Ajay
It's been a long year and I've received some good advice from the good people on this forum. Much of what I have read here and in many online articles has been about forgiveness, trying to repair the relationship and working on things once the WS gets their head straight. Unfortunately, I can't do this stuff on my own and my WS is unlikely to try to repair anything now as he hides and runs away from anything like reality, honesty and truth. I don't have a choice but to sell the house now and try and forget about someone I care about but who constantly says to me that he will always consider me a friend after our 29 years together. Yeah, right ...... So maybe I'm asking is there anyone out there who has had to cut their losses and underwent that healing on their own rather than through any kind of reconciliation? 
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MITM
Ajay wrote:
It's been a long year and I've received some good advice from the good people on this forum. Much of what I have read here and in many online articles has been about forgiveness, trying to repair the relationship and working on things once the WS gets their head straight. Unfortunately, I can't do this stuff on my own and my WS is unlikely to try to repair anything now as he hides and runs away from anything like reality, honesty and truth. I don't have a choice but to sell the house now and try and forget about someone I care about but who constantly says to me that he will always consider me a friend after our 29 years together. Yeah, right ...... So maybe I'm asking is there anyone out there who has had to cut their losses and underwent that healing on their own rather than through any kind of reconciliation? 

Hi Ajay - not quite yet, but have a strong suspicion that I'll be in that space before long. It sounds like your WS is still living in crazy town; some people never leave that particular place, where they can wallow in their own denial and self-delusion without really noticing the ruined lives around them, let along taking responsibility for their ruination. During any attempted reconciliation, it seems to me that it's the WS who has to make most of the running - and that means being open, honest... and yes, vulnerable. If yours can't do that, that's his problem, not yours.

What I find is that sometimes I can glimpse a life ahead of me that doesn't involve my WS; a life that still includes work, good friends and the extended family I love so much. People with empathy will be OK, eventually, because they're not afraid to reach out. It's typically the WS who has the empathy deficit.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Keepabuzz
I agree that the WS has to do most of the changing. We BS have to be willing to let that happen, and be willing to at least work towards forgiveness. I don’t blame anyone for not being able to forgive such a horrific betrayal. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Ajay
Hey Matt and Keepabuzz,
sorry that you are getting to this point Matt. We've been living separately since the beginning of October 2017 since I didn't want to be an option alongside the ongoing (long distance) affair. Like you, I get an idea of what life will be like in the future in a positive light more often now. It's pretty damn hard when I just keep reading about WS's that come back / change their minds/eventually make an effort. I hate the chump lady site since it makes me feel such an idiot for even trying but you're right, the WS has to make the running. I'm probably faltering because I have to face the house sale and it seems more final/ difficult than divorce at the moment! Thanks for listening.
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Vanessa
Ajay, don't feel like an idiot because you tried - you were honoring your vows.  At some point there is nothing left to work with - and YOU must take care of YOU. 
 No matter what happens in the future, the marriage you had died when your spouse made the choices he made.  Perhaps there was a chance for a NEW marriage, some people on this site are working towards building new marriages, but not all WS do return home and many that do come back cheat again so its not like the WS returning guarantees a happy future together. 
You deserve to be more than a plan B
Your heart can heal and you can be happy again - it takes time, lots and lots of time.
hugs to you
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MITM
Ajay wrote:
Hey Matt and Keepabuzz,
sorry that you are getting to this point Matt. We've been living separately since the beginning of October 2017 since I didn't want to be an option alongside the ongoing (long distance) affair. Like you, I get an idea of what life will be like in the future in a positive light more often now. It's pretty damn hard when I just keep reading about WS's that come back / change their minds/eventually make an effort. I hate the chump lady site since it makes me feel such an idiot for even trying but you're right, the WS has to make the running. I'm probably faltering because I have to face the house sale and it seems more final/ difficult than divorce at the moment! Thanks for listening.

Ah yes, the WS that keeps changing their mind. Often come back after the house is sold, divorce under way, all that stuff. That's what happened to me 20 years ago, and I rather think it might happen again this time. What I'm supposed to do with that is anybody's guess, it seems to me.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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MITM
Vanessa wrote:
Ajay, don't feel like an idiot because you tried - you were honoring your vows.  At some point there is nothing left to work with - and YOU must take care of YOU. 
 No matter what happens in the future, the marriage you had died when your spouse made the choices he made.  Perhaps there was a chance for a NEW marriage, some people on this site are working towards building new marriages, but not all WS do return home and many that do come back cheat again so its not like the WS returning guarantees a happy future together. 
You deserve to be more than a plan B
Your heart can heal and you can be happy again - it takes time, lots and lots of time.
hugs to you

Oh yes, it completely sucks to be the safe/default/plan-B option. I know perfectly well that this is what I am, and I really don't think my WS has any idea how humiliating that is, what a total slap in the face it feels like. I know it's not intended that way, but once again: The world's full of people who mean no harm, and cause a great deal of it.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Trinity
Keepabuzz wrote:
I agree that the WS has to do most of the changing. We BS have to be willing to let that happen, and be willing to at least work towards forgiveness. I don’t blame anyone for not being able to forgive such a horrific betrayal. 



I believe that it is the most difficult form of forgiveness.  I also can completely understand that it may not be possible in certain cases.


MattInTheMountains wrote:
I know it's not intended that way, but once again: The world's full of people who mean no harm, and cause a great deal of it.


Sadly, YES - I agree.  Does not give them a "pass" and there lies the puzzle and the pain. 

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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