ThrivenotSurvive
Today is exactly three years from DD.  As I've mentioned before I am an over-thinker extraordinaire, so I found myself thinking back on past DD anniversaries and how different they were.

While I was well aware of the date and its significance, I was surprised at how little it affected me.  I didn't find myself melancholy or upset.  I got up in a great mood and went skiing with my husband and daughter.  We had a blast. 

I realized that it has become just a part of my story.  At one point I feared it would BE my story.  That it would overshadow everything else - forever.  But today I realized that at this point it is, at most, a chapter.  And in another 5 years - it may become only pages.  Slowly (oh so much slower than my impatient self would like), it is fading in importance.  Where I am right now and where I am headed command so much more of my attention. 

I share this to offer hope to those still in the early stages.  While I rarely find myself going back to that sad, dark, painful place that became so familiar in that first 12-18 months, I can remember it - clearly.  And I remember how desperately I needed to hear stories of people that had gone through what I had, and healed (I didn't care if they stayed in their marriage or not - I just needed to know they survived the soul-sucking experience intact.)  That there were those who could experience joy and anticipation without fear, who felt safe again to love and be loved - who felt whole again.  I NEEDED to know it was possible - because right then as I sat, rocking back and forth, crying on my bathroom floor - it seemed so utterly, overwhelmingly impossible to me.  

But then I found a few of those stories - and I clung to them like a life raft - because if they could do it, then it was possible for me too.  So I hope with this post I might be able to throw a life raft out to someone else.  Someone who needs to hear right now that there can be healing (it will be harder and slower than you like) and that there can be a day when it's just a part of your history - not the focus of your life. 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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ssix6pack
Love this. I especially love how you referenced it as only being a chapter. That’s one thing my pastor kept saying to me - this doesn’t define me, I’m not a betrayed wife, I am so much more and so is my life. 

Thanks for the encouragement. I’m looking forward to this stuff being a really sad chapter in a really great book. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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Awakened
This does help to read. I’m about 18 months past DD. We are moving forward and CC has plateaued it seems. I still have some questions, ones that I couldn’t ask or couldn’t think to ask earlier—perspective changes what the questions become. 
As someone that has problems feeling accepted, fitting in , feeling worthy —has been especially difficult to be betrayed by the one that I thought had my back.
hoping at year 3 these feelings of inadequacy are better. I do plan to do IC to work on myself. But with the anger gone I find myself asking the scary questions about who I really am and what do I want to do with the rest of my life??
thanks for putting your story out there—it helps and
thanks for reading my post
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hurting
Thank you. 
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Fullofanger
This post came at a really critical time for me, so thank you very much 
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Diraz
Thank you Thrive for posting HOPE. It’s definitely something we can’t even imagine when we are in such horrible pain. We all need to see that the light is coming in this darkness!
 We are not victims, we are victorious!!! 
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Allthatremains
I am almost 2 1/2 years out and everything is still improving. That said the one piece of advice I would add is to make sure you get some counselling. I don’t believe we started counselling soon enough. He doesn’t believe an IC for himself is needed but we are working with an MC and myself an IC. I can’t stress enough how valuable having the objective but supportive voice has been for me and the MC sets tasks for both of us that make us work as a team and to help reconnect. I, like you, don’t want this to define me but for me right now  it is still is a work in progress. That said the darkest saddest moments are long gone replaced by happy loving exchanges. If your WS is committed to healing and to change his thinking, it’s a rough ride but hang on as you will get there!!
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UnsureofHer
Thanks for the word of hope. 21 months in even though she is trying. I am still a mess. Someday...
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ThrivenotSurvive
UnsureofHer wrote:
Thanks for the word of hope. 21 months in even though she is trying. I am still a mess. Someday...


I don’t know if it will be the same for you, but a big difference started for me between 24-36 months.  There were still difficult moments but they were significantly fewer and seemed more in conjunction with deeper healing more than just setbacks.   

Wishing you peace ~
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Phoenix
Today is exactly three years from DD.  As I've mentioned before I am an over-thinker extraordinaire, so I found myself thinking back on past DD anniversaries and how different they were.

While I was well aware of the date and its significance, I was surprised at how little it affected me.  I didn't find myself melancholy or upset.  I got up in a great mood and went skiing with my husband and daughter.  We had a blast. 

I realized that it has become just a part of my story.  At one point I feared it would BE my story.  That it would overshadow everything else - forever.  But today I realized that at this point it is, at most, a chapter.  And in another 5 years - it may become only pages.  Slowly (oh so much slower than my impatient self would like), it is fading in importance.  Where I am right now and where I am headed command so much more of my attention. 

I share this to offer hope to those still in the early stages.  While I rarely find myself going back to that sad, dark, painful place that became so familiar in that first 12-18 months, I can remember it - clearly.  And I remember how desperately I needed to hear stories of people that had gone through what I had, and healed (I didn't care if they stayed in their marriage or not - I just needed to know they survived the soul-sucking experience intact.)  That there were those who could experience joy and anticipation without fear, who felt safe again to love and be loved - who felt whole again.  I NEEDED to know it was possible - because right then as I sat, rocking back and forth, crying on my bathroom floor - it seemed so utterly, overwhelmingly impossible to me.  

But then I found a few of those stories - and I clung to them like a life raft - because if they could do it, then it was possible for me too.  So I hope with this post I might be able to throw a life raft out to someone else.  Someone who needs to hear right now that there can be healing (it will be harder and slower than you like) and that there can be a day when it's just a part of your history - not the focus of your life. 


🙂
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arizons
I feel you. I am 6 months away from three years.. and it does get better. I am not getting triggered by certain dates like I used to. One date came and passed last Feb and I hadn't even noticed until a few days after. It does get better.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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Bgreen
Thank you for this post! I’m grateful to hear things continue to improve after 18-24 months.
Female, BS 21 months post DDay
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Keepabuzz
My 4th anniversary of d-day was just a few days ago.  It wasn’t a great day, but it wasn’t bad either. It was decent I would say. That’s a far cry from how it was in years past.  The first was really hard, the second wasn’t a whole lot better. The 3rd was much easier, and this, the 4th was even easier. Most of the day it was “just another day”. There were numerous times throughout the day that all I have lost and suffered was in my mind, but I was able to recognize it, feel it, then let it pass. 

It does get better, it just takes a very long time, and mountains of work. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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