Sorry
On a whim, (because I looked up the date of the second saturday in 2016 this morning), I discovered that today is exactly three years since I told my husband the truth about everything.

I think we have both come so far since then and I am so blessed to have such a forgiving and amazing husband.
Quote 9 0
Jennifer
I am glad to see that you and your husband are still moving forward with healing.
Quote 0 0
MC
It is encouraging to hear your perspective 3 years out.  We are coming up on 2 years and I am starting to get some perspective about our progress.  Year 2 is less difficult than year 1.  Triggers are less frequent and less severe.  Our new marriage is growing stronger.  I am hoping that Year 3 is even better.

Male BS, D-day 3.15.2017
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
Quote 1 0
Sorry
I think that every year my perspective changes more and more. Which makes it easier to live with my past.

It really helps that my husband is prepared to move forward and not live in the past or punish me for the affair.

He also seems to be as genuinely hqppy as me, Which makes such a world of difference! I can feel our happiness, I can see my contentment reflected in him and it makes me realise that we really are getting there. Not sure when or if you every getting to a place of complete healing but I guess it perhaps becomes like the death of a loved one or some live tragedy, you learn to live and be happy in spite of it ... 🙂
Quote 2 0
anthropoidape
Sorry wrote:
I think that every year my perspective changes more and more. Which makes it easier to live with my past.

It really helps that my husband is prepared to move forward and not live in the past or punish me for the affair.

He also seems to be as genuinely hqppy as me, Which makes such a world of difference! I can feel our happiness, I can see my contentment reflected in him and it makes me realise that we really are getting there. Not sure when or if you every getting to a place of complete healing but I guess it perhaps becomes like the death of a loved one or some live tragedy, you learn to live and be happy in spite of it ... 🙂


I often think, when you write about your husband, about just how much must have gone on under the surface for him. I think I've been a little less gracious than he has, from the sound of it, but perhaps similar in a lot of ways. And there is a great deal that goes on that you can't see. 

This isn't criticism. I am just mentioning it. I would bet anything that there have been days when you have seen your contentment reflected in him, or seen him to be happy, when there were also deeper currents. That's normal in every life, I am mentioning it mainly because I hope it makes you appreciate him even more. It is probably harder than he is making it look, which is an invisible act of kindness by him.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 4 0
MC


I often think, when you write about your husband, about just how much must have gone on under the surface for him. I think I've been a little less gracious than he has, from the sound of it, but perhaps similar in a lot of ways. And there is a great deal that goes on that you can't see. 

This isn't criticism. I am just mentioning it. I would bet anything that there have been days when you have seen your contentment reflected in him, or seen him to be happy, when there were also deeper currents. That's normal in every life, I am mentioning it mainly because I hope it makes you appreciate him even more. It is probably harder than he is making it look, which is an invisible act of kindness by him.


This is a great observation anthro.  I know as a BS I have a balance that I try and strike.  I don't tell my wife every time I have an intrusive thought or am feeling influenced by the trauma of the affair.  I sort of have an internal test, that is if I can quickly process my negative thought and put it away, I do not bring it up.  But if I am feeling anxious, triggered or have a need that is not being met, I communicate it to my wife.  There is a fine line here that I am learning.  I have told my wife about this internal test because I want her to know that there is more pain than I express.

Early on every negative thought was like a huge, stabbing, twisting dagger as though each was a PTSD trigger.  Now there are pretty much just jabs and pricks.  The pricks I can put away, the jabs I need support for.  What I am finding is that more of the jabs are becoming pricks, and both the jabs and pricks are diminishing slowly.
    
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
Quote 2 0
Keepabuzz
MC wrote:


This is a great observation anthro.  I know as a BS I have a balance that I try and strike.  I don't tell my wife every time I have an intrusive thought or am feeling influenced by the trauma of the affair.  I sort of have an internal test, that is if I can quickly process my negative thought and put it away, I do not bring it up.  But if I am feeling anxious, triggered or have a need that is not being met, I communicate it to my wife.  There is a fine line here that I am learning.  I have told my wife about this internal test because I want her to know that there is more pain than I express.

Early on every negative thought was like a huge, stabbing, twisting dagger as though each was a PTSD trigger.  Now there are pretty much just jabs and pricks.  The pricks I can put away, the jabs I need support for.  What I am finding is that more of the jabs are becoming pricks, and both the jabs and pricks are diminishing slowly.
    

