tobefree
Hi everyone, 

   I'm new to this forum. I have been reading some posts, from both sides and it has certainly help me understand my situation better. Even as I type this, the pain is excruciating but I know I just need to let it out and try my best to do what I need to process and move on from this. 

   A month ago today, I asked my partner of 9 years if he liked his so called "coworker friend." It was in the morning and he was hugging me at the time. After I asked that, he turned away from me and I knew my suspicions for the last few weeks were correct. He initially refused to answer so I kept on pressing then he finally admitted he did have feelings for her. He's only known her for 6 month at point. She's an engaged woman in a 8 year relationship. The moment I got the confirmation, I was destroyed. I never realize I was capable of feeling the pain I did and that I still do, every day. Ever since then, my days has been a blur, just trying to survive. I've lost so much weight and haven't been sleeping since 2 month ago. 2 months ago was our 9 year anniversary and things weren't the same since we had a conflict (our typical) few days after our anni. That was when everything started to unravel and I started having suspicions about he's so called "coworker friend." In part because he became more and more open with messaging her after work hours and talking late into the night at times. Even when he talks about her showed me he really cared about her well-being, too much so as he didn't even do that with me. 

    He believed this was a one-sided emotional affair but it was both sides. When he believed it was one sided, he thought the world of her, thinking she was the most perfect kind hearted woman out there. But I confronted his notion, as I showed him if a perfect kind woman that is engaged can call another man "haha, you are so cute." I asked him if I could do that to another man since I am in a relationship with him? And that a perfectly kind woman will not establish boundary with a coworker who she also knows is in a 9 year relationship when he calls her sweetheart. It broke him when he realized the person he fell in love with was a cheater, just like him. And he took it out on me and the world initially by saying he can't trust anyone. Everyone is terrible. People sucks. I thought he was being utterly ridiculous so I confronted him again by telling him, the world doesn't suck, only you two who can't even stop temptation, as temptation is everywhere. Everyone else is in a relationship and most people are not in an affair because they know what boundaries are and enforces them. They protect their loved ones, as they should. But you 2 are the ones that only cares about yourselves. Think that got to him so he realized how he messed up. But because it was too much guilt for him to take, he decided to shift blame onto our relationship and saying that we had too many issues and so he doesn't know if he wants to continue this. A week after I found out, he decided that it's best if we broke up so he can find himself. It shattered and destroyed me again because that's not I wanted. I was hoping he would 'wake up' and realized what he did and tell me that our relationship is important to him. But I don't think that'll happen.

Anyways, because the living cost here is very expensive, I can't move out easily and I can't afford our current place. So we are still living together. And I knew it'll be easier if we were civil while we have to live under the same roof. So we tried to be civil, it worked for about a week where we were really good to each other. During that week, he decided that he is going to end things with her or 'distancing himself from her' so he says so I believed him. Last week was his vacation week and we had a good week. He even gave me a sincere apology of how he really realized that he messed up badly and that he'll regret losing me and that he was really sorry for throwing away our 10 yrs together. He said he knew he still loved me a lot. It was nice to hear, as it helped with my process of healing. Near the end of the week, given the state Im in and knowing she messages him always when he's taking days off, I asked if she has messaged him. He told me she hasn't except that one time when he logged onto his work email and she msged him and ask if he was online and if he needed anything, she's there for him. He said no thanks, just doing admin stuff. Going now and have a good night. It was only the afternoon at the time so that triggered me. The day after I told him I couldn't accept how he's still crossing the boundary when he said he wanted to distance himself from her. Telling her have a good night is not cutting it off. I guess that triggered him and we haven't been the same then. He reverted back to his selfish selfish and acting like it's all my fault again. Things got worse before they got slightly better, after I told him he can't treat me this way because he's the one that messed up and cheated on me, it's not the other way around. I told him it's normal for me to feel hurt and have anger because of what he did. I said a lot more along that line and now he has calmed down a little so we are 'civil' again, meaning he's not treating me like I'm the one that did this to us. 

