Tdcr1961

 Would you think you would know someone after 32 years of marriage? votes

 Hopefully, after that long! 6 votes
75%
 Not always, people change! 2 votes
25%
Multiple choice poll. This poll has been closed.
As I run through the last few months after finding out about my husband's affair. I keep coming back to the same question. Can I believe him when he says he loves me, when he says he wants our marriage, he wants me, that he is sorry and most of all when he says she meant nothing to him. He says he was brainwashed by her telling him what he wanted to here.
You see this person he had the affair with was suppose to be my best friend. So she knew we were hitting a rough patch in our marriage. This was her 5th or 6th married man she had had an affair with. She was also seeing other men when she was with my husband.
Am I just the one that was left when he finished with her or is his love real. His lies were likes knives in my heart. Each lie worse then the last. How do I get that trust back, that faith in him back?
To Believe or not to Believe!!!! HELP............
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
He needs to prove it to you. What do you think would help you regain his trust?
Quote 0 0
Tdcr1961
Negarcia,
Thank you for your reply! He is trying to prove it, but that doubt in me just doesn't seem to get better. He is good about assuring me he is being honest and my heart wants to believe him but my head doesn't.
I really don't know what else he could do to help me regain his trust. They say time heals all wounds, I am not sure about that my pain is horrible. I think he would do whatever he needed to to save the marriage. I hope this is really what I want, we have been married 32 years.
Thanks, Terri!!
Quote 0 0
UrbanExplorer
I am so sorry you were doubly betrayed. Also, in a long marriage, we can get complacent about communication and connection. If he is working on both of those things with you, trying to build a better relationship than you had even before the affair, those are good signs.
Quote 0 0
Tdcr1961
Thank you, UrbanExplorer for your comment.
I needed to hear that. Those are good signs and he is a good guy!!
God Bless!!!
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
I agree with Urban those are good signs. My husband works out of town and has started sending us pictures of where he is and what he is doing but in my mind I still question if it's all true or if he's doing it to cover up more lies. But I need to learn to kind of give him the benefit of the doubt otherwise my thoughts will take over and I will feel worse. Our mind likes to play tricks on us. So I have to ask some more questions just so I can be at peace.
It will get better and you know deep down inside he is a good guy who is trying. Have you shared your thoughts with him.?
Quote 0 0
Heidi
I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. The first months after discovering betrayal are like a roller coaster. Your whole world and everything you believe in has been turned upside down, and it's hard to believe anything.

In my case I do believe my husband loved me, but for a while (during the affair and aftermath) he loved himself more. It took him time, and a lot of counselling, to see what a selfish choice he had made. I think it was probably 6 months until things truly became clear in his mind. 17 months out, I don't doubt his love, but back in the early days I really did.

The one thing that helped me get through this was learning to believe in myself. Reconciliation is a huge leap of faith - you're choosing to stay with the one person who has hurt you more than anything. But if you can believe that you'll be okay no matter the outcome, it can give you some strength to get through the bad days. It did take me a lot of counselling to get this belief back though.

You've had a double betrayal, and so much to process. It will be a long time before you can learn to trust again. But that's okay, it's all part of recovery.
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
Heidi wrote:
I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. The first months after discovering betrayal are like a roller coaster. Your whole world and everything you believe in has been turned upside down, and it's hard to believe anything.

In my case I do believe my husband loved me, but for a while (during the affair and aftermath) he loved himself more. It took him time, and a lot of counselling, to see what a selfish choice he had made. I think it was probably 6 months until things truly became clear in his mind. 17 months out, I don't doubt his love, but back in the early days I really did.

The one thing that helped me get through this was learning to believe in myself. Reconciliation is a huge leap of faith - you're choosing to stay with the one person who has hurt you more than anything. But if you can believe that you'll be okay no matter the outcome, it can give you some strength to get through the bad days. It did take me a lot of counselling to get this belief back though.

You've had a double betrayal, and so much to process. It will be a long time before you can learn to trust again. But that's okay, it's all part of recovery.


Heidi

How did you communicate the way you felt to him during your feelings of doubt?

I struggling with this, it seems you husband takes one step forward and then one step back with the communication.

It kind of feels like he wants to be free and clear and not discuss this event at all or go to counseling which I know he needs to do but hasn't done it yet. I told him he needs to do that before we work on us.
Quote 0 0
Heidi
I think sometimes you need to be factual. I explained how his actions made me feel unloved. That it was hard to feel loved when he had treated me so badly. He did something to me that I wouldn't do to my worst enemy, let alone somebody I loved.

I think at this stage we were both trying to show each other empathy. He would try to put himself in my shoes, whilst I understood his frustration that I didn't believe him. By that point he was the boy that cried wolf. He could have been the most loving person in the world and I still would have been guarded.

Counselling helped us both a lot (especially individual counselling). We spent most of our time talking to each other, no mater how painful and draining it was. In those early days we would talk into the early hours, and it was completely draining.

Of all the things you need to work on the relationship, I think communication and empathy are the most important. But it has to come from both you AND him.
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
Heidi wrote:
I think sometimes you need to be factual. I explained how his actions made me feel unloved. That it was hard to feel loved when he had treated me so badly. He did something to me that I wouldn't do to my worst enemy, let alone somebody I loved.

I think at this stage we were both trying to show each other empathy. He would try to put himself in my shoes, whilst I understood his frustration that I didn't believe him. By that point he was the boy that cried wolf. He could have been the most loving person in the world and I still would have been guarded.

