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BorealJ
ssix6pack wrote:


such great advice. This was exactly how I felt when my husband first traveled to that town - not a fear of him seeking her out, or someone else - but my own response. I still feel I’m early enough into this that my dread is understandable, but I don’t want to stay here forever. 
And that's it isn't it? The fears are not really about those things we see as out of our control.  Rather, they are about ourselves.  How will I react? What does that mean about me?  Am I enough? Will I be okay? The good thing is, those are things we can influence.  We can work on us and our fears about ourselves.
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Keepabuzz
BorealJ wrote:
And that's it isn't it? The fears are not really about those things we see as out of our control.  Rather, they are about ourselves.  How will I react? What does that mean about me?  Am I enough? Will I be okay? The good thing is, those are things we can influence.  We can work on us and our fears about ourselves.


Exactly. You explained it very well. My wife had a hard time grasping that concept. In the early months when I would have to travel for work. My anxiety would start rising the day before I left. I would tell her, and she would reassure me that she was going to do nothing while I was gone or ever again. I would say, well I can never “know” that. I didn’t think she was going to go and do anything while I was gone. It was all the anxiety, PTSD, Intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, etc that I KNEW were coming. It got better over time, and I’m better able to manage it now. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Jennifer
Such good advice and insight offered here. My husband's affair started with a business trip as well and I went with him to the next one after DDay. What a disaster that was! Neither one of us was prepared for the emotions that were triggered while there. It is a phase we go through but it does get better as healing happens. 

I'm 8 years out and most times I can enjoy the time to myself or with my kids when my husband travels. I catch up on my shows and read alot. My husband has learned how to be more understanding and reassuring when he is gone. It was a learning process for us both.
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MC
This is really helpful insight for me. It's taken me months to realize that I mostly fear the traumatic emotions, and the uncertainty about what my new normal is after discovering her affair. I can say that today I am better off than I thought I would be at this time in the journey.
________
Betrayed Male
D-Day March 2017
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
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seventy7
Keepabuzz wrote:


I am the one who travels weekly for business, but my wife is the one that had the affair. I don’t have the option to “not” travel. I actually left on D-day on a business trip. It was a day earlier than planned, but the story was believable for the kids. I continued to travel almost every week. It was extremely difficult, because these were the times when she would see her AP after they got off work. I tracked her on GPS. I had her texting me when she left the house, where she was going, when she was heading home, etc.  I would occasionally FaceTime her to verify. Being on the plane was the hardest. Completely cut off. No way to check anything. Looking back it was all pointless, but it help me feel like I had some very tiny bit of control over my life. It was easier to not go into full rage mode with my wife if we were just texting back and forth. 

Looking back, I think it helped me stay. It was hard being gone, but I had a lot of time to myself. Lots of time to think, read, watch videos, read blogs, etc.  I took that time for myself. I drank ALLOOOOOTTTT, but that was the only way I could get any sleep.  


Buzz - hoping that I can get your insight on this. I feel that you and I have very similar feelings regarding everything, so your thoughts would be most helpful. 

My wife traveled for work last week, and a couple days leading up to the travel I could feel my anxiety building. Since D-Day, my wife has been extremely remorseful but did trickle truth me in the beginning, which delayed the healing process for us. Things have been getting better, but I still have some lingering doubts/insecurities regarding if she has been in contact with the AP since everything came out, or if she would even tell me if he did reach out (we had an agreement that she would, and its actually in our new marriage boundary contract)...This is where I made a mistake...

I decided to create a fake email account, under the AP's name, and send my wife an email. My wife and her AP used to work together and she had stock options at that company. I know the company was recently was bought out, because we had to exercise the stock options. With that info, i drafted an email that said that he was moving on from the company and if she ever wanted to contact him, to use the new gmail that I created. I also put in there that he would be coming into town in the next couple weeks, and if she wanted to grab a drink, to let him know. I ended the email with a saying/term that he used a lot in the emails I had seen before. Figured it would make it feel more genuine. 

