Paw
Hi, just wondering what others have done for transparency. I had to request passcodes for phone and iPad, although I'm not sure how much farther to go. Should I ask for all social media (Facebook, etc)? There was a lot of texting with the OW. I think that it's over, but there are so many ways that the WH could still be contacting her.
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Dirazz
Paw, yes there are many other untraceable ways to contact people. My WH used a gaming app. He had me put a passcode on his iTunes so he couldn't load any apps that you communicate others with. It's been 13 months and I just now feel comfortable with him putting LinkedIn back on his phone. We also added the Find Friends app on each other. Those are just a few things we did. He would still do anything I asked him to do in order for me to feel secure.
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Paw
Thank you!
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surviving
Paw - I think I said this before, but after DDay, my husband deleted all social media accounts (facebook, LinkedIn, etc.).  He even deleted females from his gmail account that he doesn't need to email anymore because they were from his previous job where he had an emotional affair and lost his job because of it.  He even had me put a program on his computer that doesn't allow porn and only I know the password.  I have all passwords for his computer and his phone.  I can check his email from my computer, but I am allowed to check his computer or phone anytime I want.  He calls me from his work phone when he gets there, and when he is leaving.  If he has to run an errand, he tells me that and he calls me when he gets there and when he is leaving.  If a female flirts with him, he tells me her name and what she said or did.  He doesn't allow his office door to be closed when he is having a meeting with females.  When he goes to their office, he insists that the door remain open.  I can walk into his office unexpected any time I want.  He doesn't have any idle time, I know where he is almost every moment of the day.  That sounds like I am a control freak, but all of that was HIS idea, not mine.  Boundaries have to be set in order for you to be comfortable and safe.  You don't have to be as strict as we are, but those are ideas for you to think about.
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Keepabuzz
I had a bunch at first. No passwords (or I had them) on phone, iPad, tablets, iMac, etc. Find friends app was installed, and location services were never to be turned off. It has some bad spots in some places, and in the early days, if it couldn't find her, I would FaceTime her to verify where she was. She quit her job (where she and her AP worked) the next day. If she went anywhere, she let me know before she left, when she got there, when she was on her way home, and when she got home. She can't go into the store where she worked and he still does. The friends she had at that job, she can no longer communicate with. She met those friends and her AP all at the same time. They had only known each other for the 6 months of her affair. They all knew what she was doing at the time, and I refused to have any of them in my life.

Most of those are still in place, and will be forever. But I don't make her check in with me when she goes somewhere, even though she does just to make me feel safe when I'm away on business. Now most aren't there because she cheated. They are there because we are married and should need to hide anything. We both have each other's passwords to everything. We can both look on friend finder at where the other is at any time, because there is nothing to hide. Those friends from her job are gone, and will never be back.

I think you demand as much or as many actions for transparency as YOU need, you are the BS. If they refuse anything, well then that is pretty telling. If my wife had refused any of them, we would be divorced by now.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Wc59
Transparency to me seems like such an illusion. Even if I request passwords or have my WH delete social media accounts, it doesn't prevent someone from setting up different accounts. I know I did not want to police my WH's activity. I needed my WH's motivation to be that he because he wanted to make things right and not that he was doing the right things because he was being monitored. I readily admit it was a huge leap of faith but we are all different and need to do what works best for ourselves.
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neslon
Wc59 - This has been my MO also.  I do have the Find Friends app but often that is flawed and bouncing all over so that has added as much stress to my life as it has reassured me.  Maybe (60good-40bad) if I take an honest look.  I have tried to not look at the phone bill/texting/email in the past 2 months as I rationalized it as a false security blanket.  He could get a second cell phone, a app that calls, there's a million ways to text and hide it, and another email, etc.  I'm trying to trust that he knows this is his chance, that he really wants our family together, and that he was not happy with his actions of the last year.

These are convictions for me.  I know these things to be true so I can trust the convictions over my confidence/trust in him right now. I want to get to a place where the transparency is natural due to trust.  His trust in me that I will not use the knowledge to "control" him.  My trust in him that he's being transparent and wants to lead a healthy life together.
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Courage
If you absolutely need to check up on your WS whereabouts you can access it if you have access to their iPhone.
Here's how:
Go to settings
1. Privacy
2. Location services on
3. Scroll all the way down to system services
4. Scroll down to frequent locations
- you will get a list and map of locations that have been frequented and how long at each location. Can't get anymore accurate than this.
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