Keepabuzz
I was triggered pretty badly today. I don’t get hit this hard very often anymore. I’m a bit further down this road than some people here, so I thought maybe if I put my thoughts and experiences down here, it might help someone newer on this painful journey. In those early days, weeks, and months after d-day I searched and searched, and searched for a “road map”. What to expect. What were the steps. When does it feel better, or not as bad. There just wasn’t anything with the clarity I was looking for. I thought if I could describe the differences in my trigger responses, and the differences in what I needed to help with those have changed over time, maybe, just maybe I could help someone know what to expect, and/or make someone feel like they have have a kindred spirit here. Maybe it could even help WS’s deal with their BS’s triggers.

In the early months after d-day triggers only produced anger and rage. I existed in a state of deep sadness and pain, but triggers turned on the rage and anger.  What I needed was acknowledgement, and remorse from my wife. What didn’t help was even a hint of defensiveness, or ignoring it. 

As the end of year one approached when I would be triggered, which still happened all the time, it was a 50/50 mix of anger and deep sadness. Sometimes one or the other.  As the year went on I got less and less of the anger reactions, and more, and more of the sadness reactions. When the anger ones hit, I still needed the same reaction as in the early days from my wife, BUT when the sadness ones hit, I just wanted to left alone.  I didn’t want her to touch me or try to soothe me. Just left alone. Those continued on throughout year 2 and into year 3. All the while VERY, VERY slowly decreasing in frequency. 

As I moved into year 3, I got a new reaction. Triggers started to cause pretty strong anxiety. I still had the deep sadness ones, but the anxiety ones started to take over. When I feel like that, the very last thing I want is to be touched in any way.  The anxiety has been tough to manage. It comes sometimes without an identifiable trigger, and sometimes lasts for days. 

As I have now moved into year 4, I am not triggered as often, but they kinda of sneak up on me now. They take me by surprise. I have had a few angry ones, (not outwardly) but the anger passes fairly quickly, but it is replaced by anxiety. I still have some deep saddness ones, but that also seems to pass relatively quickly, but again is followed by anxiety. When they hit now, I just want to be left alone. 

Today was a sadness one, followed by anxiety that I’m still feeling now. It actually causes physical pain in my right arm and right leg.  It’s best for me to just not be around anybody while wrestling with it. I can be short tempered when I’m like this. 

This may not be at all like what anyone else has or is experiencing, but I thought if I put it here, and it makes just one person feel like they aren’t crazy, and they aren’t alone with this mess, or if just one WS changes their reaction to their BS’s trigger to a more helpful one, then it was more than worth my time. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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hurting
Thank you for sharing this. I for one, find it helpful to read about the road that someone like me might experience down the track. While mine are more of the anger and grief type reactions currently, reading what another who has gone through this hell has experienced as time goes on gives a measure of some kind. It makes me feel less alone.

I’m sorry you were triggered today. It sucks.
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anthropoidape
Sorry to hear this Keepabuzz. I have been hitting the wall a bit myself. Sometimes it seems like it's triggers, other times it seems like it's just that I am not keeping the truth buried enough. Lile the good days are just days when denial is more successful. 
 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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AnywhereButHere
I get hit with an interesting "boomerang" on those days when I don't feel as bad...the good days. I start feeling that maybe I don't care as much about our marriage as I should. I start feeling guilty for not feeling bad enough about my wife's affair. "You're wife had an affair...and you feel OK today!? Don't you care about your marriage!?" So then I start thinking about her affair until I feel appropriately bad enough.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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blyrobin51
its such a crap shoot.  I agree billg3436....its like I realize im not suffering, and that in itself is a trigger that sends me down the rabbithole of sadness.  more recently my bad thoughts have been around imagining what the AP looks like, or moreover, how my WS spent his time with her.  I know I will never ever know the real truth, or all the details, and I don't need to know.....but it is the idea of him enjoying another woman is kicking me in the gut......every time.   I am 2yrs 2mos out.    I have moments when I look at him and I know I have lost so much respect for him that it scares me.    I have lost the admiration I used to hold.    We have been in counseling for 2 yrs.  Things are much much better, we are working at our marriage.....but I don't have that magical feeling for him anymore....I don't have the girlish flirty butterflies for him and I miss that.  I miss looking at him with confidence and pride....I miss yearning for him.    
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Keepabuzz
My wife tells me all the time how I’m her world, her everything, can’t imagine life without me. Everytime I think to myself, you already have done far more than imagining life without me, and I certainly wasn’t you’re world, you’re everything. I just say nothing. She says she hopes someday I can tell her I feel the same, and I say nothing. I don’t see that day ever coming. I have imagined my life without her, I had/have it all planned out. She will never be my world, my everything. She shattered that view, and I just don’t see how it could ever come back after all she did to me. Don’t get me wrong, she treats me very well now, and has for a very long time, but there are thing that get broken and/or changed that aren’t fixable. All my eggs are in my basket now, and that is where they will stay...
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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blyrobin51
 I don’t see that day ever coming. I have imagined my life without her, I had/have it all planned out. She will never be my world, my everything. She shattered that view, and I just don’t see how it could ever come back after all she did to me.