I decided to send the email the day before she was going to head out of town. Now, mind you, we had been discussing her trip for a couple of days and how I felt it would be a great opportunity for her to earn some trust back. She was worried that I would leave while she is gone, and I promised her that if she did everything she could to make sure that I felt comfortable while she was gone, that I would do everything I could to make her comfortable when she gets back...When I sent the email, i figured that she would get it and let me know. Well a couple of hours went by and nothing. I have access to her email, so i went and checked and the email I sent to her was gone...no even in her deleted folder. I thought, well maybe she didnt get it. So I sent her a follow up email with some additional details, hoping that it would prompt a reply. I checked her email, but this time the email was in her deleted folder. I knew that she had seen it and deleted it. I waited another couple hours to see if she would say anything, but again nothing.  That night, while she was packing, I could feel my anger beginning to boil up. I asked her if she had any anxiety about the trip, and she said no...but I could tell she was holding something back. I then asked if she needed to say anything, and she just said no, she just didnt want to leave. I replied with, "well, you failed. I am filing for divorce tomorrow!". Immediately she apologized and asked if I had sent the email. I said yes, but the fact that she didnt tell me ruined everything. I was ready to walk out. We talked pretty much all night, and hashed things out. 

Her excuse was that she was getting ready to leave and didnt want to bring it up, because it would have been impossible for either of us to focus on her trip, knowing that her AP reached out after almost 8mos of silence. In my head, I was like..."but I sent it, this was the perfect opportunity for you to win some trust". In her mind, it was "oh ****, how do I tell you the day before I am heading out of town. You are going to think that we are meeting up"

I understand where she is coming from, but the bigger problem is why did I feel that I had to set her up? She has been forthcoming with everything up until that moment. 

I know that is a lot of detail, but just going crazy trying to navigate this journey...
Male BS
D-Day 11/1/2017
It gets easier as time goes, but the pain never goes away
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Keepabuzz
seventy7 wrote:


Buzz - hoping that I can get your insight on this. I feel that you and I have very similar feelings regarding everything, so your thoughts would be most helpful. 

My wife traveled for work last week, and a couple days leading up to the travel I could feel my anxiety building. Since D-Day, my wife has been extremely remorseful but did trickle truth me in the beginning, which delayed the healing process for us. Things have been getting better, but I still have some lingering doubts/insecurities regarding if she has been in contact with the AP since everything came out, or if she would even tell me if he did reach out (we had an agreement that she would, and its actually in our new marriage boundary contract)...This is where I made a mistake...

I decided to create a fake email account, under the AP's name, and send my wife an email. My wife and her AP used to work together and she had stock options at that company. I know the company was recently was bought out, because we had to exercise the stock options. With that info, i drafted an email that said that he was moving on from the company and if she ever wanted to contact him, to use the new gmail that I created. I also put in there that he would be coming into town in the next couple weeks, and if she wanted to grab a drink, to let him know. I ended the email with a saying/term that he used a lot in the emails I had seen before. Figured it would make it feel more genuine. 

I decided to send the email the day before she was going to head out of town. Now, mind you, we had been discussing her trip for a couple of days and how I felt it would be a great opportunity for her to earn some trust back. She was worried that I would leave while she is gone, and I promised her that if she did everything she could to make sure that I felt comfortable while she was gone, that I would do everything I could to make her comfortable when she gets back...When I sent the email, i figured that she would get it and let me know. Well a couple of hours went by and nothing. I have access to her email, so i went and checked and the email I sent to her was gone...no even in her deleted folder. I thought, well maybe she didnt get it. So I sent her a follow up email with some additional details, hoping that it would prompt a reply. I checked her email, but this time the email was in her deleted folder. I knew that she had seen it and deleted it. I waited another couple hours to see if she would say anything, but again nothing.  That night, while she was packing, I could feel my anger beginning to boil up. I asked her if she had any anxiety about the trip, and she said no...but I could tell she was holding something back. I then asked if she needed to say anything, and she just said no, she just didnt want to leave. I replied with, "well, you failed. I am filing for divorce tomorrow!". Immediately she apologized and asked if I had sent the email. I said yes, but the fact that she didnt tell me ruined everything. I was ready to walk out. We talked pretty much all night, and hashed things out. 

Her excuse was that she was getting ready to leave and didnt want to bring it up, because it would have been impossible for either of us to focus on her trip, knowing that her AP reached out after almost 8mos of silence. In my head, I was like..."but I sent it, this was the perfect opportunity for you to win some trust". In her mind, it was "oh ****, how do I tell you the day before I am heading out of town. You are going to think that we are meeting up"

I understand where she is coming from, but the bigger problem is why did I feel that I had to set her up? She has been forthcoming with everything up until that moment. 

I know that is a lot of detail, but just going crazy trying to navigate this journey...


First off, I don’t think you made a mistake at all.  You felt the need to set her up for a “test” because she betrayed you!  She has PROVEN with her ACTIONS that she is not trustworthy. Some may say it was unfair to “trick” her, not me!  What she did was the most unfair thing in the world!  I can tell you right now if that had been an option for me, I would have done it in a heartbeat!  