I am just so tired. I feel s trapped by my feelings, as logically I know I deserve better but even till now, I know I love him. I have no idea how to let go. I am still in the process of trying to find a place to move out to, as I know regardless of whether our relationship can work or not, we can't live together right now. He needs to grow up and learn. How do you decide to either stay or leave the relationship? Does the pain ever get better? I just wish I am able to control my love for him so that I won't love him anymore. Life would be so much easier that way. Thanks for reading my story. I'm glad I found this space where I can share my pain. I'm a mess still but still trying to be as functional as I can be. My apologies if some things doesn't make sense, as I haven't been sleeping well or very little for 2 months now.  

I have so many triggers now, his phone, whatsapp, women that looks like her, couples, their work and the things they've said to one another. It so exhausting. I am so so tired. Each day seems so bleak and confusing. How can they do this to us??
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seventy7
I am so sorry that your partner put you in the position. From the sounds of it, he is still very much in the "fog". That is on him, and he needs to work through that himself. Unfortunately that is not something that you can push him into, or out of. He needs to figure out where he wants to be and make the choice to either cut ALL ties, or continue with his destructive behavior. 

The same goes for you, you have to take care of yourself first. You are absolutely right when you say "I told him he can't treat me this way because he's the one that messed up and cheated on me". He did that, not you, and nothing you did caused him to have the relationship that he did with her. You need to recognize that and not let him push that on you. If he continues to do so, that is a HUGE red flag. 

I would definitely recommend getting some counseling for yourself. Couples counseling would benefit as well, but again he is going to have to be open to that. 
One thing that you likely have read on this forum is that you are at the beginning of a very long journey. Think of it like this, you fell off a cliff and managed to catch a branch on the way down before falling into the river. Now you have to work on climbing your way back up, rock by rock. You will slip and fall again, that is the painful part of this journey, but just continue to keep climbing up. What is at the top of the cliff is still to be determined. If he really loves you, he will be there. Regardless, you WILL make it to the top, and happiness is in your future. 

You have found a great forum with great people.
Male BS
Married 17 years
D-Day 11/1/2017
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notemanj
There is so much to address in your post. I’m sorry you are here. I’m so sorry you are going through this. The pain does get better. I promise. But it doesn’t get better as quickly as you want it to. As in yesterday! We all wish it ended yesterday. I love what seventy7 described it as. That fits the situation to a T!

Keep reading here. Keep learning. Keep focus on yourself and what you know to be true. Don’t ever let him make you believe that you have any part of the blame in this. An affair was his choice and his choice alone. Any of your relationship issues that may or may not exist are beside the point. They could and should have been handled in a different, empathetic way. Not ignored and used as a justification for his behavior. 

The exhaustion is REAL! Take everything slowly. Even getting to your dirty dishes. They will wait if you can’t get to them now. The important thing is to keep getting back up and facing the next moment. Because you will get through this. It just doesn’t feel like it yet. 

We are always here. There are a lot of fantastic resources available from Tim and Sharon and Jennifer. There are a lot of wonderful people here, too, that will help you.

Seventy7 is also right in that you may need counseling. I would suggest independent counseling first. And I would caution you to shop around. Not every therapist is going to be able to provide what you need.  If something feels wrong about the advice you are given, move on. I would also suggest looking for a local BAN (Beyond Affairs Network) chapter. They will be helpful in getting you to the right therapist and community is important for you now. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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hurting
I’m sorry you’re here too... 

My advice to you (as hard as it is to take), is to think long and hard about what YOU want. Figure out what your boundaries are (you’re doing a great job so far), and stick to them. Don’t let him or his behaviour make you question what is important to you. 

Given you are in the tricky situation of living together, but you are looking to separate yourself for your own sanity from what he is doing right now, may I suggest you read up the 180 and start with that? 

It’s basically about focusing on YOU. About moving on with your life (whether that is with or without him doesn’t even matter). It’s about putting your focus on what matters most... YOUR needs and how to move on with your life despite the mess he has made of it. Show him that you won’t take his behaviour any more. Not by being upset, but by taking the steps you need to take by moving on with your life. That will help regardless of whether he continues on acting like this and you do actually leave, or whether you can work this one out.