I don't forsee my former view of him coming back either.  I miss it.  a lot.    and I pissed about it.
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surviving
We are five years out from DDay.  Just the other day, my WH went into the office to make a video for his class that he teaches.  It took about 15 minutes for him to start recording.  In my head, I just knew he was looking at porn, or contacting her.  It was a HUGE trigger.  Turns out it took that long to set up what he was going to say, etc.  Crazy that after all this time, triggers still show up.
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hurting
Loss of respect, admiration, trust, pride that your spouse is a GOOD person and will treat you as a spouse should, putting you first in all things... that’s all gone. And isn’t ever coming back. Because there’s no ‘but I’m doing it all now!’. Their actions have already broken and torn apart everything.

Trust is freely given to start... some people do not appreciate what a gift it is and trash it as a WS does. Once broken... it’s extremely difficult to regain. Add in MORE LIES and trickle truth... and it becomes pretty much impossible. It will never ever be at the level that it was at prior to it being broken, that’s for sure. 

That’s just a fraction of the price the WS took forcibly from their BS without thinking twice. It’s a hefty lifelong price to pay. Some people are just so incredibly selfish and stupid it’s honestly mind boggling... and/or so blind and stupid to the point of DELUSION that they think if they refuse to think about something (their BS’s pain and the consequences of their actions), it means it won’t happen (compartmentalising and suppression).

sticking your head in the sand and refusing to acknowledge reality much? A 5 year old child doing this I can understand... but an adult? Really?! Can you really be THAT dumb?
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AnywhereButHere
A few days ago my WS said, "Keep in mind, just because I was weak-minded and did fell once doesn't mean I will do it again." I kept silent, but thought, "You did this after we had been married for 26 years. So what is it about our passing our 28th year together that is supposed to have me thinking that we're now safe?"

blyrobin51: I know what you mean. I've expressed it as noting how the 'cutesiness' of our marriage is gone - the easy, casual "dancing and dreaming like lovers" (a Rush reference, I'm a fan).
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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hurting
Could be the wording there, but I would definitely not have reacted well to what your WS said. You did well to manage to keep silent... that’s beyond me for the time being. 

Keep in mind?! That it doesn’t mean you’ll do it again?! That’s EXACTLY what it proves- that you were weak enough to have been able to do it in the first place! That you aren’t SAFE! That you can’t be trusted because you ALREADY DID IT! Some people have enough foresight and self control to look at the consequences of their choices... and choose to NOT cheat. At all. Even when presented with opportunity. Others clearly lack self control and the strength to look PAST what they want in that moment to the consequences. A WS has PROVEN they are weak... and prone to this kind of failure. Keep in mind..?! Good grief. Yep. I don’t like that wording at all. 
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ssix6pack
Your presence and honesty is very helpful, Keep. I’m thankful for it. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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sheisfierce
Keepabuzz-
Thank you for posting this. I am not new to this site but just rejoined because I have recently had a very real trigger come up after 3 years since Dday and i am honestly at a loss for how to get through this. I thought I was doing well but I find myself waking up with nightmares at least once a week of the affair happening again between my spouse and his AP. I have found no evidence of this but can't shake this worry. My big trigger is that Dday happened to occur during my last pregnancy as I was ending the second trimester and currently that is where I am in my current pregnancy.
I am so worried about everything again, is he happy? is he talking to her? is he being triggered?  every possible question that can go through my mind has. I told him he stole the happiness I deserved when welcoming a child into our family when it initially happened but I never imagined this would be so triggering and still be stealing my happiness today, three years later. I don't know if I should talk to him about it, try to get past it or what. I feel like he will think I am foolish for still worrying or think I haven't made all the progress I have made in my own recovery, but I also can't help but worry and feel like the sadness is rehashing. We have been so happy for a good portion of the last year and a half. Please if anyone has advice, it would be much appreciated!
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mermaid
blyrobin51 wrote:
 

I don't forsee my former view of him coming back either.  I miss it.  a lot.    and I pissed about it.


I woke up this morning with an odd feeling and this describes it pretty well. I miss those old feelings of adoration, respect, desire. Right now I am feeling complacent... like, it would be OK if he stayed but also OK if he left. He used to be my world, and he is not anymore. Like many of you, I am also at the edge of feeling guilty for having these "neutral" feelings. Shouldn't I be more upset at the idea of him leaving? Trying to just let myself experience emotions without judgement.
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Vanessa
He abused you and viciously broke your trust - why should you feel "guilty" about having neutral feelings?
Loosing that feeling of adoration and respect is so very hard
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