Valntine66
From a WS to a BS because my wife had an affair with our pastor who we were seeing for counseling. I posted the story on "Tell Your Story".

Our adult kids have been Hurt and betrayed by their mother. They plan on confronting her tonight and to inform her that they found out about the affair and is very disappointed in her. But our oldest Son is going to confront our pastor tonight and give him a chance to come clean and expose himself to the church, deacons, and wife willingly otherwise my son will expose him to his deacons and his wife.

I don't know if it's confusion, sympathy, or what, but why do I feel so horrible at this knowing that more people will be hurt when this is brought to light, especially Mrs. pastor and my wife. I cannot help but feel that all the pain that Mrs. pastor will go through, the shame and pain my wife will go through because her kids and the church will know the truth, and the church will go through when they trusted their pastor and see that my wife and I have brought this "virus" (one of my kids called it this) into their church.

I know what's right to do but my emotions are so mixed right now that I cannot go to our company picnic and enjoy friends, food, and fun.
Val
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Hope4Healing
I think you are the one that should be taking this to the deacons of the church. I read in the other forum that you have confronted the pastor and he has no intention of changing anything basically. The next step is taking it over his head, but needs to be done by you or at least you need to be involved in it. I I'm praying for this situation because y'all need it. This is gonna get much much worse before it gets better. I hope you keep us posted. Good luck.
Hope4Healing
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Valntine66
Hope4Healing wrote:
I think you are the one that should be taking this to the deacons of the church. I read in the other forum that you have confronted the pastor and he has no intention of changing anything basically.


You're right, I did confront him on Monday.  It was more of him saying he is sorry for what he did and wanted to know where I stand.  I admit that I was kind and compassionate to him, not intending to react to what happened.  I did ask him at the end of the meeting, "Are you going to remain pastor here at the church?"  He said yes.  that did not resignate with me until I left the church and got home.  I struggled the next few days of the promises I made to my wife that i will not tell my kids, i will not expose the pastor, i will not tell anyone.  Finally this past Thursday, I lost it.  I left my job in our major city going to my next job and I was crying, my body shaking, angry, furious, screaming in my car to God, "What can I do?"  when i got to my job, i saw a Christian friend of mine that has been helping with another issue i am dealing with in life, and I consoled with him what happened with my wife and he just listened to me.  It was the 2nd time I have ever felt a real weight on my shoulders has been lifted (the first was when I received Christ as my savior).

Hope4Healing wrote:
The next step is taking it over his head, but needs to be done by you or at least you need to be involved in it. I I'm praying for this situation because y'all need it. This is gonna get much much worse before it gets better. I hope you keep us posted. Good luck.


I probably will be involved because of the depth of the ministry.  I should not have made the statements, but i let my heart take over rather than my logic and experience.  I wanted to "win" my wife back with kindness but i did not think of the ramifications my decision would make.
Val
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Anna26
Val, we all make those kind of decisions and promises at the time, because we speak through pain and a desire to do the right thing and not through any logical thought process. That is impossible given the shock and distress you are going through. You sound a lot like me, always wanting to show compassion and do the right thing, putting others before yourself and wanting to make it right for them. This is the time to think of yourself too.
You can't fix everything right now. Only time will help you get a clearer picture of your choices and decisions. Don't be rushed into things you are not sure of.

Your wife was wrong to ask and maybe expect those things be from you. That only applied more pressure to you. But she was probably afraid too, of what people thought of her, of consequences and repercussions, and of what may happen in the future.
If you need to backtrack on some of those promises that were made under duress, then you do. I'm sure she realises herself, deep down, the near impossibility of them.
And don't knock yourself for perhaps not responding to the pastor as you now think you should have. We all have those moments (especially me) when we are so flabbergasted that we kind of go, "oh, okay then" and simply walk away. Everything will turn out as it should.

I hope things went as well as they could on Saturday.
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Valntine66
Update: the deacons, the church leadership, and Mrs. Pastor have all been notified of the pastors and my wife affair. They requested all the evidence I have in which I forwarded to them. I don't know the reaction of mrs. Pastor but I can imagine. I already planned on attending another church but they did suggest I not attend this morning. Our kids have been trying to get a hold of my wife she hasn't responded. I'm hoping and thinking that she reached out to her one friend at work Who also was betrayed by her husband at the same time that I betrayed my wife.

I personally appreciate everyone that has been so kind, compassionate, caring, and even critical at times towards me and everyone involved. This does not detour me in my endeavors of restoring my marriage. Like I asked on a Nother post, "When does the fat lady sing?" I'm praying that she has duct tape and superglue to her face so that She cannot sing.

Val
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Hope4Healing
Valntine66 wrote:
Update: the deacons, the church leadership, and Mrs. Pastor have all been notified of the pastors and my wife affair. They requested all the evidence I have in which I forwarded to them. I don't know the reaction of mrs. Pastor but I can imagine. I already planned on attending another church but they did suggest I not attend this morning. Our kids have been trying to get a hold of my wife she hasn't responded. I'm hoping and thinking that she reached out to her one friend at work Who also was betrayed by her husband at the same time that I betrayed my wife.

I personally appreciate everyone that has been so kind, compassionate, caring, and even critical at times towards me and everyone involved. This does not detour me in my endeavors of restoring my marriage. Like I asked on a Nother post, "When does the fat lady sing?" I'm praying that she has duct tape and superglue to her face so that She cannot sing.


I just read this post. It's hard keeping up with what's going on with this situation because it's on two different forums. I am so glad you took this to the correct people. You've done your part, now it's in their hands. If you wish to respond to anything I've posted, please do it in this forum not the other one.

Do you feel better knowing you did the right thing?
Hope4Healing
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Valntine66
Hope4Healing wrote:

I just read this post. It's hard keeping up with what's going on with this situation because it's on two different forums. I am so glad you took this to the correct people. You've done your part, now it's in their hands. If you wish to respond to anything I've posted, please do it in this forum not the other one.

Do you feel better knowing you did the right thing?


I will post it to this topic. Thank you Hope for the encouragement. I feel better that the right thing was done but I'm still hurting for what was done and who it affects. I cannot help but cry for Mrs. Pastor and the church. We have been in this place for 3 years and have grown to live this church family and they loved on us. I also cry for my wife, kids, and even Pastor although he hurt like us.

I attended another church this morning where nobody knew my burden. But the music and message was what I needed.
Val
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raggedylaura
yeup.

there seem to be two types of professions, that pick up many affairs.  1. Church/religious based (if there is income in the leaders) 2. Healthcare based.  


both are professions where people are supposed to heal the sick......not hurt their own spouses.


Those in these professions who commit these acts are acting in rejection of what their profession stands for and bear a bad "reputation" for working appropriately with the goals of the profession.

Occasionally I will hear about a professor having an affair with a student or co-worker......then there are other careers.


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