I think if he does eventually come out of this and want to work on the relationship, then counselling is a good idea... but it seems to me that he is ridiculously childish and immature (just like my WS- the whole ‘everyone sucks’ thing really sounds like him and makes me cringe) and doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own poor choices. So he is fluctuating from trying to 1. Justify them by blaming ‘issues’ in your relationship... 2. Make himself feel better by saying ‘everyone sucks’ so he doesn’t have to feel like he is any worse than anyone else 🙄 or 3. Just flat out making up excuses for his own poor boundaries and lack of integrity by blaming you! He’s avoiding that he IS the bad guy he and that he DID make bad decisions. That is not conducive to saving a relationship. Till he can see himself for what he is and work to fix himself, I don’t feel like he’s a safe partner for anyone... even if he ‘cuts things off with her’.

I was in your position once. I let things slide and gloss over. He said sorry but never truly acknowledged how it was entirely his fault and due to his many ISSUES and I thought getting married meant things would be fixed and ok. I was so very very wrong. I wish that I had had the guts to just leave at that point. I didn’t. He cheated and had a full blown affair soon after we got married... with a different person. 

Please learn from my mistakes. Do not let this slide. Look after yourself and make yourself a priority over the relationship. I didn’t and it cost me years of my life, my sanity and my ability to trust. 

We are still together (I must seem like a fool). But I am not afraid to leave any more. I will leave if I feel that he is not keeping me safe. I don’t need proof of anything to leave. I don’t need him to cheat again. If I feel unsafe or unhappy, I will just GO. And he knows it. My WS has finally acknowledged how ridiculous and immature and selfish he was. He is finally ashamed of himself and what he has done. He is finally working to change. I wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t changed and if he doesn’t continue to work to improve himself.

1 month out is so early into this mess. Be kind to yourself. Remember that it’s ok to not be ok. Do whatever you need to make yourself feel better. Don’t rely on him to make you better. You have the ability to heal with or without him. Don’t make it dependent on him.
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tobefree
Thank you so much everyone for your support, understanding and advice. It's 2 in the morning here, as I can't sleep not matter how tired I am. I'll try to go to bed soon and sleep. I will take everything you all have said to heart, as I really need them right now. I'm just living in a ball of pain day in and day out. I do still believe I will get better but the process of getting there is going to be soo tough and long, like you all said. As much as I would want us to be ok, logically I know I shouldn't because of how he is and how he was and how I am. I've always loved him more than he did with me. He has always taken my love for him for granted. I'm just hoping my feelings will one day follow my logics but as it stands right now, I am controlled by my feelings for him and so I can't leave 'leave' him yet. Only way I was hoping that can propel me towards leaving is once I am moved out. 
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AnywhereButHere
Deal the sleep issue immediately. Take Melatonin, see a doctor, whatever. For months after DDay I existed on 2-3 hour of sleep a night. Now I have high-blood pressure.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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hurting
Looking to move out is a good idea, though if that is practically limited by finances, I don’t believe it should stop you from setting yourself up mentally (hence the 180) and emotionally. Please do read up on the 180. It will help you be less ‘controlled by your feelings for him’ and gradually take back the control and focus so it can be on YOU where it belongs. 

I agree with getting a script for melatonin. Having said that, in the early days after d-day, it didn’t work for me. It worked in the later months. I had sky high amounts of adrenaline and cortisol rushing through me and no sleeping pills (melatonin, benzos... I even threw alcohol into the mix with both of them) would work. It would take me down for 2 hours and I would be back up again... the pain was excruciating. That’s where self care comes into it, and where I believe the 180 will help to set you in the right direction. 
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tobefree
Thank you hurting. I actually came here to ask how I can balance between my love for him and the pain and hurt that I'm feeling. I completely understand what you went through, as that's what I'm dealing with. I actually made a doc for Tuesday to talk about my sleeping issues, as all of the advice here are correct. Logically I know it's utterly important to do self-care but I've been just a mess that it's been really difficult. I am keep trying but it is hard. Every time I close my eyes, everything they've done just floats into my mind and refuses to move along. I am in a perpetual state of pain. 

Yes, moving out is so dependent on finances and I am struggling with that but I know, even if I don't want to move out, I think I have to. LIke your previous post, he's not in a good state himself and even if he does cut off all contact with AP, he isn't a good partner to be with right now because he, himself has a lot that he need to face. Plus I know it'll just be too difficult for me to move on or process or be civil/try to work towards my normal self if I keep seeing him day in and day out. I don't want to leave him but I know we both need the space. 

