wolfgrrl
It's only been 7 weeks since my husband finally admitted to the affair. But, I've suspected since November, so for me, it feels like this has been going on forever. My husband fell into a deep depression and dealt with severe anxiety just before I called him out on the affair. So it has been a long road since April when he had a breakdown. So I've been trying to be supportive and let him deal with the depression and anxiety and get that under control before we dealt with us. He's living at home (although sleeping on the couch) and our day to day routine feels like normal. When I first tried talking to him more about the affair, he was defensive and didn't want to answer questions, and mostly just wanted to run away. In fact he did, for a couple of days. But he came back and in the 7 weeks that have passed, he seems to be doing better and feeling less like running. So I need to start a conversation again about what happened and where we are going. He's going to tell me he isn't ready, he's told others that is the case still. But I don't see how either of us can ever decide what we want if we don't start talking about something. And moving forward. So I know it is time and I have to start the conversation again. I hate to think that I could throw him back into the depression. No matter how much he has hurt me, I don't want to hurt him. And I am very non-confrontational. It is a weakness of mine. So this is hard for me too. Starting a conversation I know will be painful. Knowing the answers could mean major changes in my life. But I need to be strong. Because for my own mental well being, I need to start moving forward. Even if it is slowly. Because right now I am completely confused about what I want for the future too. And I know I won't be able to decide what is best for me until I get some answers from him.

Who else is in the same place as me? How are you handling the confusion? And for those who have already moved past this part, what advice do you have?
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UrbanExplorer
Can you make a list of things you would like to know and ask him to be honest but take his time? He could write his answers. I think someone else here did that. Like your H, I withdraw in face to face confrontation.
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wolfgrrl
Yes, I've heard that advice. Right now, I just want to start small. I want to know where he is at with IC and his depression and anxiety. We've been living as husband and wife, but I need to know if he is committed to our relationship, our vows, at least for now. I know neither of us can promise what the future holds because we have A LOT of work to do on us. But I need some sense of commitment. And I want to start talking. I'm planning to suggest we talk for an hour a week. One topic, we can alternate who chooses. But it has to be about US, not the kids, not the extended family, not work. The questions about the affair, I know I have to go slow because that will be hard for him. I want to ask him how he feels about that, how he would like to handle that. I would suggest me only asking 2-3 questions each time, no more than that. But I need commitment from him that he can and will be 100% honest. I've written down the ones I have, and I've considered getting the answers in text, writing, e-mail. But I am worried if I can't see his face, I won't believe they are the truth. But I don't know. Maybe some of the ones that will make him really uncomfortable could be done in writing. Thanks for the response UrbanExplorer.
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Jennifer
It sounds like you are in a place where you need answers in order to make an informed choice on how to move forward. I think this is not unreasonable for you to do. I like the suggestion of taking it slow and setting aside a time where you can talk without distractions.

If he is still not willing to answer your questions that in itself may be a sign for you. He needs to be willing to be 100% open and honest with you and if he cannot do this then you will need to decide if you are willing to wait longer and if not, then what will that look like for you. 

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wolfgrrl
I know I need answers. I just keep finding reasons not to talk to him. I'm good at avoidance and procrastination. [smile] But this is eating at me more and more everyday. I just don't know what I want at all, and I know I can't begin to sort any of it out without some answers. I feel like we have settled back into this normalcy. And for him I think it feels very real, very normal. For me though, it is torture. We are acting like life is fine, but it isn't. There is a herd of elephants sitting in the room and we aren't talking about them. Sure, he isn't having an affair now. But there are some deep issues with our marriage that need to get sorted out, or we both now we will be back here in 3 years all over again.

My therapist and my support circle all tell me I need to give myself time in my decision as well. That in time, what I want and need will come clear to me. Maybe it is my impatience. Maybe it is my indecisiveness in general. But the see-saw of my thoughts lately, going back and forth from I should just leave him and put this mess behind me to I love him and I believe WE deserve a chance, it is driving me crazy. I feel like it will never end. So is everyone right? Will I eventually sort out what I want? Will it come clear at some point, or do you just get so tired of the emotional drain of it all that you just make a decision because any decision is better than the constant pain of thinking about it?
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