobin51 wrote:


Don't feel guilt.  or do.....just feel without judgment ....you must NOT JUDGE your feelings...just practice sitting in them when they come up.  Its so very heartbreaking to have to dismiss the "fantasy" of my husband....the fantasy that had me adoring him, admiring him from afar, ...just the absolute adoration I had for him.....its gone.....forever.   no more butterflies when he comes in......no more giggly smiles when I see him.....I just don't look at him the same.  its horrible.  I miss it.    I too have "neutral" feelings.   Its easier imagining myself without him.....like I can really imagine myself without him.....that has never existed before...


this is all so true. I too recognise that the person I thought my husband was was nothing but a fantasy which has been shown to be false in the hard truth of reality. 

I do not get butterflies or feel that way about him. It is hard to think that is gone forever because I now see him for what he really is. I’m still young enough to find someone worthy. Maybe I can reclaim that elsewhere... with someone who treats me right...

It’s terribly sad and something that I grieve the loss of... I am wary of my husband. I see him for what he really is and it is so far off what he promised and portrayed himself to be that it’s sickening. I see him as the betrayer of trust. The liar. The one who promised to put me first and instead put me last and made me pay the price of his choices.

Yet that person I am seeing him as is not all. He is changing. The challenge is whether he can change enough, and whether I can see him for what he is becoming and changing into... my eyes are still drawn to the falsehoods and excruciating agony he has caused. It’s hard to look away from that.
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Phoenix
hurting wrote:


this is all so true. I too recognise that the person I thought my husband was was nothing but a fantasy which has been shown to be false in the hard truth of reality. 

I do not get butterflies or feel that way about him. It is hard to think that is gone forever because I now see him for what he really is. I’m still young enough to find someone worthy. Maybe I can reclaim that elsewhere... with someone who treats me right...

It’s terribly sad and something that I grieve the loss of... I am wary of my husband. I see him for what he really is and it is so far off what he promised and portrayed himself to be that it’s sickening. I see him as the betrayer of trust. The liar. The one who promised to put me first and instead put me last and made me pay the price of his choices.

Yet that person I am seeing him as is not all. He is changing. The challenge is whether he can change enough, and whether I can see him for what he is becoming and changing into... my eyes are still drawn to the falsehoods and excruciating agony he has caused. It’s hard to look away from that.

this is exactly what my husband tells me he feels. It is so painful to know I have caused this. I am soooo sorry you feel this way. I hate myself for doing this my husband. I pray that one day you can regain this. That your BS does exactly what he needs to do for it to happen. 
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hurting
Phoenix wrote:

this is exactly what my husband tells me he feels. It is so painful to know I have caused this. I am soooo sorry you feel this way. I hate myself for doing this my husband. I pray that one day you can regain this. That your BS does exactly what he needs to do for it to happen. 


I hate feeling this way... but he forced it onto me. I too, hope that he will do exactly what he needs to do and that I will be able to see it. 

Lately, I've been praying that I will not be blind, and that god will help me see clearly. Not blind to what he has done... but also not blind to what is happening now in front of me and in the future. Whether that is change or LACK of change and more cheating/lying. I want to be able to see clearly. 
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Keepabuzz
My Mom’s husband (not my father) had an affair in 2003-2004. It became public, she threw him out, he moved in with her for a few months.  Then they decided to reconcile.  I was not supportive. I didn’t live anywhere near them. I told my Mom to drop him like a bad habit and take him for every penny she could.  She didn’t, she went through this same shìtshow we are all going through. So when I called my Mom after I left on D-day, she “got it”.  She really helped me through this. She actually drove 4 hours to meet me the next day. She kept saying don’t decide right now, just re is no rush. She didn’t push me to stay or go, only supporting me.  She was amazing and I felt terrible because I had been the exact opposite for her. Anywho, that is the back ground.

She called me yesterday to tell me that she a went to the salon to get her hair done, and while she was waiting the former AP walked in and actually said “Hello XXXXX, You get your hair done here too?”  My Mom looked up and saw how it was and just looked back down at her book.  Not another word was spoken.  Amazing to me, I would have likely started swinging.  I told her how amazed I was by her strength. I was as supportive as I could possibly be. She handled it very well, but was obviously effected by it. After the phone call, I thought to myself how it had been 14 years!!!!  It just goes to show this never goes away, we just learn to live with it. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthropoidape
Keepabuzz wrote:

 My Mom looked up and saw how it was and just looked back down at her book.  Not another word was spoken. 