The things he has done has damaged me. I'm not sure if anyone has experienced anything similar but he literally had a mental breakdown when he realized she was a cheater and witnessing that was so painful. Not only do I have to witness him having a mental breakdown over another woman, I had to try to calm him down to ensure he didn't do anything drastic. It was terrible for me. 

I just felt everything that has happened since 2019 has been a lie between us and it hurt extra because there was Valentine's day, then my bday, then our 10 yr celebration of knowing one another in April, then our 9 yr anni in May, all of which we were really happy and he was there for me and us. He even met my old friend from way back when when they visited me in my city in Mar. And all of those 'good memories' and him 'being there for me and us' was a lie because he already had feelings for AP. I actually can't even look at my 9 yr anni gift and I think one of these days, I'll probably burn it as my final step of letting go. 

He is indeed a very immature and confused man. While being infatuated with the AP, he was looking for an engagement ring for me. I asked him why he would do that when he clearly knows he has feelings for another woman. He told me it's because he thought it's normal to have feelings for other people but I'm the one that he wants to be with. He said he even told her about his plans of getting an engagement ring and her thoughts on it. The thought of them having that conversation disgusts me. The thought of the scenario of where I didn't find out the time I did, the engagement ring that I would've gotten would've been determined by his AP. It's just repulsive to think of that. 

I am fully aware that I am lucky in the sense that I found out when I did because it was very clear to me this EA was heading down the road of full blown affair. I think in some ways, we were meant to have that argument shortly after our anni or else this would've never come out. I would still be lied to and blinded. He had so many chances to confess because of our different conversations surrounding cheating and he never did. He just kept on lying about his commitment to me and our relationship. 

Do they ever understand the extent to which they damaged us, hurt us and destroyed us? I feel utterly broken and now I'm left with the difficult task of piecing myself together. It really sucks to feel that I am being punished because I love him wholeheartedly and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. None of this fair but yet we are forced to deal with it. 
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AnywhereButHere
"...it's normal to have feelings for other people..."

It is, as I told my wife. Her feelings and infatuations, her lusts and fantasies are matters between her and God - even as her husband they are none of my business. I have no right nor any desire to be walking around in her head monitoring things.

I also told my wife that after a 30+ year career in crushingly boring office work with attractive women in the mixed-gender workplace, I know what it is to be a married man who has developed an infatuation with another woman. And years of experience has convinced me that infatuations settle down and disappear in a matter of weeks...unless they are nurtured through inappropriate engagement with the other person. If they are nurtured, infatuations become affairs - emotional and/or physical. And the line that delineates between appropriate and inappropriate interaction is clearly drawn and easily discerned. It's normal to have feelings for other people. It's cheating to act on them and do or say things that you would not do or say if your husband/wife was standing next to you.

"Do they ever understand the extent to which they damaged us, hurt us and destroyed us?"

At one point post DDay when my wife and I were out to dinner and discussing her EA, I looked at her and kind of marveled, saying, "You really have no idea what you've done to me, do you?" My wife had been cheated on and betrayed in other relationships...but not after a 28-year marriage. They say that, for the WS, confession/revelation of the affair is kind of a relief and they are caught up with feelings of, "OK, now we can move on from what I've done and start rebuilding..." Their focus is on leaving the affair behind. The BS spouse is, meanwhile, wondering how they are going to carry this betrayal, this horror, through the rest of their married life.

I haven't gone far enough along to know if the WS ever, truly, confronts and owns what they have done. I don't know if it's inevitable. For my wife, I think if I forced her to confront herself right here and now - it would destroy her. But that doesn't mean that our job as BSs is learning how to pretend that 'all is well and wonderful'. Be honest with yourself and your husband. Express pain when you feel it. But be wary of the urge to devastate them as much as they have devastated you. That's not the goal, or it shouldn't be. What you want is for them to understand that your view of them and your marriage, even of yourself, has been changed by what they've done. That is part of what makes their affair a 'trauma' rather than being merely an injury from which you'll eventually recover. Their affair has changed you and your world. I often describe it as my wife and her AP have set fire to our house. The fire is out now...but we have to now learn how to live in a burnt house.
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
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tobefree
Thank you for your reply, AnywhereButhere. I understand where you are coming from by what you said below: 

It is, as I told my wife. Her feelings and infatuations, her lusts and fantasies are matters between her and God - even as her husband they are none of my business. I have no right nor any desire to be walking around in her head monitoring things.