Counselling helped us both a lot (especially individual counselling). We spent most of our time talking to each other, no mater how painful and draining it was. In those early days we would talk into the early hours, and it was completely draining.

Of all the things you need to work on the relationship, I think communication and empathy are the most important. But it has to come from both you AND him.


Thank you Heidi and I meant to say my husband takes one step forward and one step back. I am in IC but he isn't and it has helped me a lot. I hope my husband decideds to go soon, so we can start working on us properly.

I guess im just afraid if I bring it up it will push him away.
Quote 0 0
Heidi
I completely understand that fear. And maybe he's afraid if he tells you too much then he will push you away as well. But you do both need to work through this together.

Can you explain your fears to him, and say that unless the two of you really talk about things then there's a risk that you won't be able to reconcile things. It's like lancing a boil, painful, but necessary if you don't want the infection to spread.

My IC advised that we shouldn't talk about it constantly, but maybe choose half an hour a day, when the kids were asleep, to talk directly about the affair. We didn't really keep to this, but in the early days it can give the WS the courage to face questions, knowing they will only last for a certain amount of time each day.

I hope your WS does come around to IC. It's helped my husband so much, not just to understand why he did what he did, but also to see things from my perspective. It's also helped him to accept himself, both the good and the bad.
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
Heidi wrote:
I completely understand that fear. And maybe he's afraid if he tells you too much then he will push you away as well. But you do both need to work through this together.

Can you explain your fears to him, and say that unless the two of you really talk about things then there's a risk that you won't be able to reconcile things. It's like lancing a boil, painful, but necessary if you don't want the infection to spread.

My IC advised that we shouldn't talk about it constantly, but maybe choose half an hour a day, when the kids were asleep, to talk directly about the affair. We didn't really keep to this, but in the early days it can give the WS the courage to face questions, knowing they will only last for a certain amount of time each day.

I hope your WS does come around to IC. It's helped my husband so much, not just to understand why he did what he did, but also to see things from my perspective. It's also helped him to accept himself, both the good and the bad.


Thank you Heidi,

I am going to try and talk to him this weekend. I won't push it but will tell him what my fears are.
I also hope he comes around and goes to IC. It has helped me see a lot of what I needed to change in myself and it has also allowed me to see myself worth that I lost.

Thank you

I'll keep you posted
Quote 0 0
Hurting13
Gals,
I'm so sorry for the both of you! Heidi, the timed talks really helped us. It helped my husband know that we wouldn't end up talking all night. I also felt like I talked so much then (at first) that my points got lost because I was panic/talking. It was great to have a kind of "time-out" word so if things got too emotional that we could take a minute or ten and come back together to continue.

It really helped me to realize that I have a choice in the matter, too. And that just because I didn't cheat or leave my family, I realized that I didn't have to stay in the marriage. I had choices too. You don't have to accept this. Spending time alone (or with my kids without him) really helped me see that I didn't need my husband. It helped me understand that I didn't need him financially or emotionally. It helped me see that I wanted him, that I accepted his faults and that even though I could be fine without him, I chose him.

Even now, I feel that seed of doubt that he planted. But I am able to talk to him (in a gentle way) that I'm feeling disconnected or unloved because of this trigger or this song, or this place. And I have to take a step back and remember that my husband is here. That I didn't only choose him, but he chose me. He is trying, too.

Then something amazing happened. I began to let go of the blame. I would call it "the affair" and I wouldn't hurl her name in his face and the power that those things had over me are gone.

Take care of yourself. Let yourself feel things. Don't be in a rush to decide. Be strong. Be kind to youself. And just know, you have a choice. You matter, too. Much love, sisters!!
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
Hurting13 wrote:
Gals,
I'm so sorry for the both of you! Heidi, the timed talks really helped us. It helped my husband know that we wouldn't end up talking all night. I also felt like I talked so much then (at first) that my points got lost because I was panic/talking. It was great to have a kind of "time-out" word so if things got too emotional that we could take a minute or ten and come back together to continue.

It really helped me to realize that I have a choice in the matter, too. And that just because I didn't cheat or leave my family, I realized that I didn't have to stay in the marriage. I had choices too. You don't have to accept this. Spending time alone (or with my kids without him) really helped me see that I didn't need my husband. It helped me understand that I didn't need him financially or emotionally. It helped me see that I wanted him, that I accepted his faults and that even though I could be fine without him, I chose him.

Even now, I feel that seed of doubt that he planted. But I am able to talk to him (in a gentle way) that I'm feeling disconnected or unloved because of this trigger or this song, or this place. And I have to take a step back and remember that my husband is here. That I didn't only choose him, but he chose me. He is trying, too.

Then something amazing happened. I began to let go of the blame. I would call it "the affair" and I wouldn't hurl her name in his face and the power that those things had over me are gone.

Take care of yourself. Let yourself feel things. Don't be in a rush to decide. Be strong. Be kind to youself. And just know, you have a choice. You matter, too. Much love, sisters!!


Hurting

When I did the 180 I also realized I don't need him but also choose him. He seems to be moving in the direction of wanting us but I'm not sure, because in the back of my mind, I question it a lot.

I have to learn how to talk to him no matter how uncomfortable we both get with out anger.

Thanks for the tips. I know the kids and I are the most important.
Quote 0 0
Tdcr1961
You gals are great!! Your comments are uplifting and so encouraging. I pray for each and everyone of you and your families!!! God bless you all! Love from Texas!!!
Thanks Terri!!!
Quote 0 0