My story: My husband and I have been together for 18 years, 12 of w/c married. We have 3 kids 12,9,7. We’ve been up and down financially. My husband was born with an easy life, I not so much. So we have different approaches to finances. In our quest to have a better life, we lost touch of what was important- our marriage and family. Fast forward 2013, at that time we had 2 coffee shops that got totally wiped out by the typhoon. My city was in chaos, life was hard. We were left to start over, with business and personal debt in tow. My husband asked permission for a 1 time quick fix solution (he said his good friend offered to help). I stupidly agreed, what I did not notice was that the onetime became 2, 3x worst part with the easy money came major changes; he treated me and the kids differently. He was rude, disrespectful, always out etc. this caused me to leave him. Later I found out he was in an affair and this 23yr. old girl with a family of her own she was the one who got him in this illegal business (her uncle is the big time boss).
My husband comes from a respectable family; he is well mannered with good old fashioned values. He has changed overnight. I did not recognize him. When I found out I went to the girls husband, he already knew and did not do anything since she was the boss. A few days after we got back together. Then I asked help from his parents about the business, after so much chaos he stopped immediately. But it took me almost a year to decide to pay the balance left because I was waiting for him to find a way to pay himself (he didn’t- I wish I paid earlier, because their connection became deeper). He broke up with the woman several times.
I did the typical begging, crying, pleading, moral words etc. his parents even helped me but trust me it doesn’t work. He said the classic I’m not in love with you, she understands me, It’s all your fault because I loved you and you pushed me, there’s no hope, She loves me more than you have . I always threatened him with the “I’m leaving you speech”, which I was not able to do, I told the children, I did a lot of things in my desperate attempts and I lost a lot of respect and probably prolonged the affair.
However it’s the vacillation and ambivalence that confuses and kills me because its happens on a weekly basis, we would go 4 days of no talking it became 3, 2 then now 1 or half day and then back again. At first he gave me false hope saying we won’t make if the business is still here, when we paid he said I’m letting her go slowly and I believed him, I don’t know if he feels he owes her or he’s protecting us or he’s just so in love, He won’t let me go either and he won’t discuss anything. I also know hes been on and off with her. But it's like when I push him he runs to her.
When hes sane he talks about our past, he remembers even my clothes and the brands from 12 yrs ago. He talks about our future, He gets jealous all the time, asks permission to go somewhere, people make mistakes etc. Our sex life by the way has never ever stopped. He is always the initiator. Note: He is the one approaching me all the time, despite my desperate ways, I do have my pride.
Being financially strapped I researched the net and learned so much about affairs and have availed of free newsletters, ebooks, blogs- all have given me strength. My husband never left so I tried to experiment, I did a combination of Mort Fertel, Coach Jack Ito, Linda and Doug- emotional affair journey, Katie Lersch, Dr. Joe Beam- Marriage Helper, Divorce busting- do the 180, Love languages, Dr. Huizenga and a whole lot more, I also prayed a lot-
I tried the charging neutral, leave the problem behind focus on connection and communication, being calm, acting happy. I tried to closed my eyes on his ongoing affair, just the stand back fake it till you make it, surprisingly we started to connect and he kept coming to me and I found out he ended the affair but since he did not take the -steps to protect himself from communicating with this woman, after a traumatic event It started again. I don’t know what to do, I’m so tired, but he denies the affair now, his nights out from 6, then 3, then now he is almost always at home. His treatment of the kids is so much better, in fact he has become a better father than even before the affair, he has single handedly made their family business successful again, He is very close to his parents now. We are communicating better, he is starting to treat me with respect and he is starting to take back or act like he forgot all the hurtful words. Even our sex life where it used to be hot but I felt used has become very passionate. But that’s the thing he won’t stop. I am always trying to use the sex as a boundary and it’s the one thing we fight about. It’s just hard to impose the boundary because he won’t accept. He follows me around for days, cornering me then when I give in a few days of daily physical contact and there he goes again, we fight 2-3 days then back again. Lately I have been giving speeches about me feeling used and I have fallen out of love and that he is more suited with the girl, I'm just so drained. He has withdrawn, our sex life has also declined. I hit a nail I guess, it just won’t work with this affair present. He can’t have his cake and eat it at two. I am totally broken yet I miss him, I’m afraid I’m losing my family, my husband and myself. I just can’t understand why he says he’s trying and I can see the changes yet I know despite his denials she’s still there. He is not transparent and accountable yet.
I know about Limerence and the Affair fog, well it’s been almost 3 years, 2 of which I fought so hard for. My heart is barely breathing, I have lost a lot of love for him but am trying hard to give positive vibes and compliments. I am also human and I can’t stop losing my cool reserve every now and then.
Is there hope? Why too much vacillation? Any thoughts? Please help.