Buzz - hoping that I can get your insight on this. I feel that you and I have very similar feelings regarding everything, so your thoughts would be most helpful.
My wife traveled for work last week, and a couple days leading up to the travel I could feel my anxiety building. Since D-Day, my wife has been extremely remorseful but did trickle truth me in the beginning, which delayed the healing process for us. Things have been getting better, but I still have some lingering doubts/insecurities regarding if she has been in contact with the AP since everything came out, or if she would even tell me if he did reach out (we had an agreement that she would, and its actually in our new marriage boundary contract)...This is where I made a mistake...
I decided to create a fake email account, under the AP's name, and send my wife an email. My wife and her AP used to work together and she had stock options at that company. I know the company was recently was bought out, because we had to exercise the stock options. With that info, i drafted an email that said that he was moving on from the company and if she ever wanted to contact him, to use the new gmail that I created. I also put in there that he would be coming into town in the next couple weeks, and if she wanted to grab a drink, to let him know. I ended the email with a saying/term that he used a lot in the emails I had seen before. Figured it would make it feel more genuine.
I decided to send the email the day before she was going to head out of town. Now, mind you, we had been discussing her trip for a couple of days and how I felt it would be a great opportunity for her to earn some trust back. She was worried that I would leave while she is gone, and I promised her that if she did everything she could to make sure that I felt comfortable while she was gone, that I would do everything I could to make her comfortable when she gets back...When I sent the email, i figured that she would get it and let me know. Well a couple of hours went by and nothing. I have access to her email, so i went and checked and the email I sent to her was gone...no even in her deleted folder. I thought, well maybe she didnt get it. So I sent her a follow up email with some additional details, hoping that it would prompt a reply. I checked her email, but this time the email was in her deleted folder. I knew that she had seen it and deleted it. I waited another couple hours to see if she would say anything, but again nothing. That night, while she was packing, I could feel my anger beginning to boil up. I asked her if she had any anxiety about the trip, and she said no...but I could tell she was holding something back. I then asked if she needed to say anything, and she just said no, she just didnt want to leave. I replied with, "well, you failed. I am filing for divorce tomorrow!". Immediately she apologized and asked if I had sent the email. I said yes, but the fact that she didnt tell me ruined everything. I was ready to walk out. We talked pretty much all night, and hashed things out.
Her excuse was that she was getting ready to leave and didnt want to bring it up, because it would have been impossible for either of us to focus on her trip, knowing that her AP reached out after almost 8mos of silence. In my head, I was like..."but I sent it, this was the perfect opportunity for you to win some trust". In her mind, it was "oh ****, how do I tell you the day before I am heading out of town. You are going to think that we are meeting up"
I understand where she is coming from, but the bigger problem is why did I feel that I had to set her up? She has been forthcoming with everything up until that moment.
I know that is a lot of detail, but just going crazy trying to navigate this journey...