BeginAgain
... will mark a month since I found out about my husband's affair. I found this forum a couple of days ago and although I'm wary of posting such private information on a public platform, I feel the need to share what happened with someone who will understand. This could get long, so I apologise in advance. 

Saturday, 5 January, was my husband's 43rd birthday. I had been planning to do something special for his birthday,  as I do every year, just something that we can do together to create new memories. The previous evening and that morning he seemed distracted, as if he didn't want to participate in the discussion, and that morning I started getting upset with his lack of enthusiasm. I felt as if he didn't want to do anything special with me. 

I looked up at one point and the look on his face was one of utter despondency. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was incredibly tired. I went and sat next to him and asked him to please tell me what was going on. When he said that I would leave him if he told me, my heart started beating a mile a minute and I started shaking uncontrollably and I asked him whether I would need a cigarette for this. He said yes. In that moment I knew, I just knew with utmost certainty that all my fears and suspicions were correct.

He told me that he had become involved with a woman at work and that now she wouldn't leave him alone. I asked him whether he had had sex with her and he said no. When he said she claimed to have been pregnant I asked him again, and he confessed that yes, he had had sex with her. He handed me his phone with the latest texts she had been sending since just past 5:00 that morning, threatening him with legal action, threatening to come to our house with an attorney to confront him and tell me. This had apparently been going on and escalating for a month since he ended the affair.

I started typing on his phone, my hands shaking so badly that I could barely get the words out. I told her that it was his wife and that I was waiting for her and I called her a few choice names. She apparently thought it was him trying to sound tough, so she reiterated that she was coming and bringing her attorney. I told her to bring the whole effing army, I was waiting for her. She still apparently didn't think he had really told me and so she phoned him. He gave her a couple of short answers to whatever she was saying, before handing the phone to me. She was speaking so softly that I couldn't hear what she was saying, obviously because her husband and kids were in the other room. I told her, "Speak up, I can't hear an effing word you're saying." She told me, "Listen, I'm not going to stoop to that level," and that... the audacity of that response simply enraged me. I told her, "Oh, so you will stoop to the level of f@#$&£$ my husband, but you won't stoop to the level of using foul language." I went on to tell her to stop harassing my husband, stop trying to extort money from him or I would eff her up, before hanging up on her.

She still texted my husband again, telling him that she was going to phone,  but not to tell me it was her. And when she phoned, she told him she wanted to meet and talk, "no (my name), no attorneys." I am still so hung up on her audacity. Did she really think that, in the midst of that storm, with me only just having found out what had happened, he would leave me alone and meet with her? What was her excuse going to be towards her husband and kids for leaving on a Saturday? Did she really believe she was that much more important than me? The fact that she knew and used my name... I told my husband I would kill her if my name ever passed her lips again. It feels almost like a sacrilege. My husband told her they had nothing to talk about and handed the phone to me again. I told her that we were on our way to the police to report her for harassment.  That thought must have scared her sh!tless, because it was the last time he heard from her.

We showered and dressed and went to the police station. Although we didn't have sufficient cause for a criminal case, the officer advised us to go to court the following Monday to obtain a restraining order. Hearing the officer refer to her as my husband's girlfriend was one of the single most painful experiences of my life. This was real. My husband had had an affair. He had sex with another woman. I couldn't face going home after and so, on autopilot, we drove to the activity we had decided on for his birthday. During the course of the drive, the story slowly unfolded. Obviously the details have been fleshed out over the course of the past month.

He had taken over a new contract at work around the end of October. I remember him coming home from work, telling me how nasty the woman at the new contract was. Well, apparently that same nasty b!tch warmed up to him very quickly after the initial meeting. A week later she suddenly, out of the blue, sent him a suggestive text. He responded and became caught up in the fog. She orchestrated having him drive her home from work. She showed him where to go to a park in her neighbourhood. She leaned in for the first kiss. From the initial meeting to the end of the affair was a month, from start to finish. Although I can never be 100% certain, I do believe he was honest about the sequence of events.

He told me that throughout, he kept asking himself what the hell he was doing, but he didn't know how to extract himself from the situation. She kept pushing for more and further. This I believe to be true, based on her reaction after he ended things. I also believe that the ease with which she lured him in indicates that this is not her first rodeo. I'm absolutely positive that she has done this before. Understand that I am in no way excusing his behaviour. He is a grown up adult and could have said no at any point instead of giving her whatever she wanted, feeding into her fantasies of what she imagined it to be, even reciprocating when she told him she loved him. Even if he didn't feel it when he said it, it still hurts to know he said those words to someone else. He says he always knew it wouldn't go farther than a fling; that he never intended for it to go as far as it did. How could not disappointing her, a virtual stranger that he had only physically seen 4 times over the course of the affair, have been more important than not distroying us, me, his life partner of 20 years?