I also told my wife that after a 30+ year career in crushingly boring office work with attractive women in the mixed-gender workplace, I know what it is to be a married man who has developed an infatuation with another woman. And years of experience has convinced me that infatuations settle down and disappear in a matter of weeks...unless they are nurtured through inappropriate engagement with the other person.

However, for me, I disagree. I don't believe having feelings for other people when you are in a relationship, especially a committed one is normal or ok. Finding people attractive to me is normal because we all know what looks nice and what doesn't, like something nice we see in a store. That doesn't mean we'll buy everything we see that's nice. To me having feelings is already the initial step in crossing the line. It means that relationship and attraction has meaning. It's no longer a simple 'look, that person is attractive.' There is a desire, however small that might be and that's what leads to the eventual affairs if it's continued and reciprocated on the other side. Feelings develop over time. I believe when we are in committed relationships, when we are aware our level attraction with other people, other than our spouse, then we need to cut that off right away with the right boundary of saying, "yes, that person might be attractive but I made a commitment to my relationship and my partner, therefore, I'm not going to allow it to move further than that." Infatuations are even worse because it means you are thinking about that person more than you should beyond your normal coworker/friend relationship. If 2 people were single, and they are infatuated with one another, they will most likely pursue a relationship. But when 2 people are attracted to another, it doesn't necessarily mean they will pursue a relationship together because they still need time to get to know one another a little bit more to develop the initial chemistry, the feelings you are referring to. That is my take on feelings for others. I respect your opinion but to me, having feelings for another person when you are in a relationship is treading on dangerous water.

As for your 2nd point: 

That's not the goal, or it shouldn't be. What you want is for them to understand that your view of them and your marriage, even of yourself, has been changed by what they've done. That is part of what makes their affair a 'trauma' rather than being merely an injury from which you'll eventually recover. Their affair has changed you and your world. I often describe it as my wife and her AP have set fire to our house. The fire is out now...but we have to now learn how to live in a burnt house.

I really like your analogy of the burnt house. I can tell from your post that you really love your wife still because you are considerate of her feelings and therefore you don't want to overwhelm her with the consequences of her actions. I am actually the same as you. I love him a lot and therefore, I am careful. But like you know, being in a perpetual state of pain, while they are not able to be there for us during this time makes it that much harder. Maybe for me it's still too new and raw but I just feel like I'm drowning in my pain, while still need to be considerate of his feelings because that hurts me too, knowing he is hurting too. I read the 180 that others have recommended but a lot of those things are really hard to do. I will still try my best to do what I can but at the moment, I am still having a really hard time in how to balance between what I feel and how to approach this relationship or figure out what to do with it, just on my side. I know he needs to decide for his side. I realized after coming here that I too need to give him space to figure it out on his own. This whole thing is just a tough place to be in. 
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hurting
My ring too is something that disgusts me and I never want to look at or touch ever again. I read a journal entry whilst he was in the ‘fog’ where he wished he had given the object of his EA the ring instead. I’m sure you can imagine how I feel about that. As it stands, I feel like I truly do understand your pain...

when i I read that journal entry, I ran out of the house, had a mental break down, just about ran into traffic, called my psychologist who was extremely alarmed and told me I had to either kick him out or leave myself because I NEEDED space away from him (he was out of the fog by this stage but reading those words were so very terribly damaging to me). 

You probably already have, but put the ring away somewhere where you don’t have to see it. Do you have family or friends who you can go to? I think you’re right. For your sake and your sanity, you need to remove yourself from this situation.

As for HOW to help heal yourself and balance how torn you feel...? There’s no quick answer... but the first step I would take would be to reach out to those who would support you (including all of us here), your family etc. removing yourself from the situation is part of it. 

I remember feeling so very alone and hurting so badly. I’ll be honest- there is no way to make it just disappear. I don’t know if you’re religious, but praying, spending time with my friends and family who knew, and doing anything I could to distract myself would help... marginally. The pain would still be there, but those brief periods when I didn’t feel completely overwhelmed were needed, or I would’ve gone insane. The pain and the triggers always came back, but being able to wall them off to an extent worked for me. 

