mermaid
We have been fighting really hard for our marriage to survive his affair. Finally found a great counselor! One step forward, two steps back mostly. But there are days when I have hope.

To help our healing, we decided to move. I love the new town. People are so friendly and genuinely happy to be here. My new job is great. His new job? Not the greatest. His affair was with a coworker and he changed careers.

Unfortunately, he had connected with someone in his old field. She has been an advocate for him to return to it. It’s now even turned into a job offer. Not a very secure job (part-time, no benefits) but he would be back doing what he was trained to do and something he enjoys.

There are many things to consider about him changing jobs again. And one of them is that I already have bad feelings about her. She invited us to her birthday party. I watched them interact and it was like watching him interact with his old AP. I had such a feeling of panic because I felt like I was watching history repeat itself.

I told him how I felt immediately after the party. He listed and responded so well, so kindly. We had a good discussion. We all work at the same organization, but in different departments. I was still willing to work on trusting him. 

But now, this. Now she is offering him a job in her department. I already told him I don’t want to spend another 2 years of my life convincing myself that there is nothing going on between them. I feel that that is where I’m headed if they work directly together. 

At the same time, this is a great opportunity for him. And I don’t want to spend the rest of our lives limiting his potential.

I feel like maybe it is best to separate and let him go. In the 18 months since DDay, I have thought about it often but mostly because I was so angry and hurt. Now, I really don’t see how we can have a positive life together. I don’t think I can ever trust him with a female coworker, and I don’t feel comfortable limiting his potential.

Is it finally time to let go of the marriage? 
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
The are many prices to be paid for adultery. You didn’t commit adultery and destroy your trust, he did. After my wife’s affair, I have strong boundaries, and they are non-negotiable. If she doesn’t want to abide by them, the other option is the door.  I’m not some controlling guy, never was before, and have no desire to ever be. Although I certainly was in the first year after d-day.  There will be no secrets, I will always have her passwords to every account. I can look through her phone or online accounts/email whenever I choose, forever.  I always allowed her before that opportunity before during and after her affair. I don’t care about privacy concerns, we are married. If she doesn’t like it, she can leave. Now, I’m over 3 years out from d-day, and I can’t remember the last time I looked at any of her accounts or phone, BUT I reserve the right to forever, or when she moves out. Don’t feel guilty because your spicy senses are tingling. Listen to then, I sure wish I had when my wife was betraying me, instead of listening to her words and gaslighting. If that job makes you uncomfortable, tell him you don’t want him to take it, and don’t feel bad about it. This is the bed he made. If he is unhappy, he can leave. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 2 0
hurting
I agree- this is a price that he has to pay. He made his bed so now he must sleep in it. 

It comes down to priorities. Are you more important? Or his job? And this new ‘contact’? 

YOU did not cause him to lose his career. HE did. By his own choices. 

He needs to respect that he was the one who MADE you unsafe. You did not choose to be. You don’t CHOOSE what makes you uncomfortable. He created these demons. And if his job and this new person makes you feel uncomfortable and unhappy? Then it’s his job to deal with the triggers and make sure you feel as safe as you can. Priorities.

having said that, I’m not getting a feel for what your husband thinks about this. Have you told him that you’re thinking about separating so you aren’t ‘limiting his potential’?
Quote 1 0
mermaid
I have not talked to him yet. I’m trying to first calm down and figure out my feelings. 

And right now, I’m feeling really strongly that I don’t want deal with this the rest of my life. I don’t want to worry about who he will meet at his next job. I don’t want to worry that the next female coworker (and the next and the next) will lead to another affair. 

Have I just not accepted that this IS my new life, full of worry and lack of trust? I feel like life with him will always be this way. 

And I feel that life with someone else will be better. Not worry-free, but more comfortable.

