Throw it out? Confused About What To Do Next
Beginning Member 4 posts Feelinghopefulsometimes Beginning Member 4 posts
Feelinghopefulsometimes
My “Dday” is December 7th. The thought of Christmas and specifically decorating or getting a tree causes a lot of stress. All the decor was up at the time. And we were in the living room when discovery happened. I’ve been thinking I may get rid of all my current Xmas decor and do a re do? Do you think that would be helpful?
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jasmine Bronze Member 70 posts
jasmine
Do whatever makes you feel better. You don’t want to be surrounding yourself with painful reminders, if that’s how you feel. We don’t need to endure unpleasant emotions, it’s oppressive trying to ‘grin and bear it’. 
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ThrivenotSurvive GUIDE 561 posts
ThrivenotSurvive
I would.  If there are some items that were particularly treasured prior (family heirlooms, etc) then I would box them up and stow them for a couple years.  My husband had his affair while working on a long term contract in another city.  It happens to be a city we both love and enjoyed visiting together.  We had LOTS of paintings/artwork/knick knacks of the location all over our house.  After DD I could not stand seeing them - all it did was remind me of the affair.  So, I packed it all up and stored it in our attic for about two years.  At some point, it became part of my healing process to reclaim that city and the things about it I loved.  So I unpacked the stuff - some of it still hit the garbage - some was returned to our decor - on my terms and when I was ready.

Do whatever you need to do to feel more comfortable in your own space.  There are so many things after DD out of our control - so wherever you can - treat yourself with kindness, gentleness and make it as easy for yourself as you possibly can.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Crushed Bronze Member 71 posts
Crushed
The first Christmas after dday I didnt decorate nor put up tree.  It was mind set that I was in.  I had always decorated the whole house, put up outside lights, got fresh tree, made Christmas candy and cookies and it did not make one bit of difference.  So why bother. Second year I did put up tree. 4 days before Christmas but nothing else.  Third year i put up tree and did a little decorations just because my adult children were coming home.   It has just lost all joy for me.  Maybe if I had small children it would be different. There would be a purpose.   So you need to do what you think  will make you comfortable and create happiness within you for the season, because personally I hate the holidays now.
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Bgreen Member 27 posts
Bgreen
Yes I would do whatever you need to do to make it easier for yourself. Our house ended up being a trigger for me (AP was a friend of mine and had spent time in our home and lived in the neighbourhood) so we moved. No step it too significant to undertake if it is causing you to relive trauma. If it means donating all your Christmas decor and starting over, do that! 
Female, BS 21 months post DDay
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hurting Gold Member 553 posts
hurting
Yes. Toss it, burn them or donate them. Get rid of whatever triggers you. Perhaps in time, you will be able to tolerate a new tree and new decorations... but you really should not feel any pressure to keep that decor or decorate. 

I remember we had the tree tree up during new revelations found out during trickle truth. I kicked the tree over and sent all the baubles rolling or smashed them. We got rid of that tree. Had no tree the next year. 

Sometime after that that we bought a beautiful new tree... we haven’t put it up yet, but spent a decent amount of time scouring the post Christmas sales for beautiful mouth blown baubles. Not sure if it’s going up this year, but the process of choosing a new tree and decorations together once I was ready really helped with triggers at this time.
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Keepabuzz GUIDE 2,820 posts
Keepabuzz
I tossed every single thing that reminded me of my wife’s affair right in the garbage. The only exception was her vehicle. I refused to “reward” her with a new car, but I refused to ride it. To the point that if we had all of our kids with us, we had to take 2 cars. Just last weekend her old car was sold, and it was certainly nice to see it drive away for the last time. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Crushed Bronze Member 71 posts
Crushed
I thought it was just me.  WS phone started dying about 2 months after dday and I hated that phone because he used it to talk to her everyday.  But I also hated buying a new because it felt like he was being rewarded.  Of course the deal was that he was to change his phone number but he did not.  So I guess he did get his reward.  But I did take pleasure in smashing his old phone and his kindle to pieces. Also destroyed computer and it felt good.
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anthro HOST 296 posts
anthro
We moved to a new suburb. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Crushed Bronze Member 71 posts
Crushed
It's not possible. We moved here a year before he started his affair.  I gave up my home of 27 years and all my  neighbors, my flowers, trick or treat, neighborhood children basically my whole life. We moved to country so I had to give up going to gym before work and walking the paths.  So it's kind of a double whammy  I also gave up my security, safety and loving my husband.  He took it all and then threw it away.
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Keepabuzz GUIDE 2,820 posts
Keepabuzz
Crushed wrote:
It's not possible. We moved here a year before he started his affair.  I gave up my home of 27 years and all my  neighbors, my flowers, trick or treat, neighborhood children basically my whole life. We moved to country so I had to give up going to gym before work and walking the paths.  So it's kind of a double whammy  I also gave up my security, safety and loving my husband.  He took it all and then threw it away.