I don’t know if that’s healthy or the right thing to do. On one hand, I felt like I needed to feel the pain in every way to be able to move on eventually. But there was just so much of it that it took a very long time... and the suffering was intense. On the other hand, I would at times compartmentalise and try to stuff it down in order to keep functioning. It was a crazy balance of opening the flood gates and letting the pain sweep over me, and trying to force it back and lock it up. 

although it’s normal to ask ‘how could he do this’ and ‘why did he do this’, I got quite stuck in these areas. In retrospect, I think the better thing to ask is ‘what do I need now?’, and working on how to meet your own needs as they are right now.

honestly? I don’t think you need to be considerate of his feelings. I think HE needs to be considerate of YOUR feelings. I do understand that you might say this because you are living together and what not, but no. YOU are the priority here. I can’t say I gave a rat’s arse about my WS’s feelings on d-day. If he was scared or hurt? GOOD. He damn well deserved to feel those things and 1 million times worse. He burst into tears once as I caught him out in a lie and I went to leave. That made me pause and I reluctantly didn’t, but as far as I’m concerned, he deserves EVERY SINGLE bad thing he feels. I’m not in the business of coddling him to make him feel better and tell him he’s not a scumbag... because he IS one and it’s high time he faced that fact. Sure he’s hurting. He CHOSE to hurt everyone. You and I did not choose this, yet we are hurt far worse than they. He made this bed... now he has to sleep in it.

I’m angry. I’m angry FOR you. Because you shouldn’t have to feel bad about possibly hurting HIM. He has just destroyed your world and you are still worried that he may be hurting because he chose to hurt you. It’s madness. I can’t say I don’t understand because I do to an extent... but it’s time for YOU to be selfish and care about you more, and him less...

I see myself in so much of your story that my heart aches for you. You are already in a better place than I was, being here and looking to leave. I was so naive and stupid. I wish I had been brave enough to put me first. I wish I had been strong enough to leave. 

All I can say is this; it hurts terribly right now, I know. But you CAN and will be ok again. With OR without him. The pain does become less. And you will be stronger. 
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Keepabuzz
Deal the sleep issue immediately. Take Melatonin, see a doctor, whatever. For months after DDay I existed on 2-3 hour of sleep a night. Now I have high-blood pressure.



I couldn’t agree more. This road is already unbearable, lack of sleep makes it even harder to handle. I got prescription sleep meds from my GP. I also got high blood pressure. I’m 4 years out from D-day and at a doctors appointment last week I finally tested barely in the normal range. On the high side, but within the range or normal. I truly believe the trauma of my wife’s affair, and this raid to healing has literally taken years off my life. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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tobefree
hurting wrote:


1) I don’t know if that’s healthy or the right thing to do. On one hand, I felt like I needed to feel the pain in every way to be able to move on eventually. But there was just so much of it that it took a very long time... and the suffering was intense. On the other hand, I would at times compartmentalise and try to stuff it down in order to keep functioning. It was a crazy balance of opening the flood gates and letting the pain sweep over me, and trying to force it back and lock it up. 

2) I’m angry. I’m angry FOR you. Because you shouldn’t have to feel bad about possibly hurting HIM. He has just destroyed your world and you are still worried that he may be hurting because he chose to hurt you. It’s madness. I can’t say I don’t understand because I do to an extent... but it’s time for YOU to be selfish and care about you more, and him less...

3) I see myself in so much of your story that my heart aches for you. You are already in a better place than I was, being here and looking to leave. I was so naive and stupid. I wish I had been brave enough to put me first. I wish I had been strong enough to leave. 
 


Hi Hurting, thank you for your support and understanding. Your 1st point is exactly how I am right now. Like today is one of those days where I'm just overwhelmed with pain and heartbreak and all of those stuff. And I'm fully aware, today is just one of those days where I can't push those feelings away to I'm just letting it be. Luckily I'm at home today and he's at work so I can just be. But even then it is so extremely painful. Most days I try to shove it down too, like you say, just so I can function and still go to work and do work. But somehow I feel like this is becoming less and less and possible. Maybe because my defense mechanism is finally breaking down? My denial is losing it's power and reality of it all is really settling in, whether I like it or not? There are just so many points of pain that I have no idea which one to tackle or deal with first. Trying to stay afloat these days is extremely hard. 

