I'm so sorry for the both of you! Heidi, the timed talks really helped us. It helped my husband know that we wouldn't end up talking all night. I also felt like I talked so much then (at first) that my points got lost because I was panic/talking. It was great to have a kind of "time-out" word so if things got too emotional that we could take a minute or ten and come back together to continue.
It really helped me to realize that I have a choice in the matter, too. And that just because I didn't cheat or leave my family, I realized that I didn't have to stay in the marriage. I had choices too. You don't have to accept this. Spending time alone (or with my kids without him) really helped me see that I didn't need my husband. It helped me understand that I didn't need him financially or emotionally. It helped me see that I wanted him, that I accepted his faults and that even though I could be fine without him, I chose him.
Even now, I feel that seed of doubt that he planted. But I am able to talk to him (in a gentle way) that I'm feeling disconnected or unloved because of this trigger or this song, or this place. And I have to take a step back and remember that my husband is here. That I didn't only choose him, but he chose me. He is trying, too.
Then something amazing happened. I began to let go of the blame. I would call it "the affair" and I wouldn't hurl her name in his face and the power that those things had over me are gone.
Take care of yourself. Let yourself feel things. Don't be in a rush to decide. Be strong. Be kind to youself. And just know, you have a choice. You matter, too. Much love, sisters!!
When I did the 180 I also realized I don't need him but also choose him. He seems to be moving in the direction of wanting us but I'm not sure, because in the back of my mind, I question it a lot.
I have to learn how to talk to him no matter how uncomfortable we both get with out anger.
Thanks for the tips. I know the kids and I are the most important.