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Graceandhope
I just want to say nothing you said or did pushed him towards his AP. It's the choice he wanted to make at the time and however you reacted would have been justification for his actions/choices . Anger-see your just irrational and he miserable. Sorrow- he just can't handle seeing your reactions. Minimal response/ see you aren't really that upset you must want out too.

If he come around after you've gotten used to him not being there that just means he will have to put the effort in and earn a right to be a fixture in your life again. That's not such a bad thing.
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Negarcia
Graceandhope wrote:
I just want to say nothing you said or did pushed him towards his AP. It's the choice he wanted to make at the time and however you reacted would have been justification for his actions/choices . Anger-see your just irrational and he miserable. Sorrow- he just can't handle seeing your reactions. Minimal response/ see you aren't really that upset you must want out too.

If he come around after you've gotten used to him not being there that just means he will have to put the effort in and earn a right to be a fixture in your life again. That's not such a bad thing.


Thank you Grace and hope

It's crazy how we take blame for a lot of thier choices. You are right, it was my anger and sorrow and pain he can't bear to see the pain but he truly lost his emotions. He can't show the kids love. He thinks his words are okay but not many actions. The shame is killing him but he still won't change because when he's with her he feels no shame or pain because it's fantasy. I pray he heals and sees the truth but we never know how long it will take.

Thank you again for your kind words.
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comingclean
guys - i hate reading your stories, it makes me sad to see the continuing pain while your WSs clear their heads.  I can't believe I became that WS.  I loved the description of adding things to the "WTF list" - very true - I will have to tell my BS about that one.
As a WS, something that Kal said resonated with me when I was longing for contact w AP (the longing does still happen every now and again, but the contact has not - I am very proud of my NC... the little things).  But I digress, back to Kals advice:
As calmly as you can, tell your WS to listen to that little voice - we all have them.  There must be a fleeting moment where he made a mental note of some imperfection in his AP, but chose to ignore it b/c of the fog.  But tell him to listen to that voice, and project it X years down the road, when life becomes REAL again... could he see just letting that imperfection or flaw pass?  Just try to get him to consider that... maybe it will help get him out of the fog.  I probably would not try to start naming flaws - he may become defensive... I would just tell him to listen to that little voice - chances are very good that he has had that moment. 

And remember, the AP is NOT perfect - far from it.  It may be hard to believe early on, depending on where your head is, but there is a SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER CHANCE you are a much better fit for your WS (if you chose to take him/her back) - just look at statistics.
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