I’m very much the same as you. I don’t tell my wife about every trigger or negative thought or intrusive thought. I only tell her if I can’t move through it reasonably quick. They very, very slowly becoming less and less powerful, and frequently. My biggest triggers now are nightmares. Occasionally I will have a nightmare where I relive it all. These are extremely powerful, and will wake me from a dead sleep. When this happens I essentially can’t get out of it completely for the entire day. When this happens I tell my wife, and she is very supportive. One other challenge with these times is that it usually happens when I’m gone on a business trip. So she is very limited in her ability to support me, but she does the best she can. Also, I can’t just do what I want to help me in self care that day, I have meetings and flights, etc. Those are rough days. I actually had one this week. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 3 0
MC
Keepabuzz wrote:

I’m very much the same as you. I don’t tell my wife about every trigger or negative thought or intrusive thought. I only tell her if I can’t move through it reasonably quick. They very, very slowly becoming less and less powerful, and frequently. My biggest triggers now are nightmares. Occasionally I will have a nightmare where I relive it all. These are extremely powerful, and will wake me from a dead sleep. When this happens I essentially can’t get out of it completely for the entire day. When this happens I tell my wife, and she is very supportive. One other challenge with these times is that it usually happens when I’m gone on a business trip. So she is very limited in her ability to support me, but she does the best she can. Also, I can’t just do what I want to help me in self care that day, I have meetings and flights, etc. Those are rough days. I actually had one this week. 


I am sorry to hear of your nightmares.  I have them too.  It is encouraging to hear you say  that triggers, negative thoughts and invasive thoughts become less powerful and frequent.  I am starting to see that, but there was a time when I felt like it would never decrease.  That first year was utter hell.

I am really glad to read your experiences.  It gives me hope.  Thank you.
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
Quote 1 0
hurting
I’ve been having a slightly better run lately. It probably won’t last, but I’ve managed to control the intrusive thoughts and things that would’ve been clear triggers that would’ve sent me into a massive downward spiral much better since the 1 year mark. 

It is helpful to read about the progress of those of you who are further along and healing. It shows me there is a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. 

Thank you.
Quote 1 0
MC
hurting wrote:
I’ve been having a slightly better run lately. It probably won’t last, but I’ve managed to control the intrusive thoughts and things that would’ve been clear triggers that would’ve sent me into a massive downward spiral much better since the 1 year mark. 

It is helpful to read about the progress of those of you who are further along and healing. It shows me there is a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. 

Thank you.


Great to hear!  Yes, the one year mark was a big turning point for me.
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
Quote 0 0
Sorry


I often think, when you write about your husband, about just how much must have gone on under the surface for him. I think I've been a little less gracious than he has, from the sound of it, but perhaps similar in a lot of ways. And there is a great deal that goes on that you can't see. 

This isn't criticism. I am just mentioning it. I would bet anything that there have been days when you have seen your contentment reflected in him, or seen him to be happy, when there were also deeper currents. That's normal in every life, I am mentioning it mainly because I hope it makes you appreciate him even more. It is probably harder than he is making it look, which is an invisible act of kindness by him.


Thanks for this feedback. While I dont think you are completely wrong. I also think that you are projecting your own experiences a little.

Yesterday I told My husband that work was challenging and I could not wait til June (when the AP leaves My work environment) and he replied yeah it will be awesome (referring to him and My son travelling to europe). When I explained what I meant he replied that since He didnt deal with it on a day to day basis he never really thought about that,  but yeah that would be awesome too.

I think he genuinely spends very little of his time focused on it. Purely from the perspective that it will not change anything. I have no doubt that if he focused his thoughts on it then it would hurt, but I think that he choses not to.
Quote 1 0
MC
Sorry wrote:


Thanks for this feedback. While I dont think you are completely wrong. I also think that you are projecting your own experiences a little.

Yesterday I told My husband that work was challenging and I could not wait til June (when the AP leaves My work environment) and he replied yeah it will be awesome (referring to him and My son travelling to europe). When I explained what I meant he replied that since He didnt deal with it on a day to day basis he never really thought about that,  but yeah that would be awesome too.

I think he genuinely spends very little of his time focused on it. Purely from the perspective that it will not change anything. I have no doubt that if he focused his thoughts on it then it would hurt, but I think that he choses not to.


I think this may be a pattern in numerous instances in terms of dynamic of BS and WS recovering together.  The BS thinks about it a lot more than the WS does.

There have been numerous instances where I as a BS have been triggered and my wife, the WS is surprised that I got triggered over something.  She tells me that things that make me think about the affair do not make her think about it.  
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
Quote 0 0
Sorry
I would agree with you, except that in our case I am the WS And hubby darling is the BS.  
Quote 1 0
MC
Sorry wrote:
I would agree with you, except that in our case I am the WS And hubby darling is the BS.  


Sorry, your posts have been some of the most helpful ones for me to read. I never would have expected as a BS to find comforting and healing insight from posts from a WS. I really appreciate your perspective and thoughts.
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
Quote 0 0
Sorry
Than you...maybe...Maybe I can relate to the sentiment of a BS more than a WS.  I often feel totally betrayed by my "former self" and it Is often damn hard to forgive myself for being so easy to view an affair as being a thing that would not cause hard if nobody knew. I will never know how I bought half of my own lies. I am so much smarter than the thing that I have done.
Quote 1 0