Mom has class. That's excellent. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz


Mom has class. That's excellent. 


A lot more than I have!!!!  Lol
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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hurting
Keepabuzz wrote:


A lot more than I have!!!!  Lol


Your mother is amazing. Yes she has class, and she’s STRONG! 

I just woke from a nightmare about the AP. Pretty sure I was physically trying to get to both her and my WS and claw their eyes out. 

How dare that woman woman even speak to your mother?! Her response was perfect. 
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Keepabuzz


hurting wrote:


Your mother is amazing. Yes she has class, and she’s STRONG! 

I just woke from a nightmare about the AP. Pretty sure I was physically trying to get to both her and my WS and claw their eyes out. 

How dare that woman woman even speak to your mother?! Her response was perfect. 


I know it. I am 100% sure that I’m not that strong. I think I’m strong enough to pass in a public place and as long as he looks away like the little bìtch he is, then I think I could just walk on past. If he looked me in the eye, or said a word, it would be go time.   
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
Keepabuzz wrote:
My Mom’s husband (not my father) had an affair in 2003-2004. It became public, she threw him out, he moved in with her for a few months.  Then they decided to reconcile.  I was not supportive. I didn’t live anywhere near them. I told my Mom to drop him like a bad habit and take him for every penny she could.  She didn’t, she went through this same shìtshow we are all going through. So when I called my Mom after I left on D-day, she “got it”.  She really helped me through this. She actually drove 4 hours to meet me the next day. She kept saying don’t decide right now, just re is no rush. She didn’t push me to stay or go, only supporting me.  She was amazing and I felt terrible because I had been the exact opposite for her. Anywho, that is the back ground.

She called me yesterday to tell me that she a went to the salon to get her hair done, and while she was waiting the former AP walked in and actually said “Hello XXXXX, You get your hair done here too?”  My Mom looked up and saw how it was and just looked back down at her book.  Not another word was spoken.  Amazing to me, I would have likely started swinging.  I told her how amazed I was by her strength. I was as supportive as I could possibly be. She handled it very well, but was obviously effected by it. After the phone call, I thought to myself how it had been 14 years!!!!  It just goes to show this never goes away, we just learn to live with it. 


Your mom sounds like a gem. 

In general, is she thankful she stayed. Is she generally happy? While this run-in certainly triggered her, it sounds like she’s in control of his emotions and she wasn’t destroyed by it. That’s hopeful. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Keepabuzz
ssix6pack wrote:


Your mom sounds like a gem. 

In general, is she thankful she stayed. Is she generally happy? While this run-in certainly triggered her, it sounds like she’s in control of his emotions and she wasn’t destroyed by it. That’s hopeful. 


She certainly is a gem. I think she is generally happy. I know that she still has tough days, and gets triggered occasionally, but she never mentions any of it to her WS anymore. She just does her best to keep it in the past and has “learned to live with it”.   The gift that keeps on giving, and no one ever wants....

She did handle this situation well. Although she is very different than me. She is a pleaser, I am not. She hates confrontation, I do not. So, if that situation ever happens to me, I’m pretty sure I will handle it differently. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ssix6pack
Keepabuzz wrote:


She certainly is a gem. I think she is generally happy. I know that she still has tough days, and gets triggered occasionally, but she never mentions any of it to her WS anymore. She just does her best to keep it in the past and has “learned to live with it”.   The gift that keeps on giving, and no one ever wants....

She did handle this situation well. Although she is very different than me. She is a pleaser, I am not. She hates confrontation, I do not. So, if that situation ever happens to me, I’m pretty sure I will handle it differently. 


I hated confrontation before this. I still don’t love it, but I do think I see its value. And, I know my strength, my weaknesses, and what boundaries I need. I don’t think I’d approach/respond to my husband’s ONS partner, but I think I’d stand up to him if necessary. If that makes sense. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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anthropoidape
Since d-day I have broken up two fights. In one case I kept the assailant there until I was sure the other guy (who had been punched to the ground) was fine, in the other case I kept both there until authorities arrived (one was charged by police the next day). I had never had to break up a fight before. There have also been a couple of instances where I've had close confrontation with really angry men (in a work setting). 

I've found I am just generally coming out swinging more often as well, but not in some generally aggressive or impulsive way, just that if X is right, then I am doing X and don't care if that involves risk or embarrassment.

I don't know if it's coincidence or just that the affair impact is on my mind a lot so it seems like the cause of every change. But I can't help thinking that essentially not caring whether I live or die is making me more of a magnet for situations where it seems necessary to get involved. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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