I’d rather talk about separating than tell him not to take the job. I don’t know when I’ll feel comfortable enough for him to have female coworkers or take a great opportunity that is offered to him by a woman. And in the meantime, my fear is that he will resent me (as he did leading up to the affair) and our relationship will deteriorate anyway. 
Quote 0 0
Vanessa
You have every right to want to build a life with someone who has not already broken your heart.  There are no easy decisions here, but YOU deserve a life of love and joy (and some sadness of course) but you do not deserve a life of anxiety created by the person who professes to love you
Quote 1 0
BorealJ
I think you are on the right track in terms of framing the question to yourself in the right way.  Rather than saying "should I stay with him if he behaves in this or that way", you are saying that you don't want to restrict him from being genuine and pursuing his own fulfilling life, but are not sure that your own feelings about his pursuit of those things will ever lead to a healthy emotional state for yourself.  I guess if you follow that thought pattern forward, you would have to take stock of where you are now and where you've been.  Is there progress towards your most hoped for goal? You probably shouldn't expect to be there right now, but if you see it on the horizon and see your own change as moving in that direction, that's a start.  If he is genuinely moving towards that same goal and you are working together on it, that's a good sign.  The work you are doing might be paying off.  But if it's not, and the only future you see is one where you are a ball of anxiety if he is happy or you feel okay because of the limitations placed on him in order to maintain peace in the relationship, that doesn't seem to be what you are after. 
In terms of the specific question of "is it time to let go?", if you feel you've done the work of looking at who each of you were, are, and want to be and have both defined what your goals for yourselves and your marriage are, then yes it's probably time to look at those goals and decide whether you are going to move into the relationship or out of it.  Choosing to move into it doesn't mean fully giving yourself over to circumstance, but it does mean being intentional about building what you want.
Quote 2 0
Sorry
I think you should give your husband the option. Before you leave.

In the new relationship both of your roles are to hold the other and your relationship.  If you qre genuinely fearful examine what it is In his interaction that makes you fearful, is it just that he is having fun? Or is it his body language, her interest?

Then try to imagine whether a stranger doing the same think would rouse any such feelings. If Then would be regarded as harmless Then you might be over reacting and projecting. Not that your fears are Not important, just that Then may be particularly raw.

It is fair for you to put serious boundaries in place and for both of you to discuss these boundaries and agree on them.  

If this is not possible Then maybe do leave. But maybe he will find his own ways to alleviate your fears. Over time it will get better. 

There is probably a really valid reason you are feeling this way. Dont ignore your gut!
Quote 2 0
MC
Sorry wrote:
I think you should give your husband the option. Before you leave.

In the new relationship both of your roles are to hold the other and your relationship.  If you qre genuinely fearful examine what it is In his interaction that makes you fearful, is it just that he is having fun? Or is it his body language, her interest?

Then try to imagine whether a stranger doing the same think would rouse any such feelings. If Then would be regarded as harmless Then you might be over reacting and projecting. Not that your fears are Not important, just that Then may be particularly raw.

It is fair for you to put serious boundaries in place and for both of you to discuss these boundaries and agree on them.  

If this is not possible Then maybe do leave. But maybe he will find his own ways to alleviate your fears. Over time it will get better. 

There is probably a really valid reason you are feeling this way. Dont ignore your gut!


These are great points.  My wife still has to find ways to alleviate my fears and make me feel safe following her affair.  It is her duty now.

Yes, it does get better over time but for me it is not "back to normal" yet.  I feel like I am still hyper-vigilant at times.  If I feel fearful I ask myself is this an emotional response or an intellectual response?  Because intellectually I know we have moved forward.  Problem is the emotional part of our brains lags behind the intellectual part in healing.

Mind your gut, but ask yourself what your husband needs to do to alleviate your fears, and ask him to do that.

  
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
Quote 2 0
notemanj
Mermaid, 18 months since D Day is still pretty raw in my opinion. You will always have the choice to leave. If you want the relationship with him, let him continue to prove to you that he has changed. 

If this job job makes you feel unsafe, then he needs to keep looking. Remember, that his job is not why he had an affair. If he wants to do it again, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be another coworker. There will ALWAYS be another woman out there willing to participate with him. Coworker, someone from church, someone he meets at a bar... 

Your trust in him will come with time if he is giving you reasons to trust him. As long as he is always available to you, through phone calls, and texting, open online accounts, and no missing time, you can begin to trust him again. 