About 3 months after d-day I was traveling for business. I came home on a Thursday afternoon. She asked me to go to the store with her. I went, all went as well as it could that soon after d-day.  When we pulled up back at our house, she said, “I need to tell you something”. As you can imagine, my heart sunk.  She said “***** followed a board on my Pinterest.”  I was ready to explode. “I called another former coworker and told her to tell him to unfollow it, and never even try to contact me again, and that it is literally all I can do to keep you from going after him already, and that if he tries to contact me again that I would not even attempt to stop you from unleashing on him”.   I was furious, one because this had happened, and secondly because she waited until I got home to tell me (2 days).  I asked her to get out of the vehicle. She was crying, saying she handled it as best she could. She didn’t contact or interact with him in anyway. She did not break no contact. That she waited to tell me because she knew how mad I would be, and that she didn’t want me to go through that while away from home and away from her. I then told her to get out of vehicle, and left. I drove around for a while. I called a safe person and that person talked me out of going after him. After I calmed down a bit, I realized she did handle a bad situation as best she could and stayed within my boundaries. Even though she is the one who caused all of it...  I went home and told her that I believed that she handled it as best she could, but she did not have the right to decide “when” I got to know anything. Even with the best intentions, it’s manipulation, and there would be no more of that. 

I think you were WELL within your rights to test!  She 1000% should have told you IMMEDIATELY!  BUT, I can see her logic. That doesn’t mean it’s right, or OK, but I can see it. I can see it because from what you have said she has been doing everything right, and is very remorseful. It sounds like she “gets it”. It would have been just as big a deal to me as it was to you.  I would just make it clear to her that she no longer is in control of information, and will not ever be. If that behavior continued, I’d be out too!

You didn’t do anything wrong, you are doing your best to make chicken salad out of chicken sh!t, it’s really hard to do!  Keep your head up!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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seventy7
Thanks Buzz...
We have had that exact conversation. She doesn't get to dictate what, or when, information is shared. I made it abundantly clear that **** won't fly any longer. I don't care if we are sitting at Christmas dinner or in the middle of church...she needs to find a way to share it with me. 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am sure you know how the roller coaster goes, but as soon as I felt myself beginning to understand where she was coming from...that is when the doubt started to creep in and and I began thinking that I was being manipulated again. 
Male BS
D-Day 11/1/2017
It gets easier as time goes, but the pain never goes away
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BorealJ
seventy7 wrote:

I understand where she is coming from, but the bigger problem is why did I feel that I had to set her up?

I'll take a guess as to why.  You were coming up on events that were going to make you feel particularly vulnerable and you weren't ready to face that feeling so felt a need to control your emotions through this test that would give you the clarity and self permission to feel one way or another. 
Keepabuzz says you didn't do anything wrong and while I can't necessarily argue with that statement, I'd challenge you to think less in terms of right and wrong (I know from experience that that is a challenge in our situations) and more in terms of effective and ineffective towards your hoped for goals.
If your goal is to feel safe by controlling your situation and relationships, then deciding how your wife must act in every conceivable circumstance and devising tests for her to pass or fail might be an effective approach.  However, if your goal is to move towards intimacy and honesty in your marriage by working together to purge the relationship of dishonest or disingenuous behaviour, you might have a different assessment of the effectiveness of your test. 
I don't mean to sound self righteous or judgemental.  I've been there with snooping and searching to catch her in a lie that I was never able to.  I hid from my emotions about those things rather than being vulnerable enough just to discuss it with her or ask her point blank about it. I'll tell you that period felt like a game where we were circling each other looking to win or be right.  She was dealing with a great deal of shame, so my scrutiny made her defensive and looking to counter to keep me off balance.  The more I made her feel shameful, the more powerful her counters were and it nearly crushed me in the state I was in.  The more I searched to be right to find justice or balance to the events, the wider the gap to be reconciled became.  I can't know for certain, but I'm sure we were pretty close to the tipping point where no movement towards each other would be possible.  I'm just cautioning you to be mindful about what you actually want and assess your actions based on whether those actions are truly moving you towards that goal or pushing you away from it. 
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ssix6pack
I made a comment about this thread in another post. But, since this was bumped up...

we traveled together again and this time it was really a joy. I didn’t wrestle in the same ways. I felt thankful to be there, not burdened by it. I didn’t feel like a babysitter. Progress! 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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