Is there anything you’ve realized you really like doing with your spouse that you either never tried before the affair or stopped for some reason?

We have been building fires, we have an endless supply of brush to burn. When we bought our house it came with a giant brush pile that needed to go, we had a party, H caught himself on fire lighting it and everyone had fun.  He is really good at getting things lit with accelerants and sometimes fireworks. While I’m watching thinking yeah that looks fun but how are you going to cook your squirrel when you get stranded in the woods without your propane torch? So I’ve been in charge of the kindling department sometimes with help from the kids and  starting fires. 2 nights in a row we’ve had the TV off and the whole family feeding the fire. 
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H caught himself on fire lighting it and everyone had fun.

That sounds like more justice than you usually get 😉

We always used to get our good communicating done when we went on long walks. It was normal for us to get a good 90 minutes of walking every day. Once we had kids, that dropped off a lot, especially when they were past stroller age but still too young to keep up or to leave at home. Or we were too busy. Or whatever.

We have reinstated a lot of walking and the kids are old enough to leave at home (able to reach us by phone) while we go wandering around the neighbourhood.

It is a good thing. The only trouble is that the communication we have now is quite superficial. I don't really share how I am feeling with her any more.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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This is a hard one for me.  For the majority of our marriage, we worked 2nd shift and enjoyed hanging out together till 3am or so.  I was very unhappy with my job and when we found found out that his very well paying job was going overseas, I went back to school full time, while working full time.   We called those 3 years the dark days, as he was out of work, and we each cared for and lost a parent.   When he found another job that had decent pay, it was once again on 2nd shift, while I was on days and loving my new career path.    Still, we never saw each other except for the weekends.   We didn’t recognize our old life at all.  Everything had changed and not for the better, except for the fact that we could once again pay our bills.     Still, everything that we used to do, we no longer did. Even 2am grocery shopping together was missed.  Actually that all stopped when I switched to a local job, rather than doing the same commute that he did every day.   
      So, I guess that answer is that I never should have quit my first job that allowed us to spend so much time together, hanging out late night—and no, it was never at bars, as he isn’t even a drinker.    Or maybe the answer is, that we never should have left out 30’s as that was our best decade.    Heaven forbid, there was growth and change.    
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anthro wrote:

That sounds like more justice than you usually get 😉

Too bad justice doesn’t work backwards. He clearly forgot what he said the first time he took me to the gun range. He could have saved himself a whole lot of trouble. 
We have been walking too, not enough we talk best when walking. Unfortunately affair #1 crossed the inappropriate line with a drunken walk in the woods. I tried for years to get him to walk with me. 🤬

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Sadly, my answer to this is everything.  We went from being together all the time, doing everything together, to only getting to see each other every fourth or fifth week for 4 -6 days.  Some breaks were two months between visits.  Emotional and physical intimacy really suffered. 

To explain: We had to live apart for a little under two years due to financial reasons.  He received an opportunity for a very lucrative contract in another city that we needed the money from to rebuild our finances after a rather devastating business failure.  But we still had a home, pets and a daughter in high school and then college. I felt I needed to say home.  My husband wanted me to go with him.  We'd always been very close and it was hard on both of us, but my husband especially struggled since he was away from everything he knew - friends and family.  

After DD, it was a struggle at first.  We'd lost our "rhythm" and fun habits after years apart.  It would have been a rebuilding process regardless.  But because of the betrayal, it was really hampered.  Now there was all this anger and pain on my side and shame on his.  Finding the fun and companionship in that mess is... difficult to say the least. 

But slowly but surely we started reclaiming some of the things we loved - listening to live music, going to the movies, bike riding, etc.  Later, much later, when I wasn't so volatile we started going out with our friends together.  After about 18 months we moved - and that was phenomenal.  While the move itself was stressful, we'd healed enough to pull together and support each other through it.  Then we had this fun new city that was untouched by memories.  We made new friends, got to ski, hike and bike through the mountains together.  It felt like an adventure - together.  I don't think we could have done it too early - but we were ready and it felt like a fresh start.  If possible, I highly encourage it.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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  I don't think we could have done it too early - but we were ready and it felt like a fresh start.  If possible, I highly encourage it.  

We are looking at a possible move, and I go back and forth between hoping it happens, and not. He applied for a job almost a year ago, and the process is a very long one that we are nearing the end of. If we move, we potentially leave behind half my kids, but we have a fresh start for us. If we stay, he continues in his own business which is slowly killing him physically and has absolutely no retirement and we struggle for the rest of our lives. But if he gets this job, its potentially 4-7 months away in training, which truly scares me.   It's good to hear this could be a good thing for us. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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We always wanted to go work out together. We started doing it a few months into this situation. In the beginning it was awkward but now we really enjoy it and look forward to going. 
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We went camping a couple times. We laughed a lot... at first. But honestly, we didn't do much. Talk, well, he did most the talking. I used to love listening to his stories. It took a while before I realized his stories were mostly grandstanding. I did my best to be patient, then I did my best to have two-person exchanges. I'd even joke and sing that old country song "I wanna talk about me." After a few years with no success, I recognized I was beginning to resent it, and I wasn't comfortable with that. So I would let him talk a few minutes and figure out ways to excuse myself. That helped with my resentment. But it's kinda sad to look back and know we really didn't have an "our thing" except watching movies, and honestly, I don't think that counts. Eventually, that's all we did was watch movies and he grew more and more distant. It broke my heart. The man I loved was disappearing before my eyes. Many years later, well, I question if it had even been real.
Female BS 
DD 10/16/16
WS multiple relapses
Physical affair, emotional affairs, online affairs
In-house separation 06/11/18
Complete separation 01/04/20
Last relapse 01/07/20
Don't be afraid. Don't be dismayed. The battle belongs to the Lord.
2 Ch. 20:15
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