They only had sex once and he ended it a couple of days later. For the first week I badgered him relentlessly, told him that I hoped the sex was amazing enough to justify destroying my life. It slowly emerged that he didn't perceive it as a thrill at all. The moment the event occurred, he was consumed with disgust, and once it was over he was so revolted by her that he couldn't look at her. When she tried to touch him immediately after, he told her he needed space. In the days after he continued to tell her he needed space, she continued a barrage of texts and phone calls. When he told her he had decided to end it, because he wanted to focus on his marriage, she didn't understand and insisted on continuing the affair.  I get it. She was or had convinced herself that she was in love with someone she knew nothing about. While the sex act and his immediate disgust afterward was enough to jerk him out of the fog and open his eyes to what he had been doing, she probably perceived it as a way out of her sh!tty marriage. No concept of the damage it would do to both her family and ours, though.

About a week after he ended the affair, she texted him to tell him she 'felt' pregnant. No doubt an attempt to draw him back in. At this point he was refusing to take her calls, but she was still relentlessly texting. He told her to take a pregnancy test. She did and it came up negative. Yet another week later she told him she was 'bleeding heavily' and it felt 'different' than her normal period, so she thought she was having a miscarriage. Just more attempts to elicit sympathy and manipulate him back into her arms. He told her to go to the doctor and that is where she started turning nasty.

She claimed to have gone to a doctor friend who did some kind of illegal procedure at his home that cost a lot of money. She wanted my husband to pay her supposed medical bills, a truly ridiculous amount that she never produced any receipts for. She insisted that she had been pregnant and suffered a miscarriage. She even named the fictitious fetus. "(Fictitious fetus name) was real. You have responsibilities," she said in the text she sent that morning of D-Day. Her threats escalated and she threatened to bring her brother and his friends to our home armed with guns. She threatened legal action against my husband. All, I believe, in bid to exact revenge or to lure him back. Who the hell even knows or cares? The biggest irony of the whole situation is that I ended up saving him from her. I was the one who saved him from the harassment and threats he had endured for a month, that he had brought on himself by betraying me with her.

I know my account must seem very clinical. It is not. Today is a good day. While I hate her with a passion I didn't know was possible for initiating the affair, that doesn't mean I excuse his behaviour. He could always have said no. Should have. There is still so much pain and anger to work through. Both of us have to learn a new way of being in this world, in our marriage, with each other. During the first week I randomly though one day, it doesnt feel like it right now, but this was a good thing. It broke down all the barriers between us, pounded it to dust. It exposed all that was wrong between us, all the lingering resentments that had built a wall between us. It has given me the husband I've always wanted. The one who dares to be vulnerable with me. Last night he cried in my arms when he confessed that he had tried to hang himself the night before his birthday.

He still finds it difficult to speak about the smaller details of the affair - mind you there are details I don't want to know - and seeing how his face twists in digust while answering my questions, is reassuring in a way. I believe him when he says he has learned his lesson. Whatever fantasy he built up in his mind crashed so badly that it left its mark. I acknowledge that, although it was as a result of his own choices and actions, he has been wounded too. I noticed in December that he was acting differently towards me. He was suddenly texting and calling me throughout the day to check in. He was acting more loving towards me, attentive towards the needs in our household. For Christmas he bought me a new wedding ring and requested one for himself as a gift. Now I know that, in his mind, it symbolised a new beginning for us. He was already trying to make amends in his own way, it didn't just begin at D-Day. 

I will leave it here for now, as I already got lost and wrote so much more than I intended. Today is a good day. My account may seem idealistic, but tomorrow might just bring the pain and anger back again full force. For now I'm cautiously optimistic. Thank you if you took the time to read.
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MC
BeginAgain, first off, I am so sorry to hear your story.  Second, the name you have chosen for this forum is spectacular.  To begin again is what it takes.

Our stories are remarkably similar in that our spouse's affair was brief and that our spouse was pressured, manipulated and extorted to continue in the affair.  One difference is that your husband confessed.  I stumbled on an email from the AP to my wife which started me digging.  Eventually I printed over 100 pages of emails, texts and facebook messages that told me the story almost entirely.  I could see that my wife wanted out but was being manipulated. 

Long story short, I stepped in and saved my wife.  I was angry with her and am still angry with him.  My wife and I stared seeing a MC and each also saw IC.  We began the long and difficult yet very rewarding work of beginning again.  We have become the husband and wife to each other that we always wanted, but after 12 years of marriage had lost.