As for your 2nd point, thank you for feeling angry for me, as I am fully aware that I shouldn't care about he's feelings right now given what he did. I know that fully well but somehow I just can't. I actually hate the fact that I can't control my feelings for him because it continues to hurt myself. I want to be able to just not give a f**k about him because I am fully aware that he caused this and no amount of our past history justifies him cheating. I actually didn't realized how much I actually loved him after all this came out because I was even surprised with my responses towards him. I had care and support and understanding towards him and it really sucks. Plus he was in the fog and is still in the fog here and there and so i'ts extremely hurtful to me. That is also why I know, not matter how we are interacting while we still live together, I have to move out to give myself a chance to really sort this out and self-heal. Because what I realized is, as long as I can see him, I will always cave and try to 'make things work,' while he takes this as a sign that he can address he's grief with me and our past. He is a very immature man but also a selfish one because not all immature people are selfish to that extent. I just don't understand why, even till this very moment, I still love him...I actually hate that because I know by continuing to do so, I'm just hurting myself even more, as I am fully aware he doesn't understand what he did to me fully, he has no idea to extent to which I'm hurting and being destroyed. He can't be there for me. 

Thanks hurting and I'm sorry you went through somethings like I have and still am. I fully understand how painful that is. Thanks for the encouragement. I actually sought this out because my coworker told me I should look for online resources because there are a lot of forums and stories of how people are dealing with this. She went through that with her marriage too. If it weren't for her, I don't think I'd be here this quickly. I don't think you should say that about yourself. You didn't do what I did was because you were in shock, in pain, overwhelmed and still loved him. I mean we are hurting this much is because we love them or else we won't be here. We'd be like, "oh yea, you treat me this way, fine, I don't give a sh*t." We hurt this bad because we love them dearly. Betrayal with no love is already painful but betrayal with your significant other is what we are all dealing with and went through. There are just no words to describe our pain and sufferings.

Thanks, Keepabuzz. I made a doc appoint tomorrow to go over my sleep issue. I would've never thought to address that until I saw the advice here so thank you all! 🙂
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Keepabuzz
I agree with Hurting. I’m sure my wife was dealing with her own pain after d-day. I was glad she was. It was all HER choices. I was in far, far more pain and suffering, and none of it was due to ANY of MY choices. I didn’t make a single effort to “spare her feelings” for a very long time. On the contrary, I made lots of efforts to make her understand MY pain, and what she had done to me. I have read where we BS’s need to make it feel safe for our WS’s. I don’t now and never had agreed with that line of thinking. I couldn’t have cared less if she felt safe to talk to me after d-day. I was a lot of things, but safe certainly wasn’t one of them. Neither was coherent, sane, or reasonable....

Stop worrying about him and his feelings or his pain. Worry about yourself. You are the only person in this world that can heal you. Go look in the mirror. Take a good look, because that person you see there is the only person that will ALWAYS put you first. 

I wasn't good at this at all for a very long time, but SELF CARE, SELF CARE, SELF CARE. I can not stress that enough. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
I was just 100% honest.  I didn't try to hurt my husband, nor did I try to protect him.  If my honest emotions/thoughts/feelings/reactions hurt him - well, that was the consequences of his actions and choices.  

I did go out of my way not to be cruel or vindictive to him or the AP - not for them, but for me.  Because it fit my values and who I choose to be.  But beyond that, I was honest, raw and vulnerable  I told him every painful, ugly thought that went through my head in the first 6-12 months.  I screamed, cried, railed, wept, keened and at times, raged.   

If our relationship was to survive it HAD to be one built on truth - mine and his.  Otherwise I was ready to walk away.  I knew I'd still love him for a long time - maybe forever in some capacity.  But I also knew that I loved myself and was capable of creating a new life and loving again.  What I was not capable of doing was swallowing pain, pretending that I was okay when I wasn't and building a "new" marriage without fixing the issues of the old one.  If I had not seen  tremendous emotional growth, transparency, humility and willingness to own what he had done from my husband, I would have to leave - and he was well aware of it.  I made it clear exactly what my boundaries were - and what I would need to do to self-protect (not punish) if they weren't upheld.

I was only interested in a relationship that I could be myself and still be loved.  Otherwise, I'd be wearing a mask in my own home  Too exhausting.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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