Are you both seeing counselors? Is he making most efforts to keep you safe (we BS’s can let our minds run rampant and our WS’s can only do so much)? Has he started working on the “why” of the affair and addressing those failures? Do you feel as if your safety is his first priority? If the answer to those questions is “yes,” then I would let him take the job and see where things go. 

However, the second the answer to those questions changes, you need to talk to him and tell him that this is not ok with you and that you will leave. 

I have read that a minimum of 2 years is required for healing. I have seen here that 2 years is just when you start to feel normal again, but not when all of the pain is gone. Be patient with yourself and your feelings. He must be patient, also. 

I wish you all the best that life has to offer. And if it is with him, you will find a way. If it’s not, then you will be fine on your own. There are so many people out there willing to help you. Including us. 
Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 5/15/2018 and counting. 
Quote 2 0
GingerHoneyBunny
You could just put to him, does he want an open marriage  Let him sit on it for a while. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
Quote 0 0
ThrivenotSurvive
notemanj wrote:
Mermaid, 18 months since D Day is still pretty raw in my opinion. You will always have the choice to leave. If you want the relationship with him, let him continue to prove to you that he has changed. 

I have read that a minimum of 2 years is required for healing. I have seen here that 2 years is just when you start to feel normal again, but not when all of the pain is gone. Be patient with yourself and your feelings. He must be patient, also. 
 


I would agree with this - 18 months is still very early, you are very raw and possibly hyper-sensitive/vigilant.  That being said, I don't think it is unreasonable at this stage for him to be willing to do things - even uncomfortable or hard ones - to accommodate YOUR need for safety.  If you were 5 years out, I'd feel differently.  But you aren't - and he needs to accept and honor that.  

If you'd been walking along the sidewalk and a runaway bus had hit and nearly killed you - no one would be surprised if you had a hard time enjoying window shopping on a sidewalk for a few years.  They'd likely support your desire to go a mall instead, and then slowly over time allow you to grow more comfortable with small periods of being on a sidewalk, right?  Same for this.  You have been traumatized. You've been blind-sided. You deserve for HIM to be willing to do anything to reduce your anxiety around that source of trauma (HIM) for quite some time.  

I understand your struggle here - more than you know.  I have never been comfortable telling someone they "can't" do something.  I am not their mother.  And it makes me feel like a controlling psycho.  Who wants a relationship filled with can'ts?  But then I started realizing there is a HUGE difference between being honest about your needs and being controlling.  When you are clear with someone about where your boundaries are and what you are comfortable with (without having to justify those needs) and then let them make their decision of whether they want to be with you or not based on that - that's not controlling.  It's honesty.  It's actually compassionate.  It's actually giving them the information they need to be in a relationship with you.  Controlling is trying to manipulate them to make them take the action you want.  Not giving them a choice.

I wish my husband had been able to be honest with me about his needs - how lonely he was feeling, how much he was still hurting after his father's death, how much he needed me to SEE him.  Even though we were in a difficult situation, I'd have found a way to meet his needs.  His inability to say things he thought would be hurtful/scary/demanding - ended up causing a far more painful series of events to unfold.  

This is my LONG way of saying do not undermine your feelings - you are entitled to them.  Be honest with your husband, without being unkind.  Tell him that you will be way too uncomfortable with him working with this woman right now, and that you know that may not be fair, but you can't deal with that level of stress right now while still healing.  Tell him that that this isn't because you aren't willing to begin trusting him - but rather it's about the fact the PTSD you are still suffering from makes any situation resembling the one that hurt you - a source of unbearable stress.  Say to him, "It's avoidable stress that I can't and don't want to deal with right now." Give him a chance to show you where he is at emotionally.  

And tell him that you considered leaving just to make it easier for him to do what he enjoyed, while allowing you the freedom from the constant stress and worry.  He needs to really know what you've been thinking.  Then let him make his decision.  And if he doesn't chose your comfort - than he's told you all you need to know.  He may very well love you deeply.  But he's not ready to put your comfort and needs equal to, or even at times, above his own.  And if that is true, than you need to decide if that's the way you want to live the rest of your life.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 3 0