We also moved to a different house during my wife’s affair, I bought her the dream home she had always wanted. Little did I know she was actively cheating on me. If there is anything positive about it, my wife chose to confess what she had done at our old house (which we still owned, but it was vacant). She did this because did this because there were no close neighbors, and the kids were at our new home. She knew it was going to be bad. Sounds smart right? Well. I think it was pretty dumb as well. She woefully underestimated my reaction. To say I went ape-$hit would be the understatement of the century. She had a lot of faith in her belief that I wouldn’t hurt her.  A lot more faith than she should have.  No neighbors could hear me as I raged and punched doors and holes in the walls (in the house “I” not “we” had spent 4 months fixing up to sell 🙄). I have a concealed carry license and was armed at the time. My wife is small, I have about 100 lbs on her. I could have done anything to her and there was nobody that would have heard anything, no one to call for help.  I never laid a finger on her, and had no desire to that night. But I can certainly see, after experiencing that hell how some people would. I’m not saying it’s right, but I do understand it. Until that night, I never understood “crimes of passion”. I understand very well now how and why they happen. The only desire I had that night was to never see my wife again, and to go to her AP’s house and .........., well I won’t go there. Luckily for both of us, he was out of state for 2 months for work. I have zero doubt why my wife chose that particular time to confess since she had ended it a month prior. To this day I’m not sure who she was trying to save, me or him.  Maybe both?  Lord, if I could have found him that night, I would very likely been in prison right now. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Crushed Bronze Member 71 posts
Crushed
I can honestly say that I understand crimes of passion also.  But my favorite scenario is stabbing hundreds of holes in him just like he did me.  Not that I would ever do it but I have thought it many times.   
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Damaged Silver Member 213 posts
Damaged

 Have you watched the Marie Kondo series? Basically, if an item doesn’t “ bring you joy” get rid of it! 

 After D day 1 I tried on my 26 year old wedding dress. My plan was to alter it into a more modern look and wear it to renew our vows. Well D day 2 came. I threw the dress on the floor and stomped on it. I proceeded to tear off the seed pearls. Then came the sleeves. I finally just ripped it to shreds. Then I moved on to all my other wedding item. I put the cake topper and toasting flutes in a bag and swung as hard as I could on the driveway. That felt good! I threw out everything but our wedding pictures ( as there were pictures of my deceased parents). The only thing I regret is what will I say  if my daughter asks to use something that I had for her future wedding. Otherwise I don’t miss any of that stuff at all!
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Crushed Bronze Member 71 posts
Crushed
Tell her that you dont believe it will bring her good luck.  That she is starting a new bright and shiny future and everything should be new.  My daughter got married 18 months from dday.  It was so hard to pretend that I was happy and excited for her.  Because in reality I was terrified that she will have to go through all I have.  But I pretended that I was excited and put smile on while we shopped for wedding things and all went well.
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minnie16 Bronze Member 92 posts
minnie16
I did not decorate for 2 christmases after D day, I just didn’t like my house anymore because she had been there when they were playing house. Now I have a little ceramic tree we plug-in. We go to our adult children’s homes, — if they came here I would probably decorate for their sake. I also threw out most of the old decorations.. just kept the ones related to my kids. I also threw my wedding dress in the dump.. it felt great! Do what you need to do and don’t look back!!
D day June, 2016
ws affair: 18 months sexual affair plus 2 years emotional affair after. Ow 20 yrs old; WS 60
live in Texas
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