You have found a great resource here and I encourage you to read topics that interest you.  One month out, I wish someone had told me a lot of what I have learned over the past 23 months since D-day.  A lot of what i have learned was here in this community forum.  Here's some keys for me:
  1. This sucks and you don't deserve to be confronted with this.
  2. The first year is hard.  It gets remarkably more bearable after you pass "this time last year" painaversaries.
  3. You are capable of coming out of this better off.
  4. Your marriage is capable of coming out of this better off.

I also wish this podcast had been available to me earlier.  It is a very uplifting perspective that encourages a BS to lift themselves up.
https://www.affairhealing.com/podcast401.html

         
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
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Jennifer
BeginAgain,

I am glad you have found your way to this forum as I believe you will find support and understanding here. The road to healing is long but you do not have to do it alone.
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Sorry
Reading this post made me feel so ashamed. I had an affair with some else husband (and cheated on my own) three years ago. I also though not to the some extent did so much manipulation of the AP when the situation felt out of my control.

Looking back on it now, and seeing it from your perspective I feel ashamed and sad that I ever stooped that low. 

There is something so fundamentally wrong with the other women. I have worked long and hard in therapy to worked though my issues, be a better wife and make ammends. None of that will however, ever make it easier to look back at that time. At who I was and how I behaved.

Sorry for all that you have been through.
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BeginAgain
Thank you so much to those who responded with encouragement. Though I haven't replied up until now, I have been spending quite some time on the forum, reading and learning about... well... everything.

This past Tuesday was two months since D-Day. The month since my last post has been a rollercoaster of emotions, up and down, some good days and some really, really bad days. I still think about the affair practically every minute of every day. It's always there with a million triggers. Things he says, places we go. The fact that he had sex with her in our car doesn't help. Each time I get in it, I'm reminded that she sat in the very same spot, my spot. Yesterday he told me, "You're my angel, the only woman for me", and that of course unleashed a torrent of tears.

In spite of our one step forward, two steps back dance, I believe we are making some real progress. We have been having some real, open and honest conversations about the state of our marriage 'before', both of our dissatisfaction and unhappiness and what was at the root cause of it. My husband is opening up more about his emotions and perceptions, daring to be vulnerable. Both of us have gained some real insight into how our lack of communication and the distance between us influenced our perceptions and interactions with one another. Lot of assumptions about how the other felt without actually asking the pertinent questions and willingly providing honest answers. 

We have done two online courses and we're trying to utilise the tools given to us to build a stronger relationship out of this destruction. In some ways my husband is more en pointe with it than I am, often referring to course materials to help keep us on course, while I'm still struggling to keep on top of my emotions and utilise what I've learned. It helps a lot and I'm sometimes surprised that he's taking everything on board in the way that he is. We're currently looking into attending a Retrovaille weekend in June. I'm really looking forward to that. Though my husband isn't a big reader, I save a lot of exerpts from the forum to read to him that helps us gain insight into our relationship. We've been listening to some of the podcasts on the site and last night my husbamd said he really wants to do the other courses offered as well. 

I suppose the biggest news for us is that my husband is leaving his job next week Friday. Kind of bittersweet for both of us, and scary, as the future going forward is a bit uncertain. We had been mulling this over for the past four years, so having it happen now in the midst of this turmoil is simultaneously a dream come true but an additional stress at a time when we have other things we need to focus on. It's a relief for me, in the sense that him leaving for work in the mornings is a great source of anxiety for me - after all, he used his flexibility at work to facilitate his affair. Neatly hiding it between client visits, while I was blissfully unaware of what was really going on. We've slowly been putting things in place over the course of the past few weeks to start our own company, which means that we will be working from home, side by side. I have a small business that I already run from home, but doesn't provide nearly enough to carry us financially.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble. Thank you for reading if you took the time to do so.
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TheFarmGirl
I’m so sorry you went through such torment with his AP, that is just awful. 

That at is great that he is moving away from an “unsafe” situation. Anything with variables seems so unsafe after this devastating news. I too am so nervous about where my husband is when is isn’t at work. I freak out a lot about that... because that’s how he cheated- I trusted him with all those unaccounted for hours after work. Never again got me. 
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BeginAgain
Thank you for your response and yes, it's true. We are okay over weekends, but on Monday mornings when he has to leave for work, that is when the anxiety kicks into top gear. The irony is that, when he had to travel to the town where the new contracts were, I specifically held off on phoning or texting him, because I didn't want to distract him on the road. I would sit here wondering where he was, whether he was nearly done, what time he would be home. During the time that I now know he was having the affair, a couple of times he would be home so quickly, much faster than I knew it took to travel from that town. He cited traffic conditions as the reason. Now I know that it really was because she begged off work early so that she could travel home with him and they would then make out (and eventually have sex) in our car in a public park near her house. It makes me heartsick to know he used my radio silence and concern for him as yet another way to fascilitate doing what he did.
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