Bjacobson75
My wife had an inappropriate texting relationship with a person she met at a local beekeeping class. 

I found out 5 months ago and the relationship was between July and September of 2017.

My wife confessed to me after I inquired about the guy she met and she claimed she ended the relationship due to him not being able to keep his comments at a platonic level. 

She claimed she liked the attention, enjoyed matching witts with him and felt empowered to pushback on him when he got overt with his comments.

She also is very clear on the fact that nothing happened physically, that there was no attraction to the man but the attention he was giving.  

Based on how she broke the news to me and how I pushed for details I feel she’s not being truthful.  He was a local guy, they had access to each other a few times all except one was within a group setting.  The only exception was a visit to a farm where there other people there just not with them directly.

she claims nothing happened there and the only contact they had was a fist bump before they left.  She did say that he asked for a hug and she responded with an “I’m all set”.

im having a hard time believing this all as I recall in August that I was concerned a out the farm visit.  I was aware they were meeting, she asked me if it was okay to go.  Before she left I approached her and told her that that bad things happen between people with commonalities.  I did not specifically state that I felt they were having an inappropriate relationship.  Regardless he reassured me everything was fine and not to worry.

Bottom line she felt our relationship was crap, that I didn’t like her, and that I made her feel as a lesser person.  she also claims that she felt she couldn’t come to me and tell me about this guys overt advances as she feared my response to the situation. 

Some background on me.  I was a loud person, I got angry and sometimes had difficulty controlling how loud I’d get.  I never touched my wife, threatened her or called her names.  I did use sarcasm, stonewalling and other poor communication techniques when we argued.  It was during those times my wife claims I did the most damage.

I have since learned who I was and take full ownership for what I’ve said and done.  

My wife takes onweship for her willingness to allow this man to infiltrate her life and to engage in the type of behavior.  She also takes ownership for not ever speaking to me about how she felt before allowing the texting relationship to start and continue for the time that it did.

She claims a physical relationship was never considered, never happened and regardless of how she felt about me that she felt it would have crossed a line she would never cross.  

I feel betrayed, she lied, kept it a secret, and in the process discovered my marriage was not even close to what I thought it was.
Quote 0 0
anthropoidape
She was keeping something secret, but it sounds like while she might have danced along the line she didn't quite cross it. It also sounds like you acknowledge that she had every reason to be drawn to an escape fantasy.

Assuming she didn't do anything more than you've written, I think you are both really lucky to have had a wake-up call. I would in all honesty see it as a positive. You have a chance to see that there are risks in being complacent about your marriage and now you can do it right. Just my opinion. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 0 0
AnywhereButHere
My situation is similar to yours...only my wife had an infatuation with her AP and crossed a few additional inappropriate lines than your wife seems to have.

My wife just gave notice at her job - in a company that her AP works at, but at a different location, thankfully. She's been told by me and a few other people we've confided in that, even though their cyber-fling is over, she can't continue to work there and have intermittent contact with the man - even if it's just professional contact.

It doesn't sound as though your wife has shown you the text conversations she's had with this other man - likely she has deleted them or claims to have done so. So all you might really have is a cease-and-desist directive - no contact with him, at all, going forward.

>>>
I feel betrayed, she lied, kept it a secret, and in the process discovered my marriage was not even close to what I thought it was.
<<<

I believe your feelings are valid. I feel exactly the same way. If our wives had given themselves physically to their APs, it would probably be much worse. While that's true, it doesn't make our situation better.

Does she know how you feel and does she acknowledge your feelings as valid?
BH, 5+ Mo EA, DDay 3/8/18
"...regarding all as God after God."
Quote 0 0
Bjacobson75
BillG,

My wife is very aware of how I feel and is extremely remorseful.  Since d-day we’ve been seeing a IC’s and we’ve also been seeing a MC.  

We’ve both learned a lot about ourselves, and she completely understands that she’s violated a boundary.  In my case I challenged her in it while she was in the middle of her texting exchanged and expressed concerns that the commonality she shares with the guy could lead to something much worse.  She essentially gaslighted me and make me feel like All was fine and there were no worries.  

I was able to grab some but not all of the text exchanges off her phone.  While none of what I saw included the overt sexual responses she claims to have presented to me verbally I do see the playful banter and flirty messages between the two.  I also see there was pushback as she’s stated to keep the guy in check.

i don’t want to be played for a sucker again....

I feel for you, and wish you the very best in your situation.
Quote 0 0